“What does it take to get a cab driver’s license? I think all you need is a face—that seems to be their big qualification—and put it on the license. No blank heads are allowed to drive cabs. And the name was like eight consonants in a row. And I don’t even know how I would report the guy. His name wa…”— Jerry Seinfeld, amazon.com
“My whole life, I always wondered what my birth family was like.”— Marlon Wayans, Rick Alvarez, Mike Glock, Alan, Marlon Wayans, imdb.com
“Think Moonlight meets Sex in the City but boiling over with all the tea.”— Justin Simien, Joelle Brooks, Ashley Blaine Featherson, imdb.com
“I don’t tell dark jokes because I’m a comedian. I am a comedian because I tell dark jokes.”— Anthony Jeselnik, imdb.com
“On Saturday, Pete Davidson and SNL made amends. I had some fun. Everyone generally agreed that a veteran’s wounds aren’t fair game for comedy. Maybe now we should all try to work toward restoring civility to public debate.”— Dan Crenshaw, huffingtonpost.com
“I used to do impressions of all the mothers in the neighborhood. I’d get them rolling with laughter. But sometimes – and this is a terrible thing to do to a kid – my father would literally say, 'Stop! You’re going on too long. Shorten it up! Make it interesting!' In order to get my own parents’ atte…”— Howard Stern, rollingstone.com
“Wokescolds are the new representatives of moral panic. We've seen plenty of moral panic before in the United States, from worries about violent video games, to concern about allegations of sex abuse at day care facilities. But never have we seen a moral panic of the stunning breadth of today's woke…”— Ben Shapiro, townhall.com
“A lot of people think that satire is just personal essays that are funny.”— Carrie Wittmer, medium.com
“My mother insisted we stay true to our Spanish heritage so my first words are *knock knock* Housekeeping.”— Bianca Del Rio, imdb.com
“Comedy: six letters, but a thousand reasons it makes the human condition easier.”— Pete Holmes, Oren Brimer, T.J Miller, T.J Miller, imdb.com
“She delivers the kind of crass parenthood comedy that comics like C.K. made famous, but doesn't have a section in her Wikipedia titled 'sexual misconduct revelations.'”— Nicole Clark, vice.com
“You all remember Steve, right? The one who stood up in the middle of our monthly staff meeting and masturbated in front of everyone? Then we found out he had been doing this sort of thing for years and intimidated people into keeping it quiet? And then he sent an apology email where he didn’t use th…”— Bob Vulfov, mcsweeneys.net
“You can't study comedy; it's within you. It's a personality. My humor is an attitude.”— Don Rickles, esquire.com
“One time I did Carson and I made a joke about a black guy in the audience, and Carson stopped me and said, Show me a black guy. The camera panned the audience, and there was no black guy. And I said to Johnny, Did they laugh? The answer was yes. And that's all that matters.”— Don Rickles, esquire.com
“I always rib people, but nobody ever gives me a hard time. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of what I might say. There's probably a lesson in that somewhere, but I don't know what it is.”— Don Rickles, esquire.com