Jeannie is a very attractive woman. She's very thin, and I know I look like I have two wives and I ate one of them.
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Jim Gaffigan
James Christopher Gaffigan (born July 7, 1966) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and producer. His humor largely revolves around fatherhood, observations, laziness, and food. In his work, he creates voices for characters in his scenarios to accompany his jokes. He is also regarded as a "clean" comic, using little profanity, sexual or provocative content in his routines; and is further known for his deadpan delivery. He has had several successful comedy specials, including Mr. Universe and Jim Gaffigan: Obsessed, both of which received Grammy nominations. His memoir, Dad Is Fat (2013) and his most recent book, Food: A Love Story (2014), are both published by Crown Publishers. He co-created and starred in a TV Land television series based on his life called The Jim Gaffigan Show. He collaborates extensively with his wife, actress Jeannie Gaffigan, and together they have five children. They are Catholic, a topic that comes up in his comedy, and live in Manhattan, New York Cit
When you have a little girl, as a parent you think, 'I should probably save for med school.' And when you have a little boy, you think, 'There's going to be a couple rounds of rehab.
My wife wanted me to add a disclaimer to my book that said 'No one should eat like this.' There are people who think I'm a proponent of unhealthy eating. I'm like the opposite of Michelle Obama.
Sometimes my phone rings, I look at it and I think: ‘This person better be calling to tell me their hands are chopped off.’ ‘I just wanted to hear your voice, Daddy.’ ‘Buy my album.'
We’re totally equals. I mean, when we rent a car, I won’t let her drive. And that’s not sexism. I just don’t wanna die.
My wife is amazing. Even in the most stressful moments, I will catch her looking at me with an expression that could only be described as regret. But she’s Catholic, so there’s no quitting the team.
Who’s the first person to walk into a harbor and go: ‘Hey, whatever reeks in here, let’s eat that!’ Fish don’t even like fish. That’s why they’re always frowning.
For the record, I would never eat a dolphin ’cause I don’t like fish. And I know I’ll get tweets where people will say, ‘Dolphins are mammals.’ And those are the people I block. ‘Cause that’s how I deal with criticism.
We were all raised with this bigotry towards Russians. I have a friend. He was born in Russia. He moved here when he was 3 and I still think he might be a spy. We don’t know.
My 3-year-old didn’t get me a birthday present this year. Yeah. And I’ve known him for a couple years. So I’m not talking to him.
No one wants to admit they have a landline. It’s like discovering you’re still paying for AOL.
We all have the friend or relative with the flip phone. You’re like, ‘Where’d you get that? Do you use that to call the past?'
We have relationships with these television shows. You ever break up with a show? You watch a bunch of episodes and then you’re like, ‘It’s over. I don’t even know you anymore. I gave up the best nights of my life.'
My friends don’t understand. ‘When do you watch? You have five kids.’ I ignore them. I can’t go to that recital. I’m re-watching West Wing.
The first thing you notice when you go hiking is it’s a mistake. ‘Oh, we’re not walking anywhere in particular.’
But what I didn’t realize is that ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb,’ in its day, was a huge hit. It was huge. It was like their ‘Uptown Funk.’ Which makes you wonder what was going on in the 1830s.
Summer vacation does kind of set up an adulthood of disappointment. That first job, you’re like, ‘I have to go to work in July? What is this, Russia?’