“[as we all leave the house] 6-year-old: I want to stay home. Me: You can't watch yourself. 6: I'll use a mirror.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“The best way I can describe the feeling of installing new shelves in one’s bathroom is that it’s like being a little kid and having a new case for your pencil collection. I keep rearranging bottles and candles. These shelves make me want to invest in sea sponges.”— Sloane Crosley, nymag.com
“They all also check out a trendy yoga-with-goats class. Carrie tries steaming her vagina for a magazine story and is dismayed to find that she loves it.”— Jenny Bicks, Cindy Chupack, Amy B. Harris, Julie Rottenberg, Elisa Zuritsky, vulture.com
“INTP: If you can pull me away from my philosophy books and scientific theories, I’m a pretty low-key date.”— Jenna Birch, manrepeller.com
“Lois Griffin: Have you been drinking? Peter Griffin: Why yes I have... thank you.”— Mike Barker, Matt Weitzman, Peter Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com
“Mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.”— Chris Sheridan, Stewie Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com
“I have an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.”— Mike Barker, Matt Weitzman, Peter Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com
“Meg Griffin: Chris! You're hogging all the fans! Chris Griffin: Oh yeah? Well you're hogging all the UGLY!”— Gary Janetti, Chris Griffin (voice), Seth Green, imdb.com
“Lois: Well, hi, there, sweetie! Stewie: You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenades!”— Seth MacFarlane, Stewie Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com
“She admittedly knew that her champagne buzz was somewhat fueling her outrage but, at the same time, couldn’t get the thought of Katie downplaying her dress shopping out of her mind.”— Will deFries, postgradproblems.com
“The announcement took many royal watchers by surprise, because in her sixty-six-year reign the Queen had never before complained of bone spurs.”— Andy Borowitz, newyorker.com
“Kyle: You guys! I have awesome news! Cartman: You have AIDS?”— Trey Parker, Kyle Broflovski, Matt Stone, imdb.com
“I've been practicing my humor! I watched an online tutorial!”— Rachel Specter, Audrey Wauchope, Valencia Perez, Gabrielle Ruiz, imdb.com
“Will you remember me in a month? Yes. Will you remember me in a week? Yes. Knock knock. Who's there? See, you forgot me already.”— Eric Alper, twitter.com
“'You'll understand when you're older.' Well, now I'm older and I understand nothing.”— Eric Alper, twitter.com
“The alphabet was always saying HI to you every single time, and you didn't even acknowledge it.”— Eric Alper, twitter.com
“No one thinks it’s cool that you puked but caught it with your paper plate. It’s gross.”— Sophia Benoit, gq.com
“Are our doctors just psychopaths who all meet to discuss ways to alienate their patients?”— Jonathan Greene, medium.com
“One of the few things that you can do to make the train ride slightly more bearable is to treat it like your own version of “The Bachelorette,” where every available place to sit and stand is analogous to archetypal contestants vying for your love, or at least for your attention, until you get to wo…”— Nicole Boyce, newyorker.com