“The inventor of movie showtimes has died. Those wishing to pay their respects can attend services at 4:30, 5:10, 6:20, 8:15, 9:30 and 10:45.”— Zac Kapowski, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Movies, Movie Showtimes
“A day without sunshine is like, well, night.”— Unknown, amazon.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Jokes, Best Jokes, Makes You Think Jokes, Night Jokes
“There's nothing more beautifully optimistic than a sign for a lost bird.”— Mike Ginn, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Optimism, Pets, Animals
“Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.”— Unknown, tickld.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Two-Liners, Math Jokes, Puns, Parallel Lines
“If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.”— Denise, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Lifestyle Hacks, Showing Up To Work Late, Creative Excuses, Adulthood
“I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism”— Mayor , twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Plagiarism, English Major Humor
“This killing them with kindness is taking longer than I thought it would.”— Boyd, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, kindness, Killing With Kindness, Trying To Be Nice
“My favorite posture is leaning. Shows I’m not having a good enough time to stand up straight, but haven’t given up entirely and sat down.”— Mike Ginn, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Giving Up, Boredom, Social Interactions
“I'd have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place with more laundry than my house is prison.”— Stabbatha Christ, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Relationships, Marriage, Murdering Your Husband, Prison
“Being an adult is like losing your mom in a department store for years and years until you die.”— Denise, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Life, Growing Up Sucks, Lost In A Department Store, Stress
“I don't think we’re as amazing as our parents are. I'm not going to have any struggles to tell my kids about. What's my story going to be like? Ah, son, once, when I was flying from New York to L.A., my iPad died!”— Aziz Ansari, youtube.comTagged: iPads, Millennials, Funny Quotes
“Serious tweet: phone companies could save lives and prevent texting & driving accidents if they admit nobody ever wants to type 'ducking.'”— Trevor , twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Driving, Texting, Autocorrect Mistakes, Bad Texts
“Studies show that if you eat well, exercise, and don't do drugs or alcohol, YOU WILL DIE.”— Unknown, quora.comTagged: Short Jokes, Best Jokes, Smile, Frown, Funny Quotes
“Being a woman is exciting because we don't know what mood we will be in next or for how long.”— Jess, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Womanhood, Mood Swings, Moodiness, Being a woman
“For Halloween I'm gonna be emotionally stable. No one's gonna know it's me.”— Violet Benson, instagram.comTagged: Funny Quotes, DaddyIssues, Halloween, Emotionally Stable, Emotionally Unstable
“Imagine falling in love with someone and finding out they raise their hand at the end of a long boring meeting to ask a question.”— Denise, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Falling In Love, Boring People Who Ask Questions, Falling Out Of Love, Marriage
“Everybody is complaining about their significant other, and I'm over here trying to keep mine charged above 10%.”— Weese Jr, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Dating, Relationships, Dating Your Phone, Texting
“Why am I always the last to know that I'm in an open relationship?”— Henry, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Dating, Relationships, Open Relationships, Dating Sucks
“True friendship is hating on everything together.”— Violet Benson, instagram.comTagged: Funny Quotes, DaddyIssues, Best Friends, Friendships, Hating On Everything Together
“He wiped away her tears and accidentally her eyebrows too.”— Dan, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Relationships, Dating, Comfort Gone Wrong, Make Up
“Relationship or hallucination? I don't care. Either way, I'm seeing somebody.”— Olivia Twiste, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Dating, Relationships, New Boyfriend, Seeing Somebody
“Your message was sent, received, seen, ignored, screen captured, sent to friends and ridiculed.”— Violet Benson, instagram.comTagged: Funny Quotes, DaddyIssues, Texting, Dating, Relationships
“I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you're set on fire and then eaten by the hero that saved you.”— Little Greenis, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, food, Birthdays, Birthday Cake
“Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.”— Agent Averag, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, History Jokes, Food Jokes
“Maybe if we all sit extremely still, Monday won't be able to see us.”— VeryBritishProblems, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Hate Mondays, Work Jokes, Hiding From Monday
“Wakes up from two year coma surrounded by friends and family: Where's my phone?”— Mattzilla, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Obsessed With Phones, Phone, Technology, Texting
“My bank statement just looks like a list of every fast food restaurant within a 10-mile radius.”— Christopher Hudspeth, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Fast Food, Bank Statement Quotes
“Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.There's liquor and you can't hear them.”— bᎾᏟᎪ ᏟhᎥᏟ, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Dating, Relationships, Clubs, Going Out
“I'm not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.”— Hand Solo, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Starbucks, Complicated Coffee Orders, Waiting In Line, Coffee