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Quotes tagged ‘comedy’

(199 total)

I hope when he dies he does become a tree. I hope he's in the middle of the wilderness and he's doing his tree thing. Whatever it is trees do. I know they do alot of work with breezes. And wouldn't it be fantastic if while he was out there just enjoying his treeness. Through the woods a huge, sweaty…

— Dane Cook, genius.com

"Let me ask you this. What do you believe happens to you after um, after you die? And I said uhh... okay. well, hopefully I live a good life and my soul goes to heaven and when I get there all my ancestors will be waiting for me like it's an airport HEYYY! Whatsupp? Guess who's dead sucker. Hahahaaa…

— Dane Cook, genius.com

“Oh god. I landed in Marshmallows. How mad can I be?”

— Dane Cook, genius.com

"I gotta have a swamp too. Gotta have a swamp. Either a Swamp, our a marsh full of marshmallows. MARSHmallows"

— Dane Cook, genius.com

"Everybody’s got a dream house The house of your dreams. "

— Dane Cook, genius.com

"Here's a fun one right Guys, next time you at a bar, whatever, and you see a girl at the bar Just walk up to her and go like this... ""Hey, are you gonna walk to your car by yourself later? I'll be over here watching you all night"

— Dane Cook, genius.com

"They're like. Alright, why did you stop at a red light And let me hit you doing 80?! WHY DID YOU STOP AT A RED LIGHT?"

— Dane Cook, genius.com

I don't think it's funny when people stuff pillows in their clothing to look like me. I don't think it's funny when people paint their faces to look like me. I don't think it's funny when a stranger calls me a fat bitch no matter what they're offering to do for me. I don't think it's funny that I'm…

— Gabourey Sidibe, amazon.com

She does stink and she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route; years of rejections and failures ’til she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry.

— Bruce Eric Kaplan, Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld, imdb.com

A golden shower and Kite Runner reference in the same joke? Almost impossible! Almost impossible! I pull it off, because I care.

— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.org

Thank you... I deserve that. I'm really good. I'm one of the best. Actually, I'm the best, currently ranked number one in the world. So buckle up. You guys are in for a treat. Oh, 19,000 people, This is awesome. Thank you. Seriously, don't look around. It's 19,000. People watching on tv, they never…

— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.org

Thank you … San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you … for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.org

You know who LOVES to get fisted? Sock puppets. That joke is adorable!

— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.org

Maybe you don't have to be so funny. I mean, would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That's all I'm asking. This woman thinks I'm very funny. Now you're gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I'm gonna be a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn't seem so funny.

— Peter Mehlman, George Costanza, Jason Alexander, imdb.com

You need some new material. I've heard you do that dog routine three times already.

— Larry David, Uncle Leo, Len Lesser, imdb.com

Have you ever noticed how they always give you the peanuts on the planes?

— Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld, imdb.com

We had a funny guy with us in Korea. A tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific. There's nothing funny about that.

— Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, Alton Benes, Lawrence Tierney, imdb.com

I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do.

— Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, Marlene, Tracy Kolis, imdb.com

My mother wanted us to understand that the tragedies of your life one day have to potential to be the comic stories the next.

— Nora Ephron, hollywoodreporter.com

Without comedy as a defense mechanism, I wouldn't be able to survive.

— Garry Shandling, books.google.com

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