“I just moved in with my boyfriend and I don't have any stuff except for a food processor and, like, nineteen thongs, because even though at first we were like, 'I am not wearing that,' the patriarchy somehow convinced us that visible panty lines were unacceptable, so now I've just grown accustomed…”Tagged: Food Processor, Patriarchy, Boyfriend, vibrator
“The patriarchy somehow convinced us that visible panty lines were unacceptable, so now I've just grown accustomed to the feeling of a fabric rope against my actual asshole all day.”Tagged: LMAO, Underwear, Beauty Standards, patriarchal society, Beauty Industry
“You need to stop. It's like you have amnesia. Every day, you think things are gonna be different, and I'll just be happy. Well, maybe you can understand this. I feel nothing. About anything. Dogs, candy, old Blondie records, nachos, you, us, nothing. So for the last time, please go.”Tagged: Depression, Empty, Loving Someone With Depression
“How am I not arm candy for some international movie star with a giant dong? He's part owner of a cool tech company and invents apps when he's not dick-punching Peter Sarsgaard in his latest movie. Sometimes we talk about adopting a kid from a third-world country, but we never do it. And we live in a…”Tagged: Giant Dong, Peter Sarsgaard, Dick-Punching, Arm Candy, Malibu
“Oh, my God, that is so sexist and mansplainy! You a Gamergater? Am I living with a Gamergater?”Tagged: Sexism, Mansplaining, Gamergate
“Well, as my Grandma used to say, it's only a walk of shame if you're capable of feeling shame. See you later. Thanks for doing all the sex stuff on me.”Tagged: Walk of Shame, Grandma, Shame, Sex Stuff
“Well, as my Grandma used to say, it's only a walk of shame if you're capable of feeling shame.”Tagged: Shameless, one-night stand, Slut Shaming, Sex Advice
“If 'I love you' is like a promise, it's just a promise to try real hard. It doesn't mean you can't fail.”Tagged: Commitment Issues, I Love You, Relationships
“Have you ever had a day that starts with one bad decision? And then... it's just a cascade of bad decisions, until you're like, "Well, might as well burn down the whole town tonight"?”Tagged: Fuck It, Life Sucks, Growing Pains
“You know this is the best time, right? It is all downhill from here, for real. I mean, you do get hotter, and get to do or eat whatever you want, and that’s awesome, but things are new right now. And you feel things so hard and that is beautiful.”Tagged: Youth, Growing Pains, Enjoy Your Life, Teenage life
“I bought in! Finally, after a lifetime of being too goddamn scared and you punished me for it! It just confirmed what I’ve always known; at the end of the day I’m unlovable, fundamentally, always have been.”Tagged: Commitment Issues, I Hate Myself, Afraid To Love, Unlovable
“Gretchen: You just spit on my vagina. Jimmy: So? Gretchen: Don't! Jimmy: Why? Gretchen: Why don't spit on my vagina? Jimmy: It's saliva. It's gonna get there anyway.”Tagged: Spitting, Vaginas, Spitting on Vaginas
“They're my parents! I get to lie to them until I'm old and they're dead, and you don't get a vote!”Tagged: Parents, lying
“No, seriously, Jimmy, I feel such empathy for you, being a writer. I mean, everyone feels sorry for kids forced to work in the diamond mines in Sierra Leone, but where is the telethon for the noble writer? Bravely drinking coffee, spilling his blood to get his feelings out, filling two, maybe three…”Tagged: Sierra Leone, Writers, Coffee, Internet Porn
“You're what this town calls a tweener. You're not hot enough to be the lead, and not fat enough to be the funny friend.”Tagged: Tweener, fat, Skinny, Hot
“Improv is the lowest form of comedy. That whole school of yours is just a bunch of actors so janky-looking, no one will write lines for them, so you have to make them up yourself.”Tagged: Improv, comedy
“Gretchen: You know, after I cleaned the fries off your face and put you to bed, you said something to me that was pretty dark. Jimmy: Don't tell me. Gretchen: Okay. I won't. [pause] I love you, too.”Tagged: dark, I Love You