Funny Quotes

101 quotes

The best short jokes to get you through the day.

“My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.”

“Saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ”

“Putting your iPod on shuffle around your friends is like playing Russian roulette with their respect for you.”

“To whoever invented the zero: thanks for nothing.”

“I'm sick of the commute to my refrigerator.”

“Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.”

“Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.”

“Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.”

“I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now I'm going to a different cafe.”

“If cats could text you back, they wouldn't.”

“I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.”