“I don't get dressed up to go on dates but I did just smooth out my shirt as I passed a cute dog.”— Michelle Wolf, twitter.com
“The widely held assumption that the brains of flight attendants are chock full of juicy stories from their adventures in the sky is decidedly not without merit.”— Harling Ross, manrepeller.com
“What sounds good isn’t always good, yet women in my comments section continue applauding adjectives, supporting them and adding new ones of their own. At some point, we have to be realistic or we’ll collapse from expectation and frilly words.”— Robert Cormack, medium.com
“You don’t understand — some of the humor in my favorite TV show seems problematic, but it’s just ironic.”— Arwen Downs, mcsweeneys.net
“Why was my first official date with my own fiancé not in Botswana petting giraffes?!?!”— Alex Warner, marieclaire.com
“ISFP: You’ll take the Myers-Briggs test, then create a two-hour experimental musical interpretation of your results with tambourines, jazz clarinets, and sperm whale mating calls.”— Alex Baia and Erica Lies, mcsweeneys.net
“I expect a lot of gifts from my animals. I hope they shower me with love. Probably not going to happen.”— Taylor Nicole Dean, youtube.com
“Here, Queen Elizabeth watches horses and horse-riders do horse-like things. She seems to be very focused and any other emotions she may be feeling are unclear.”— Lisa Ryan, thecut.com
“1988: made you this mixtape 1998: I burned you this CD 2008: made you this playlist 2018: *doesnt do anything cuz too afraid to come off as thirsty*”— Eden Dranger, twitter.com
“You can’t change anything because that would require any of it meaning something.”— Katie Mather, thebelladonnacomedy.com
“Never in my life have I worn a pair of sunglasses that were so tremendously unflattering.”— Opheli Garcia Lawler, vice.com
“My 7yo: Mama, every Friday the 13th I have something bad happen. Last Friday the 13th I got homework.”— Shannon Hale, twitter.com