Quote
Catalog

Jerry Seinfeld

496 quotesTelevision Actor · Born Apr 29, 1954 · United States Of America · Male

Jerome Allen "Jerry" Seinfeld (born April 29, 1954) is an American comedian, actor, writer, producer, and director. He is known for playing a semifictional version of himself in the sitcom Seinfeld, which he created and wrote with Larry David. Seinfeld was heavily involved in the Bee Movie, in which he voiced its protagonist. In 2010, he premiered a reality series called The Marriage Ref. He directed Colin Quinn in the Broadway show Long Story Short at the Helen Hayes Theater, which ran until January 2011. He is the creator and host of the web series Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. In his stand-up comedy career, Seinfeld is known for specializing in observational comedy, often ranting about relationships and embarrassing social situations. In 2005, Comedy Central named Seinfeld their "12th Greatest Stand-up Comedian of All Time". 2Early life Seinfeld was born in Brooklyn, New York. His father Kalmen Seinfeld collected jokes he heard while serving in World War II. His mother, Betty (née Hosni; born 1914), is of Syrian-Jewish descent; her parents Selim and Salha Hosni were from Alepp

All Dating (29)Sex (23)Breakups (19)Men (15)Women (14)Nudity (14)comedy (12)Masculinity (12)Attraction (11)Relationships (11)body odor (8)Jokes (8)Death (8)Homophobia (7)Marriage (7)

From “The Seinfeld Chronicles”

I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, OK? I, I, I admit, I, I'm not getting the signals. I am not getting it! Women, they're so subtle, their little...everything they do is subtle...men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men…

Men Women Dating Subtlety

I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, OK? I, I, I admit, I, I'm not getting the signals. I am not getting it! Women, they're so subtle, their little...everything they do is subtle...men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men…

Men Women Dating Subtlety

I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, OK? I, I, I admit, I, I'm not getting the signals. I am not getting it! Women, they're so subtle, their little...everything they do is subtle...men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men…

Men Women Dating Subtlety

From “Male Unbonding”

See, the great thing about guys is that we can become friends based on almost nothing. Just two guys will just become friends just because they're two guys. That's almost all we need to have in common. 'Cause sports—sports and women—is really all we talk about. If there was no sports and no women…

Male Bonding Sports Women Friendship

See, the great thing about guys is that we can become friends based on almost nothing. Just two guys will just become friends just because they're two guys. That's almost all we need to have in common. 'Cause sports—sports and women—is really all we talk about. If there was no sports and no women…

Male Bonding Sports Women Friendship

See, the great thing about guys is that we can become friends based on almost nothing. Just two guys will just become friends just because they're two guys. That's almost all we need to have in common. 'Cause sports—sports and women—is really all we talk about. If there was no sports and no women…

Male Bonding Sports Women Friendship

From “The Ex-Girlfriend”

Women need to like the job of the guy they're with. If they don't like the job, they don't like the guy. Men know this. Which is why we make up the phony bogus names for the jobs that we have. ‘Well, right now, I'm the regional management supervisor.’ ‘I’m in development, research, consulting.’ Men,…

Attraction Men Women status

Women need to like the job of the guy they're with. If they don't like the job, they don't like the guy. Men know this. Which is why we make up the phony bogus names for the jobs that we have. ‘Well, right now, I'm the regional management supervisor.’ ‘I’m in development, research, consulting.’ Men,…

Attraction Men Women status

Women need to like the job of the guy they're with. If they don't like the job, they don't like the guy. Men know this. Which is why we make up the phony bogus names for the jobs that we have. ‘Well, right now, I'm the regional management supervisor.’ ‘I’m in development, research, consulting.’ Men,…

Attraction Men Women status

From “The Heart Attack”

Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body; we just want the body.

Women Men Attraction doctors models

Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body; we just want the body.

Women Men Attraction doctors models

From “The Shoes”

Because I snubbed her. You see? Women, they like that! Yes! I understand women. The snub is good, they love the snub.

Snubbing Aloofness Attraction Women

From “The Wink”

Salad! What was I thinking? Women don't respect salad eaters.

Salad Masculinity Women Veganism

Salad! What was I thinking? Women don't respect salad eaters.

Salad Masculinity Women Veganism

&&MK KK K MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWK&W MWWWWMMWWWWWWWWWWWWWMK WWKKWWWWMK&MWWWWWWWWMWMM WW &WWWWWWWWMMWWWWWWWMWWM&& W&K&WWWWWWWWMMWWWWWWWWWWMMMK WWWMWM&&K&WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM& KK MWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWMWM&KK MM WWWWWM WWWWW MWWWWWWWWWWWWMMMMM& KMW MW MWWW KWWWWWWMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMM&&&& K WWWW WWWWWM KWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM&&&&&&M&KMWWWWW&MWWWWKWW KWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM&&&KK &MM&&KWWWW KWWWW& WW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM&KKKK KK&MMWMMWWWKWW W WW KW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM&MMMMM&K&K&MMWWWWWWWWW MMW M &M &&WWWWWWWWWWWMMMMMWM&&K&MMMM&MWWWWWW&&WWW KWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMWWMM&&KK&&MM&&&&KKWWWWWWM WWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMWWWWMM&&&&&&&KKKK WWWWWK MM WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM&&&KKKK KM& &W WWM && KK KWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM&&&K WWWW &WK MW &WWWWWWWWWWWWWM&&KK WWK M K&&K WW & KWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM&&KK &WWMK MK MM MMM&KMK&K& WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMM&KKK &WWMK K KWWWWWWWWWWMKKK MK KK &WK KWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMM&&KK KWWWW& MK &WWMWWWKK& &MK K K K KKK WW& MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM&&K KMWWWW&K & &&KKWWMWW &&M MMM K WW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWM&&K &WWWWW&&K KM &&&& &WWW& & WK& WWK WWWWWWWWWWMM&KK &WWWWWM& &K KWMMK K WWMM &K &&K K WWW& &WWWWWWM&&KK K&WWWWWWWMWM K&W K &&&K K K &WM KK K W WW& KWWWWWMMK K&MMWWWWWWWW&&M&K&KMWK K & KWWWM WWM MWMM& KK&MMWWWWWWW&&&WMKKK KWWK K& &&M K KWW WWWWW WWWM KMMMMMWWWWWWWWWW&KKMKKKKK WWK& W& MMK WWWW & MWWWM K &MWWWWWWWWWWWWWW&KKK&K &WMK& W KM KM&KK KMMW& WWW MWWWWK &WWWWWWWWWWWW&&KK&K K&K M&M& K& K&W& M&MWWWWWWWMWW WWWW WWW WWWWWWWWW&KKKK & MWK W &WWMWWWMWWWWWWWWW&&M

,.,,,..,,,.,,,,:::,: :,:,:: : : :::: .,. ,: .,, :, , ,: . , .. . , ::,,. .,,,,,,,.,,,,,:,::: :::::: :: : : : . ,. .. ,, .: .. : :,:, ,,,,:,,,,.,,:,::,,::: : ,:,,:: : :: :: :,: ,,. ., .: , . . ,. . ::,. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,:::: : : ,: ,: : : ,:, : : :::. , , : . . : ,: ,,:,::,.,,,:,::,:: : ::,,:: ::: , ., . , . :. :: ,,::::::,,,,,:,,::: :: :::. : : : :, , .. , , : ::::::,,,::,:::::: :::,,, : : ,:: ,:: :: ... . . : ,:::::,:,,,:,,::::: : ::,:,:: : : : , : , :::::::::,,,,::::::::: :::,:: , :::::::::,:::,::, : : ::,,:::: : , ::: ::::,:,:,:,,,::: : : :, : ,. ::: :::,:,,,,,::: : ::: . :. .. ::: :::,:,.,,,,::: : :: : .. . : : ::::,,,,,,,,:, : :: , :::::,,,,,,,,,,,::: : :: . , ,::::::,,,,,,,,:, :: : : ::::::,,,:,,,,,::::: : : . , :, :,,,:,,,: :::: : ., :::::::,,,,,:,:,::: :: : : , : ::::,:,,,,,,::: : : : ,,., :: :::,,,,:::::: : : , : : ::::::,:::: : : :, : . . : : :::::::::: : :: , , , :, : . : ::: , : :: . , , : ::, : : :: : : : . :: , : ::: : . , :.., , : : , ,.. , :: : . , : : : :: :,.. ,:, . . . : : :.. :,,,. :. . .:: : . , : :...... , : . .: : :: ,.. . : :.,,., . ,, : . :. , . .,, . : , . . . .. : . . . :: ... . . :,. . . . : . .,, . , . , , . . , . ,:...., . ., : , .,,: ,.. ,:. .,: . . , , . .,,.. , , . .: :: . : : , : .., ,

~~~~ ~ ~~<~~ ~~~~<<<<<~<~~~~~ ~~~~~<<~<<~<*****<*<~<<<<<<****~< <~}~** } * << *~ }}*<<<<<~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~~<~<<<<<~<< ~<~~ ~~<~<*~*<**<<<<****<<<~<~<<}***<}<<~*<**~~<<*<~*<} ~ *< ~ *} } }}*<<<*~<<<~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~<~~~ ~~~<<<<*<<~<<<~~~~~~<~<<*<<*<*<<}*<**<~<~~~~~<***<* } << * * << ~ * *~ ~ << }** * < }}**<*<<<<<~~~~ ~ ~~~ ~ ~ ~ ~~~~~~~~~<<<<<<<<<<~~<<<~<~<<***<*<***<****<*<<~~~ <<***<* } } ~ *}} ~~* ~ ~ <~ }}****<**<~<~~ ~ ~~ ~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~~*<*<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<*<*}**}**}****}<<<~~~~<**<*** ~ } < <** < ~ }***<<*<*<<<<~~ ~ ~ ~~~~~~~<~ ~~~~<<****<<<<<<**<<<****}*}*}*}}}}*****<< ~<<~*****} } ~ ~ ~* * }********<*<<<~~ ~~~~~ ~~~<~~ ~ ~~~<*<**<<<*<<<**~<<****}}*}}}}}}******<<~~<<*****<~ }~ < } }****}*}****<<<~ ~~ ~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~<*******<***<*<***}}}} }} } }}}}}**<~~<~<<**}** < <} < } **}** }}}***<<~~ ~ ~~~<~~~~~~~~<***<**********}**}*} *}} }}}} }**<<~~**}*}}<} }}<~ < } }}}*}}* *}<**<~< ~ ~ ~ ~<<<<~ <~<<**}}*<<***}}}***}}}}} } } }}}}*}<*<*<*}}}}~ * }}} }} }**<<~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~<~~<<<~~~~<<**}*}}}*}}*}}*}}}*} } } }}***<<**}} } ~ }}}} } }}**}<~ ~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~~<*<~~<<<<<*}*}}}}}**}}*}*} }} }} }}}}<*}}} }}~ } ~ < } }}* <<~ ~ ~~ ~~~ ~~~~~~<<*<<<<**}} }}*}}}*}}}*}} } }}*}*}}}<~ * } }***< ~ ~ ~<~~ ~~~~~~<<~*<<<<*<*}} } }*}}}}}}}}}* } }}****<~ ~ < }}}<< ~ ~<<~ ~~~*****<*<**}} } }}}}}}}}}** } }}}*~ < }}}*< ~~~~ ~ ~ <<<<<*<******} }*}* }}}}}*}} } }}< ~ }*< ~ ~~~~~~ <<*}<*<**}}} } } } }}*}} } }}}< ~ } }*< ~ ~ ~ ~~~~~~~ ~~*<**<****}}* }} }*}}}} *< } *<< ~ ~ ~ ~~<<*<**}****} } } }} }}}} }*< ~ ~ } }}< ~ ~~ ~~~~ ~ ~~<<<*<****}} } * } } }}}} } } }}} ~ * }** ~~~ ~ ~~~~ ~ ~<<<**}****}}}} }}} } }}**} }* } } ~ * }< ~~~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~<<**}*}***}} }}* *~< }} ** * } ~ * }< ~ ~< ~ ~ ~~~~~~<<<<<**}****}}} }}}} }< *< ~ ~ } }} ~ *~ ~ ** ~~~~~~~~ ~ ~ ~ ~<~<<~~~<<<<*****<***}} }}} } }~}< }<* ~ ~ < * }* ~ ~<~~ ~~ ~ ~~~~<<<<<~<<~<<<*<<***<*}*}} *< < < < }~ * }<~ ~ ~ *~ * }* ~~ <~~~ ~~ ~<~<<<<<<<<~<<<<<*****}*} }<~ } } * ~~~<~~~~ ~~ ~<<~<<<**<<*<<**}* }*< }~ < < * ~ }* ~~<<~ ~ ~ ~<<<<<*<***}** }< } ~ }~ ~ * <} * <~~<<~~~~ <~ ~<*<*< } }* * < < ~ } <~<<<~~~~<<<}*<** << < * }<* ~ ** <<<<~<<<~ ~ * ~< }~ <} * ** < ~~ ~ ~ < } }* <<<< * ~ }~ ~ < }~ <<~ } ~< * *< }}* <<<< } ~<< *<~ ~~ * < < ~ ~ < < } }* <*<*< ~**} } < * ~* } ~ }}* <<<<<*~ *< ~~<} } }} ~ < ~ * * } ~ }< <<**<<<*<<****}*}*****}}<******}}}}}} } ~ << * * < ** * << ~ ~ ** * **

j o VjjVoj j jj U joooo j j j jj j Uj j ooooo V Vo o V o oooooo j j o joVVojj V oVV oVVojj o Uo o oVVojj j j jj U Uo j oo VVoo j j j jjjj j V VUoj oooj jj jjj j ojjj V UVjjV VVojj jjjj j jjjj jojjjjjj j j V o V UU oVo j jjjj j jjjjjjjojjjj j j j o o UU o V oVjjjjjjjjoj j jj jj jjjjjojjjjjjjjjj Uo U U jooj jojjjjjjj j jj jj jjjjojjjjjjjjjj ojoojojooojjj j jj jjjjjjjjooojoojj jjj j UUU oo V oVoojojojoojj jjojj j j jjjoojojojjjjjjjj UU U U V j ooojooooooojojj joo j j jojj jj jjojoooooooojjj U U VU VVVooVoooo ojjj jooojjj jj jjjjojooooooojjjjjjjj o o VVVoVVooooojojj j ojooj j j jjjjjoooooooVjooooojjjj oV VVVVVVVoooojjjj joojo jj j jj j jjj jjooooooooooojj jj j U VVVVoVVVVVooojoj joooojj j j j oooVVVVoVVVVVojj j U UUVVj o UUUVVVVVVVoooooojj oooojjj jjj Ujj Voj ojj jU U UUUUVojjoU UUUUUVUVVVVVooooojj oojoj jj jjUj j UVVVj oU U U U UUUVVUVVVVVoooojj oojjj jojjV V jojj UVVj o V U oU j UUUVUUUVVVVooVoojj joooVVoo jj oU oooo V Uo V V U VUVjU UUUUUVoVVVoojj joo VoooV UVj o U VU o V U V U V UUUUUUVVVVoVooojj j V VooV UUUo UVj Vj U V VUVUU UUUUUVVVVVooj V ooo U UVj o V UUo VU j j U V VjUUVUUUUVVoVooojj Vj joooV V Uo U U jV UVj UV jU V UVoVoVooojj U j joooooooo Uoj V U U U Ujj V U V ojVUUUVoVoojj UV U o U V VUVVoooooooo Voj oVV V jV j U Vj UUUV U oVoVUV oVVoVoooj j V U UUUVVooojjooVo Uo VUU U oo o j oj o o U UoVooooj U UUUVooooooooVVVUo U Uo UV Uo V o oUUVVVojj oVUVVo U V V V UVooU UVVVUUooVo UUUU VoV VV U U jVVoooj j jjjj jjoooVV U V VUUVVVoooVUUUUUUVo j oV UUV U V V joVoojj jjoVj j VUUVVVooUUUUUUUUVUVoo VoV o jUV Vo U V V j o VV jVVVooj

MWM&K MWWWWWWWW& WWWWWWWWWWW W MWWWWWWK MW W WWWWWWWWW&&MKWW&WWW WWWWWWWWM&&K&WWWWMW WWWWWWWWM&MM&MWWK K W& &WWWWWWWWW&K &W WWWWWW&K W &K & K W WWWWWWWMK WW& MWW K K W WWWWMK WWMKK& K & K W WWK &WWWWM& M MW W &WWWWWW&KKKW WM W &WWWM M KWWWWWWW W& WWW K WW& W WWWWWWWWK MWK WWWW& K & K KK K MMK WWMM& MK WWWWWW& KW&M&&&&K & K & M&MWWWWM WWM&WW KWM&& M& & KK&MWWWW& WWWWWK KKMMWWWMWM K K& K&W& WWMMK M&&WMMW& WWM &K K M & WW&M &M&&&KMMMMWMK & K & & WW&KK K & KKKW & &&K K &WK M K& M K K K W& K K W K K K K W WW WWWKWWKWK WMWMW W WW& &WWMW& WWKWWWWMWWW MMWW WWWW

.,...,,:::::: :: : ,,, : . , . : :. ,,,.,,,: :,,: :: : . : ,:: , ,::,,,::::,,: :: : :, : :::,,:,:::,: : ,::,,,:::::: : : . ::,,.,,: :: , ::,,,,::::: ::,,,,,:: : , :::,,,,: :: . : : ::::: , , : ., : ::: :. . : , . . . . :. , : : ., : , : . , : : . : ,. :., .. :: :: , : , :,, , ,, , : :,., , : :. ::,.,: . , , . ::,..:: , : :. ::,..:: : . . : ::,.,: : . , . :,.., ::: :: : : ., : : , . ., . ,,,.,:::::,:::: : , ,. . : ,: . . ,,...,,,...,:,,: , ,: : .: ,, .: : , . ... ..: . . : :, :. : :: : .. . . . :

~ ~<<~~~ ~~<<<<*<~~<*<~ ~ ~ <~~~~ ~ ~ ~<<<<<~~<*****<~ ~<~ <* } < *<*<<~ ~ ~<<<<<<<**}}***~~<* < *****<~ ~~~ <*<*****}}}}}}*<~**~ * ~ < }*}}**~ ~<~~*}}*}*}}} }}}<<< ~ } }*~ ~ ~<<<<}}}*}}*}} }}<~ }< ~<*<*} }}}}*} }< ~ }< ~ ~<**} }}***} }*} ~ }< ~ <***} }}< *~~*} < ~ ~~~~<***} } * ~ ~~<**<**< }< ~ * ~~~~<*< ~ }** * ~< } ~ } < <<~~ * <} * * ~~ ~** ~ ~ * * <*<~~*}}}***}}}}} } }}< } < } } *<<~~<<<*<<<*** * ~ ~} }<<* }}< } } } } * } <*~ ~<<<*<<***}} ~~ < * < * * * } } <<~ <<**<<*}}} ~ * ~~ ~<<*<<*}*} } ~ ~~ * } < ~ ~~<<<<*}}} * } } } } } ~~~~~<***} * * **~ * } ~ < ~~~~<*<<} } ~ < * * < ~~ ~~<~<*< ~ } }<* < * < ~~~~~~~ ~<~ <} <* }~** * * ~ < ~~~~ ~ ~ *~}~ * ~ < < * } < } ~ ~ < < * } < *~ } < ~ < <~ < ~ } } ~ * * ~ } } < * ~ * } }}~ *}*} ~ < } ~ }} * <~ ~ *

j ooj oj Vj V Vj j o o jjj U o U V oj jj jjjj j ojjjj j jjjjjj U ooojj jjj jooojj Voojj jjj o jj UojU Uooojjj jojj jo U j V V V U VU VVVoooj j oU o o j V j V VVVVooj o joV j U U V joUVUooj V V VVojj V U U Vj oVoj Vo U UjoVoVoo Uo VUVV oVo j U Vo VUVUoV Uj o jo V jVo j o VUVU o j jo Uj U o j o jj V UV U V o oo joj o o o UUV U o j jo V UU U o VoU U V V jj V j j U UUVU Vojojoo j VV jjVV V o VU U V VVU j UVUV Uo UU V jV joUjj V V VjV jUUj VoUU o UU j j UV VVVj jj jV UUV U Uoo VV VU V oVo V U o jU UUVU VUV ooU j ooj j Uoo j V j U VVV o oVjj VVj jjV jj j VVjjoU jjjo j j V o j o U U U U