Jim Gaffigan

: Cincoby Jim Gaffigan, Himself, Jeannie Gaffigan(14 total)

America's king of clean comedy delivers wickedly funny jokes in his fifth hour-long special.

Characters

Sometimes my phone rings, I look at it and I think: ‘This person better be calling to tell me their hands are chopped off.’ ‘I just wanted to hear your voice, Daddy.’ ‘Buy my album.'

— Jim Gaffigan, amazon.com

phone calls

We’re totally equals. I mean, when we rent a car, I won’t let her drive. And that’s not sexism. I just don’t wanna die.

— Jim Gaffigan, amazon.com

wives

My wife is amazing. Even in the most stressful moments, I will catch her looking at me with an expression that could only be described as regret. But she’s Catholic, so there’s no quitting the team.

— Jim Gaffigan, amazon.com

wives Catholic Guilt

Who’s the first person to walk into a harbor and go: ‘Hey, whatever reeks in here, let’s eat that!’ Fish don’t even like fish. That’s why they’re always frowning.

— Jim Gaffigan, amazon.com

food

For the record, I would never eat a dolphin ’cause I don’t like fish. And I know I’ll get tweets where people will say, ‘Dolphins are mammals.’ And those are the people I block. ‘Cause that’s how I deal with criticism.

— Jim Gaffigan, amazon.com

Dealing With Negativity

We were all raised with this bigotry towards Russians. I have a friend. He was born in Russia. He moved here when he was 3 and I still think he might be a spy. We don’t know.

— Jim Gaffigan, amazon.com

Russians and Americans

My 3-year-old didn’t get me a birthday present this year. Yeah. And I’ve known him for a couple years. So I’m not talking to him.

— Jim Gaffigan, amazon.com

Parenting kids

No one wants to admit they have a landline. It’s like discovering you’re still paying for AOL.

— Jim Gaffigan, amazon.com

Technological Advacements phones

We all have the friend or relative with the flip phone. You’re like, ‘Where’d you get that? Do you use that to call the past?'

— Jim Gaffigan, amazon.com

Cell Phones Technological Advacements

We have relationships with these television shows. You ever break up with a show? You watch a bunch of episodes and then you’re like, ‘It’s over. I don’t even know you anymore. I gave up the best nights of my life.'

— Jim Gaffigan, amazon.com

Binge-Watching Television TV Shows

My friends don’t understand. ‘When do you watch? You have five kids.’ I ignore them. I can’t go to that recital. I’m re-watching West Wing.

— Jim Gaffigan, amazon.com

Binge-Watching Television

The first thing you notice when you go hiking is it’s a mistake. ‘Oh, we’re not walking anywhere in particular.’

— Jim Gaffigan, amazon.com

Nature Walk

But what I didn’t realize is that ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb,’ in its day, was a huge hit. It was huge. It was like their ‘Uptown Funk.’ Which makes you wonder what was going on in the 1830s.

— Jim Gaffigan, amazon.com

Music History

Summer vacation does kind of set up an adulthood of disappointment. That first job, you’re like, ‘I have to go to work in July? What is this, Russia?’

— Jim Gaffigan, amazon.com

Summer Feels Being A Child Growing Up

MMWWWMMMMW&KKMWM MMMMMM&K WWW K MWWK KK&MWWWWWWKK &M& &WWMM&&&M&K K&&&MWWWWWWMK&K&MW WWWMM&KK WWWWK WWW& KK&MWWWWWMK &WW& WWWWWWWM&&K KKK&&MWWW&W WWWMM&K MWWWWW KWWWWM & K&&MMMK&& KMW& MWWWWWWM&KK K&&MWMMWMMWMK K&MWWM&K KWWWWWWWWWWWM WWWWWW & KK&&&MM& MKMWWWWMKK KK KKKK&&&MWWMMMWMWM&&MM&&K WWWWWWWWWWWM &M&MK K&M&MMMWW &MMKMMMM& KKKKKK&KKWM& KMKKK & WWWWWWWM& K& KK&K&K K&&MMK KKKK&&MM&K &K K M&K M WWWWW& KKKM& KWWW& &MK&M&K KK&&&&&&MM KK K&&K && MM KKK&&MK &MWW&K K K&KK&&&&& K KK W&K K W KKMM&&K MMWM&&K KKK&M&&MMWM&&MMM&K &WM K W& KM&MMMM &&WW&&&K &MMWWWWWWMMM& WW& KWW K&MWWWWWWWMMMMM&&&& &&MWMWMM& WW WM KMWWWWWMMMM& K & K WWM MWW K&MMMM&K M&K WWWW&K &WWWWK &W &K MW &MMKK&&KK KKK KWWWWMM &WM WWWWMWWMM&&&KK & WWWWWWMMMMK &WWWM WWWWWWWMMMWWWWWWWW&WWW MWWWWWWW&WWWWMMMMWWWWWM WWWWWWWWM&WWMWM&&WWWWW WWWWWWWW&MWM&WWWWWWW MWWWWWWWWW&&MKMWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWW&MWWWWWWWMW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW KWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWW& WWWWWWWW &WWWWWWWWK WWWWWWW WWWWWWWWW KWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWK MWWWWWW WWWWWWWW KWWWWWWW WWWWWWW K&&&&& KKK&K WWWWWWM W&WWWWWK WWWWWWWW W WWWWWWW W KK W M K KM W & K&K M W WW W M WWWWWWW&W WWWWW W W W &W W WWWW W& W KWW& W WK M W&W WW W WWWWWWWW WMW W W WWWWWWW WWWW& WWWWWWW WWWW & & K K K W M & W MK KK KM W WK K KK W K K& WWWWWW WWWK W W W W M W WW W W W WKM MM W MM W W&MM W W W WW WM &W W MW&K W &WWWWW WWW & & K KK & K K K &K K K && WWWWW WWK WWWWK WW WK W MM MWWWW WK W &W W &MM W&WK&&K M W MW W W W W WW&KW&WKW WW WW MKW WW MWWWW W KK M M M& KK K & M M K W K W KM KW MWWWW K

..........: :.. , . , : : :, . ,,,,. . : , :::::::, ,,, . ........ ., : :. , ,. . ,. , ., , ::,::::, :,, ............ : :. . , : ,,. . , :::,,,, ,,, .. ........., :, : : : .:, . .,:::::: .,, .. ..,,.,,:::: . . , . , . . . , ,, :. . ..,: :::, ::, ...,..,:::::: ,, . :: . , . . : . . : . .. .. . : :: ::, ,,,,:,.,::: :,. . : .: : :: . : : ..,.. . ... : ::, ::::::::,,: , : , . .: , , , ::::: : : . , . , .: :, ,. : :: : : : , : ,: :::::::,: :: :. :: : , : ,. , ., :::::::,,:::: : :: . , ,, . ., : , , . . , ,. : ,,: :::,::::: : : , . , :, . . :. . . : ,:::::,:::::::: :,. , . . :. : : .... . . : . ..... , : ,. . . .. ,.. , :, . : : . : ,. : ., :. : :,. .,, , .. . , . ,, , , :: . .. : . , :. ....: , , .. . : :: : . , : : .: : : ,.. , : , ,: , .. . . , , :, . . ,:, , . ., :: : ,: .. . ... : : , , : . . :. ,. . . : , : ..,, . ., : :., : : ., .., . .. ,.., ,. , ,: : . .: : , . .,: :.. :.: . ::. .., . .: ,: . ,. . .: , ,: . , . :,. ., :. : : :........:.,: .. ., : . , .. .. .,: :.: ,. , : .: . :: , ,,., : :, . , : : . . .: : ,: :,. : , .,, . , . , : :: ,,: .: . , ..,, , : , . : : :: : . :,: , ::: , :., . . :. : ::. , :. : :.,.,::. , :,,.. . ,, , .., : : : . :: ,::, : ,: .: :,. ., ..,:, :. ,. : , :. . . , :::. . :, : : : .:: ::,,,,, ., .. : : ,:,,: : ,, , ., , ,:,,. . . . . ,. . . ,:,, .,,, :::,,: :,, ,: . : , : ::::. .. .. : : ::: : ,, , , . , :,: ::, .: :,,,.. . .: , : :: , : ., :: :: :,,:: : : :: . . : , . ::::: , ,::.: :: . .. .: ::::,, .,: .. : : ,, :, :: ::.: , ::,::,, :::,. : ...::. , , :,:, . : ::: . ,, .:,: :::::,: : , : , : : . , : . ,::::.: : ::. :: ::: . : : :: :::, ,,: .: , :::::, : . : :,,.,. ::,, ::::::, : . .:: :::: ::: , ::,.: : : :. , ::,:,: ,. , . . . ,..,: ::.. . :::::,,,: : ::: ... : , :: : ,,,. : ::: . ,: ,: :: .: :::::,: .::::,: : ,: : : . ,,:: :: :: :. : :: , ,,::::,:: ,, :.: ::. ::,::: :::,,: ,, , .::::::

** * ~~~~ ~ ~~ * }* < ~ }} < } ~~~~~~ } } ~ } } * *} }} <} } * * } * } }* < } *< * } * }}< ~ <~ << <* < *~ << ~<}*~ ** } } ~ ~ < * <<~~~~<<<~~~< * < } } ~~ ~ ~~~*~*~ <~ }<} }} < }< * ~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ < ~ <} * }<~ *<~~ ~~<<< *~~ < < < } ~* < } ~ ~~~~~ ~ ~~~~< * }} *} <<< ~<~< <~~ ~~~~~<<<<~ ~<~* <* ~ } }} < * < < ~~ ~~~~~~~~ ~ * * ~ } < } ~*} ~<<<~ <~< <~~<<<<***<<~ << * * } * ~*~ ~~ ~ ~~~~~ ~ ** <*} *<**~ *<* ***************~* ~ } * ~ ~~ ~~ ~ ~ ~~~~ } ~ }< < ~} }* }<***< **< ****}}}}}*****}* * }} < } }~ *~* } ~ < *< <} ~ * } ~}} }}*}}}* *<< ***}}}}}}}****** ~< }* }< <~*}< < ~<~ ~< } }< ~*}* } *}}}* }** }}}}}}}}}***}**}*< *} }*< << * }~~<~ } ~<**}~ <*< ~~ * *< } * *~}* *** }}}}}}}}}}}}}< <} <~~~ }}*} *}* * * }*<<<< * *<~<* }} }}}}} < } < * } *}}<* *** } }}}}} } }}}} ** ~ ~ ~ }} ****< < <~< }**}*}}} } *} ~* } *** ~< }} ~*} **}** *** }}} } }}~ ~ ~} *~ ~***<* ~~< }} * * *}* ~ ~ * *}} }}} }} ~ * } ~< < < ~}}}}*~ ***** <<* }~ ~} }<< ~<< < ~} * ~}} }} *}}~**}}} <~ }** * <* **** *~* }} * }}} < }*}< ~* ~ } }* }} }* } * ~< * ~ } } }**} ~*~* *}}*}}}}}}<< < *< * * }} }} } }*}*<*<< }<~ ** < ~<} } <}} ~*** <*}<}}}*}**~ *** ~ * ~ }} *}}*}*<}*~ *~ * < * ~~<* *}<* *~~* *}****<< } }~* ~~* ~ *}} <*}<}*<<* < }* }} ~~ } } *<~*<**<*~<< <~ ~ <<} <}< < ~ ~ }}~ }* <** ****< *~ <*<<}*< } }}}* *~ < <<<*<<< ~ *}*} <~~} *< < ~~ *< } ~<* <****< < *~ ~~~~ } ~<~ < * < < }* }}}* * * ~<**<<~ ~ ***}*< * < ~ ~ * }}*} ~~< ~<<<~~ <~ } }~ } <* } ~ ***<< < ~ * ~~<<~~ ~<}*< < }<~}< ~~ ~ <}} < **~* ~<< ~~<<*~~ << << < * * ~~* ~ } ~ ~ < ~~~~ ~ ~ }}} } * ~~ < *} < * <<~~* ~~<< ~< < } <} } ~* } } * * } < ~<* ~~ ~~~ <<* *< ~ <**} ~ ~<}}< *} * <*~* << ~ ~~ ~ < ~ *<**** ~ *< * * ~ * <~ ~ ~<~ < <*** * ~ ~ ~ ~ <* ~ ~ ~ < } } < }* * < <~~} ~ ~<<~ ~ ~ ~ ~<*****}* ~ ~ <} } <* ~ ~**} ~ * <} < } } } < } **} ~ ~<~~ ~~<< < < }***}< ~~~ ~ ~ ~}<} ** <*}}} }*} * * } } }< * * }}*< < ~<<< ~ ~~~ ~ ~ }* *}} ~ ~~ ~~ ~ << **~ ** ~~~***< ~ ~*** ** < <~~<<<< ~~~~ ~*}* ** ~~ ~~~~ ~ ~~ ~~< ~ ~<<~<<~ ~ < ~ <<}} * }}<} } < } } ~ * ~ * **< *} <~ <~<~<<<~~~ ~~~~ *}**}} } ~ ~~ ~~~~~~~< <<~~ ~~ <*} ~ ~ ~ ~ < ~ ~ < } < < } ~~<<* <<~ <~~~~~<~~~ ~~~ ~~ * }*} * ~~~~~ ~< ~<<*} ~ ~~ ~ < ~~ < } ~* < * < < ~ ~~~~~~<~~ ~~~~~ ~ * }* ~ ~~~~~~~~ <<~~~<<*~~ ~~~

j V UU Uo jo V U oV V jV U VU V o UV Uo j U U j jVU U UU V jVUU UV Vj UV Vj j U Uj oVU UV VU o j VU joVUUUU U UVV U o joVVU Vj oo jj Uj joVU UUVj j jojV jVVUUUU UVUU UUo UVVU Uoj j jV UUV U o oVoV U V UUU VjjjooUUU UUUUUV VU V Uo U UV V o V jVU Uj VU Uoj UV j VV j VU VoVV UVjV UU V o o U Vo joV V oVUj oo jjU Uo j oUU Ujj j V U UUj j o oo j jVU j V VjVVVUUVo U o o oU UUU UU jUjo VU UojjjoU o jj j joUUU oVo j U j oV V j j Uj jooVoV Uj V U joV UU U j oV VooooooooVVU Uoj V o V V joUj jjoV ooVo o oU UUVoooooooojj o U VooooVU j U jjooooVVVojjooj j jjj U Vooooj j j j U UUVj j j UoooooooVVooj j V jj jo j j j o UVVoVUU j jj ooj VoooooVU o jjjj jj jjjj V oj jj jjjjjjjj j o joj jjjj jj jjo ojjojjjoojjj Vo V U oo j jjjjj o j jjjj j o j jojo joj j j jj o V jooo j j oo j o j j j o U j j j jj V V j jj jVj joooo j V jjjjj j oj V jj jjj V UUV jj j U V jjj j jo j jj U j VUV o jU j VU o oU V o V Uj jj V j V o V o o jo V j j U jj oVj jj o Uj j j jj o o U oo j VVo j j jo j jo j j j U U o U UVjU o jV U VU V VV VUoj V U o U U o UU o VV U oU U o UV o V V o U j jj o o U V o j V UUoooV VU o o UV UU U j U oo U U jjj j jjo V o o j o j o j j j jj o V jj UV o o V Voo j V j j U o oU jj o jU UjVVo Uo V U oj U jUojj U U V jjj oU j

WWWW&MKWWW& WW &W KWWWMMW&WWWM &&MWWWMKWW& WWWWM WWW KMW& KWWWK MMMMK K M& KWWK &MM MK MM& &MWMK &M W & MW& WW& MWWW M K KWWWWM& KMK K W& WWWWWM&W WWWM&KMWW WWWWWWWW KWWWWWWWK MWWW WWWW WWWM WWWW M& &K KWWW WWW & &W& M&K&W WK MWW WWWM WWM WWW KW W &&KK &M K M M K K &MKW KWW KW & K WWK & W W&M&WKW W W&M W MM&&WW MWW KWWKM W M W W K K K K &WWWW WWWWWK WWWWWWW WWWWWWW MMWWWWWW &M&WWWWWM KKKKWWWKK& WWK & K KWWK WMMMWMMK K &WWWWMWMWWWM WWWW&WKWWWWM

,,. , : . ,, .,:, .. : : :: : , . .: . , :: : , , : :: :,:.,,:,. . ., :: , : ,.:: , ,: : :: : , , , : : , , . , ,,,,, :: ,:, . :, , ., : ,, : . , , : , :: : , : ,: : : , . : , . : :: : : : : , : : . , : : : , : , . . , . , : ::, : :: . , .. : :: :: : :: . : ...,,,:.,,, ,,..... .....,,,,,.. ,,.:,,,.,: :,.........,,.,,:,,.. .....,,,., ,.. .,,,. ..,,.,:::,. ,.,,..,,.: . ., ,.. .,,.,:,:,, ......,,... ,. : ,..,,::::: ,.,,.:,,.. . , : ,.,.,,,,, : ,.,...,,,. : :,:,:::, , ,......,.. . , ,,,,::: , ..,,,,.,... : . :::,:: , ........., , , :,,,,. ...,,..,: :: :,:,, , ....... ::,:. , ......: ::: ,::, . . ..,.., ,., :,,.. , ..., ,,:: :::,, , , ,..: . .:,:,, , .. ... : , , ... ., : ::,: , ,,,, :: : .: : : :::, ::: :

~< < *<* * } <~~ ~ } * * } * * < << ~ ~ ~<*}~ <* ~*} ~***< } ~ } <* < <<**<<*} } <<~<<*< ~ ~ } <} } }} }}}<} } < < ~ } } ~ } ~} }} ~~ *< } } }<< ~ ~* } < ~ < <** < * } <* ~ <}<} }~ *< }*<}~* * < < * ~< }**~ < ~}*<} }}}}~ * **}< <}~ *<**~~ } ~ << } <<*}< * * ~ }* <~<*~ < ~*~ }* <~<* <~<< <* <<~ * * } }< } } * *~~*~ ~* } < }~<*~~* << <~~*<~<*<~ } <<~<<<~}<* <}* <~< * } * } } * < < * <**<~*<<< ~****< ~<* ~ ~* <~<*} * }* * ~<* * <<< * ****~**< <*} * <**}< ~<<* <~<*} * **}~ } ****<~** * }<<< ~**** *<<*} }* * ~*}}~ *~*****<** * }~ }**< <*<*} ~ ~~~~~ * ~~~~ ~~~~ ~ ~ ~~~~~ ~ * } ~ ~~ ~~~ < < < <*< * ~}} } <*~ ~ *< }}~ < * * } * *} } * } *}~ <} * }*}~ }* }*~ * ~ ~}} < ~ * * ~* *}< } < < < <} *} *~ } ~~~*} } * ~*~ ~ < < << < ~*~ } }* ~ ~ ** ~ ~*< } ~ ~**~ * ~

V j o j UV V o UU UV V o jU j Uo jV V o o UU V j U oo j UVoU j j jVU V V o o U o j jj jjjjj UVoo j UUVVVUUU o ooVUojjo oj jjjjjj U U o jjjj j V j o oo jj U j ojoj j o j j o V j jj oo U V o jo j j j V o oU j j j j j oU V U oU o U VjUU U j j oj o o o o o ojVU o Ujo V jVV o ojjjj jU o jj o jV oV U V U U U V U ojj oo o U V j U VU j jj j j j jV j V U j U o o j V U j jo j jU o j ojoU VU oV o U j oo o