“Bathe in my clawfoot bathtub and shave my legs in the tub even though the angle makes it almost impossible.”— Devon Henry, medium.com
“I believe that when millennials eventually secede and form our own nation, the flag will be an image of avocado toast on a light pink background.”— Cady Drell, marieclaire.com
“I thought my fellow Californians would approve of my succulent leg hams. Instead I get ceremoniously dunked on by every woman I stopped to talk to.”— John McDermott, melmagazine.com
“We'll go back when they're done and then they'll care about things again.”— Will McPhail, newyorker.com
“Toot this baby out with the vibrato that only a high-school-level flautist can achieve, and his dick will be shooting out of his pants to dance along to its favorite song. Now that’s star quality!”— Rose Schwartzburg, reductress.com
“Not all heroes wear capes, and not all aggressive bar guests are dudes.”— Haley Hamilton, melmagazine.com
“But listen up, buddy, and LISTEN GOOD—it’s 2018, and if you do ANYTHING to hurt my daughter, I swear to GOD, I will be concerned and disappointed but ultimately step back and let her navigate her own emotional GROWTH.”— Sophie Kohn, newyorker.com
“All I know is that I’ve never felt better, perhaps because my central nervous system is no longer firing hunger pain signals, or any other kinds of signals for that matter.”— Ross Wolinsky, mcsweeneys.net
“It feels like all the new songs on Apple Music are either Kanye or Post Malone. This has to be one of the circles of hell.”— Samuel Sinyangwe, twitter.com
“You can't do anything about that heat rash, or that sunburn, or that fatigue. You can only endure more of it, until the day morphs into one you will never forget for all the wrong reasons.”— Anne T. Donahue, cbc.ca
“A variety of nuts make up this salad. It’s served dry. You should be used to it by now.”— Keysha Witacker, newyorker.com
“Me: What did you do at school today? 5-year-old: Learned about dragons. Me: Your class learned about dragons? 5: I learned about dragons. I don't know what everybody else was doing.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“Either Glover and Gambino are the same dude, or this woman is cheating on both of them. These hoes ain’t loyal.”— Drew Landry, medium.com
“Sometimes as motivation I reward myself before I accomplish something. It's called a preward, and it 100% does not work.”— Kiersten White, twitter.com
“why does everyone on bumble need to prove how outdoorsy they are? have you heard of sitting on a couch? it’s pretty nice, highly recommend.”— Kendra Syrdal, twitter.com
“This town made you and now you’ve left it and taken a big shit on your own goddamn home. Now come take a selfie with me so I can instagram about how proud I am of you.”— Taylor Kay Phillips, mcsweeneys.net
“The White House did not immediately respond to a request for comment.”— Christina Caron, nytimes.com
“Just like you and me, the sun bear never looks good on camera, not ever.”— kelly catchpole, medium.com
“he was a skater boy she said see you later boy he wasn't a girl and she was gay”— Robyn Kanner, twitter.com