Movie

Jim Gaffigan

: Cinco

by Jim Gaffigan, Himself, Jeannie Gaffigan

America's king of clean comedy delivers wickedly funny jokes in his fifth hour-long special.

(14 total)

Characters

Jim Gaffigan (14)

“Sometimes my phone rings, I look at it and I think: ‘This person better be calling to tell me their hands are chopped off.’ ‘I just wanted to hear your voice, Daddy.’ ‘Buy my album.'”

— Jim Gaffigan, amazon.com

Tagged: phone calls

“We’re totally equals. I mean, when we rent a car, I won’t let her drive. And that’s not sexism. I just don’t wanna die.”

— Jim Gaffigan, amazon.com

Tagged: wives

“My wife is amazing. Even in the most stressful moments, I will catch her looking at me with an expression that could only be described as regret. But she’s Catholic, so there’s no quitting the team.”

— Jim Gaffigan, amazon.com

Tagged: wives, Catholic Guilt

“Who’s the first person to walk into a harbor and go: ‘Hey, whatever reeks in here, let’s eat that!’ Fish don’t even like fish. That’s why they’re always frowning.”

— Jim Gaffigan, amazon.com

Tagged: food

“For the record, I would never eat a dolphin ’cause I don’t like fish. And I know I’ll get tweets where people will say, ‘Dolphins are mammals.’ And those are the people I block. ‘Cause that’s how I deal with criticism.”

— Jim Gaffigan, amazon.com

Tagged: Dealing With Negativity

“We were all raised with this bigotry towards Russians. I have a friend. He was born in Russia. He moved here when he was 3 and I still think he might be a spy. We don’t know.”

— Jim Gaffigan, amazon.com

Tagged: Russians and Americans

“My 3-year-old didn’t get me a birthday present this year. Yeah. And I’ve known him for a couple years. So I’m not talking to him.”

— Jim Gaffigan, amazon.com

Tagged: Parenting, kids

“No one wants to admit they have a landline. It’s like discovering you’re still paying for AOL.”

— Jim Gaffigan, amazon.com

Tagged: Technological Advacements, phones

“We all have the friend or relative with the flip phone. You’re like, ‘Where’d you get that? Do you use that to call the past?'”

— Jim Gaffigan, amazon.com

Tagged: Cell Phones, Technological Advacements

“We have relationships with these television shows. You ever break up with a show? You watch a bunch of episodes and then you’re like, ‘It’s over. I don’t even know you anymore. I gave up the best nights of my life.'”

— Jim Gaffigan, amazon.com

Tagged: Binge-Watching, Television, TV Shows

“My friends don’t understand. ‘When do you watch? You have five kids.’ I ignore them. I can’t go to that recital. I’m re-watching West Wing.”

— Jim Gaffigan, amazon.com

Tagged: Binge-Watching, Television

“The first thing you notice when you go hiking is it’s a mistake. ‘Oh, we’re not walking anywhere in particular.’”

— Jim Gaffigan, amazon.com

Tagged: Nature Walk

“But what I didn’t realize is that ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb,’ in its day, was a huge hit. It was huge. It was like their ‘Uptown Funk.’ Which makes you wonder what was going on in the 1830s.”

— Jim Gaffigan, amazon.com

Tagged: Music History

“Summer vacation does kind of set up an adulthood of disappointment. That first job, you’re like, ‘I have to go to work in July? What is this, Russia?’”

— Jim Gaffigan, amazon.com

Tagged: Summer Feels, Being A Child, Growing Up