“Jimmy: Oh, speak for yourself. I'm not the one who flung my sandwich like a upset chimp at the zoo. Gretchen: I threw it because I realized I was living with an uptight dildo whose personality unmakes itself anytime something bad happens. Jimmy: Says the woman who spent weeks catatonic on the couch…”Tagged: dildo, Sandwich, Catatonic, yoga pants, Clinical Illness
“How am I not arm candy for some international movie star with a giant dong? He's part owner of a cool tech company and invents apps when he's not dick-punching Peter Sarsgaard in his latest movie. Sometimes we talk about adopting a kid from a third-world country, but we never do it. And we live in a…”Tagged: Giant Dong, Peter Sarsgaard, Dick-Punching, Arm Candy, Malibu
“They're my parents! I get to lie to them until I'm old and they're dead, and you don't get a vote!”Tagged: Parents, lying
“Do you know what I'd rather experience than long-form improv? Long-form bone cancer.”Tagged: Improv, Bone Cancer