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Quotes tagged ‘Married Couple’

(43 total)

I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help. His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back he handed her some diet pills. Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him?

— NZMilkSteak, reddit.com

I was struggling to pee the other day And I started trying to encourage my dick "come on man, you can do it!" My wife yells at me through the bathroom door at me "Who are you talking to?" I replied " Don't worry, it's nobody you'd remember"

— Treyness, reddit.com

A cannibal decided to leave his wife... after he got fed up with the kids.

— cross_beaux, reddit.com

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m and his wife is livid. “You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!” "No," slurs the mathematician “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

— Droct12, reddit.com

When we make pizza at home it's my wife's job to shred the cheese. She's the gratist.

— Finaldaze, reddit.com

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-f…

— jhutto2, reddit.com

My wife and I decided not to have kids.. ..the kids are taking it pretty hard.

— cyxro, reddit.com

My wife told me she's getting fed up of my boring facts. “I find them very interesting,” I said. “Well, who gives a flying fuck?” She said angrily. “Dragonflies,” I replied.

— zubindalal, reddit.com

I asked my wife why she doesn’t ever tell me when she is having an orgasm She said she doesn't like to call me when I'm at work.

— Rounder057, reddit.com

My husband made me break up with my boyfriend. That damn man is always meddling in my affairs.

— __ideal_, reddit.com

My ex wife used to hit me with stringed instruments If only I had known she had a history of violins

— irishconoros, reddit.com

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter. What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies," He responded. "Oh, killing any?" She asked. "Yep, three males, two females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell? He responded, "Three were on a be…

— pilotrohanda, reddit.com

What do you call a woman that makes more money than her husband? A widow.

— Bigdogandres, reddit.com

My wife was arguing that women are naturally more compassionate and selfless creatures. I asked her to show me proof. So she ordered me to sleep on the floor.

— TrulyStupidNewb, reddit.com

Once you’ve married, be strict but just with your wife, don’t allow her to forget herself, and when a misunderstanding arises, say: 'Don’t forget that I made you happy.'

— Anton Chekhov, en.wikiquote.org

I found a cure for my wife's insomnia... All I have to do is express a desire to have sex with her and immediately she is too tired to do anything but sleep.

— REAL-Jesus-Christ, reddit.com

A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"

— drdangelina, reddit.com

A husband and wife are winding down in the bedroom getting ready to go to sleep. Husband: "You want me to put some on TV" Wife: "Sure honey, you can pick" Husband: "Okay, I am picking either golf or porn, what do you think?" Wife: "Porn, definitely porn. You're already good at golf

— CanofVeggies, reddit.com

Wife: "Would you like dinner? Husband: "What are my choices?" Wife: "Yes or No"

— shomali11, reddit.com

Sometimes I just sit & run my fingers thru my wife’s hair. It's a nice way to tell her I love her. And also that we're outta napkins.

— rumblefish65, reddit.com

MMWWWMMMMW&KKMWM MMMMMM&K WWW K MWWK KK&MWWWWWWKK &M& &WWMM&&&M&K K&&&MWWWWWWMK&K&MW WWWMM&KK WWWWK WWW& KK&MWWWWWMK &WW& WWWWWWWM&&K KKK&&MWWW&W WWWMM&K MWWWWW KWWWWM & K&&MMMK&& KMW& MWWWWWWM&KK K&&MWMMWMMWMK K&MWWM&K KWWWWWWWWWWWM WWWWWW & KK&&&MM& MKMWWWWMKK KK KKKK&&&MWWMMMWMWM&&MM&&K WWWWWWWWWWWM &M&MK K&M&MMMWW &MMKMMMM& KKKKKK&KKWM& KMKKK & WWWWWWWM& K& KK&K&K K&&MMK KKKK&&MM&K &K K M&K M WWWWW& KKKM& KWWW& &MK&M&K KK&&&&&&MM KK K&&K && MM KKK&&MK &MWW&K K K&KK&&&&& K KK W&K K W KKMM&&K MMWM&&K KKK&M&&MMWM&&MMM&K &WM K W& KM&MMMM &&WW&&&K &MMWWWWWWMMM& WW& KWW K&MWWWWWWWMMMMM&&&& &&MWMWMM& WW WM KMWWWWWMMMM& K & K WWM MWW K&MMMM&K M&K WWWW&K &WWWWK &W &K MW &MMKK&&KK KKK KWWWWMM &WM WWWWMWWMM&&&KK & WWWWWWMMMMK &WWWM WWWWWWWMMMWWWWWWWW&WWW MWWWWWWW&WWWWMMMMWWWWWM WWWWWWWWM&WWMWM&&WWWWW WWWWWWWW&MWM&WWWWWWW MWWWWWWWWW&&MKMWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWW&MWWWWWWWMW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW KWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWW& WWWWWWWW &WWWWWWWWK WWWWWWW WWWWWWWWW KWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWK MWWWWWW WWWWWWWW KWWWWWWW WWWWWWW K&&&&& KKK&K WWWWWWM W&WWWWWK WWWWWWWW W WWWWWWW W KK W M K KM W & K&K M W WW W M WWWWWWW&W WWWWW W W W &W W WWWW W& W KWW& W WK M W&W WW W WWWWWWWW WMW W W WWWWWWW WWWW& WWWWWWW WWWW & & K K K W M & W MK KK KM W WK K KK W K K& WWWWWW WWWK W W W W M W WW W W W WKM MM W MM W W&MM W W W WW WM &W W MW&K W &WWWWW WWW & & K KK & K K K &K K K && WWWWW WWK WWWWK WW WK W MM MWWWW WK W &W W &MM W&WK&&K M W MW W W W W WW&KW&WKW WW WW MKW WW MWWWW W KK M M M& KK K & M M K W K W KM KW MWWWW K

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