“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything—trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I went down the local supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint—this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing ‘Dancing Queen’ on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said: ‘It depends where you’re calling from.’”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper—dicing with death.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I’d like to start with the chimney jokes—I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“It's a moo point. It's like a cow's opinion; it doesn't matter. It's moo.”— Patty Lin, Joey Tribbiani, Matt LeBlanc, imdb.com