“Just tell me when and where, and I'll be there 20 minutes late.”— Jod, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Fashionably Late, Always Late, Hate Commitments
“Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they've only known her a couple of minutes.”— Wood, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Dating, Girlfriend, Relationships, Dating Baggage
“Time to turn over a new leaf. With my luck it'll be poison ivy.”— JustSomeFool, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Turning Over A New Leaf, Bad Luck, Trying To Start Over
“If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.”— Denise, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Wine, Wine Night, Drinking, Good At Wine
“My wife doesn't believe that autocorrect changed 'Yes dear' to 'Hell no I'm not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.'”— Kent Graha, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Relationships, Autocorrect Mistakes, Texting, Mother-In-Laws
“Introducing myself to new boyfriend's parents: Hi, I usually don't make it this far.”— Amanda Hugnkis, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Relationships, Dating, Boyfriend, Meeting The Parents
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.”— Joan Rivers, telegraph.co.ukTagged: Funny Quotes, Exercise, Running, Hate Working Out, Lazy
“I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.”— Groucho Marx, telegraph.co.ukTagged: Funny Quotes, Funny Insults, Forgetting Faces, One-Liners
“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”— Demetri Martin, cc.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Charades, Family Game Night, Worst Time To Have A Heart Attack, Funny
“I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it’s hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.”— Larry David, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Larry David, Childhood, Adulthood, Growing Up Sucks
“I got fired from the orange juice factory because I couldn't concentrate.”— Unknown, reddit.comTagged: Reddit, Funny Quotes, Clean Jokes, Work Jokes, One-Liners
“Why do I even have a dog if she can't let me in when I'm locked out?”— Perfume Genius, twitter.comTagged: Dogs, Funny Quotes, Locked Out Of The House, Wishing Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs, Pets
“Behind every strong woman are 5 other strong women who proofread her email real quick when they had a second.”— Gabby Noone, twitter.comTagged: Strong Women, Funny Quotes, Women In The Workplace, emails, Friendships
“Get on his dick. Not on his nerves.”— Violet Benson, instagram.comTagged: DaddyIssues, Funny Quotes, Dating, How To Not Annoy Him, Dicks
“I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.”— Unknown, reddit.comTagged: Thesaurus Jokes, Terrible Thesaurus Problems, Awful, Funny Jokes, Funny Quotes
“I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.”— Anonymous, reddit.comTagged: EpiPen Jokes, Dying, Dark Humor, Sad Jokes, Funny Quotes
“When parents say to kids go to ur room & think about what you've done it's really good practice for what you'll do every night as an adult.”— Pat Tobi, twitter.comTagged: Funny Tweets, Best Tweets, Parenting, Funny Quotes, Adulthood
“Two mallards walk into a bar, the third one ducks.”— Unknown, reddit.comTagged: Funny Quotes, One-Liners, Puns, Animal Jokes
“I can't believe I have to keep washing this stupid body until I die.”— Frenchielaboozi, twitter.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Funny Tweets, Bodies, Washing, Showers
“I'm just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut.”— Unknown Meme, onsizzle.comTagged: Salad, I'm Just A Girl, Salad Jokes, Donuts, Funny Quotes
“If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.”— Guy Endore-Kaise, twitter.comTagged: Funny Tweets, Tweets, Funny Quotes, Desert Island, Swim Jokes
“I wish I could text my dog when I wasn't at home with her. Tell her I miss her. See what she's doing. Ask her to take a selfie for me.”— Violet Benson, Violet Benson, instagram.comTagged: Dogs, Funny Quotes About Dogs, Miss My Dog, Funny Quotes, Dog Jokes
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”— Theodor Rosyfelt, quoteinvestigator.comTagged: Funny Quotes, Lazy Jokes, Lazy, Doing Nothing, Jokes
“Why do people say no offense right before they’re about to offend you?”— Anonymous, quora.comTagged: Conversational Framework, Funny Jokes, Funny Quotes, No Offense, Offensive People
“Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.”— Anonymous, amazon.comTagged: cats, Cat Jokes, Funny Quotes, Cats vs. Dogs
“I want pizza. But I don’t wanna pay for pizza. I need a pizza daddy. A papa John if you will.”— Violet Benson, instagram.comTagged: Papa Johns, Pizza, Sugar Daddy Jokes, Funny Quotes, Pizza Jokes
“People say go big or go home, as if going home is a bad thing? Like hell yeah I wanna go home, and I’m gonna take a nap when I get there.”— Josh Ostrovsky, instagram.comTagged: Go Home, Funny Jokes, Jokes, Funny Quotes, Home
“The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate.”— Brian Gaar, twitter.comTagged: Hate People, People Are Annoying, F U Quotes, Jokes, Funny Quotes
“Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the 'pull out' method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.”— Brandon Gutermut, twitter.comTagged: Pregnancy, birth control, Funny Jokes, Funny Quotes, Best Jokes of Twitter
“Ladies: Don't come off desperate and reply quickly to your crushes texts. Wait a while. Meet someone else. Get Married. Start a family. Keep him guessing.”— Violet K. Benson, instagram.comTagged: Violet Benson, Daddy Issues, Funny, Jokes, Funny Quotes