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Peter Mehlman

94 quotesScreenwriter · Male

Peter Mehlman is an American television writer and producer, best known for serving as a writer and producer on the TV series Seinfeld through nearly all of the show's nine-year run from 1989–98. He also created the 1999 series It's Like, You Know... and produced the 2004 animated series Father of the Pride. Both were short-lived. 2Early career Peter Mehlman began his career as a sportswriter for The Washington Post. He made his first move from print journalism to television writing when, from 1982 to 1984, he wrote for and produced the television series SportsBeat with Howard Cosell. For the next five years he returned to freelance magazine writing in New York for magazines such as The New York Times Magazine, GQ and Esquire. In 1989 he moved to Los Angeles and was offered the opportunity to write a script for Seinfeld by Larry David. As he had never written a script up to that point ("Pre-Seinfeld, I'd barely written any dialogue in my life"), Mehlman submitted instead a short humorous piece he had written for the New York Times Magazine. Jerry Seinfeld was so impressed by the piece that he gave Mehlman a writing assignment, out of which came the series' first freelance episode, "The Apartment." Mehlman was hired for the first full season of Seinfeld as a program consultant (1991–92) and, over the next six years, worked his way up to co-executive producer in the show's last season after Larry David's departur

All Sex (6)Attraction (5)Dating (5)Breakups (4)body odor (3)Contraceptive Sponges (3)Parasites (2)Disturbed (2)Lesbianism (2)Immigration (2)Virginity (2)Mental Illness (2)New York (2)Stench (2)Depression (2)

From “The Apartment”

There's always that certain group of people, isn't it? They're talking and talking, and everyone around them is shushing them and shushing them. They won't shush. They're the unshushables.

Loud People inconsiderate

I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect. For I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots!

Guilt Sex idiocy Madison Square Garden Respect

People don't turn down money! It's what separates us from the animals.

Greed Money humanity

You may think you're an idiot, but with all due respect—I’m a much bigger idiot than you are.

idiocy Competition

You know the way I am—rarely ever thinking of myself. My only concern is the welfare and happiness of those close to me. Sure, it hurts sometimes—to give, and give, and give.

selfishness Generosity Happiness

I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham!

lying

From “The Nose Job”

Audrey: It’s amazing how many beautiful women live in New York. I actually find it kind of intimidating. Kramer: Well, you’re just as pretty as any of them. You just need a nose job.

Nose Job New York Bluntless Too Honest

The technical term for a nose job is rhinoplasty. Rhino, okay? Do we really need to insult the person at this particular moment of their lives? They know they have a big nose, that's why they're coming in. Do they really need the abuse of being compared to a rhinoceros on top of everything else?…

Rhinoplasty Nose Jobs Baldness Insensitivity

Look at you! Look at what you've sunk to! Look at what you've become! Look in the mirror, ’cause you need help, Jerry. You need help, because I can't stand by and do it anymore. It's turning my stomach! I can't stand around here watching you destroy yourself. It's eating me up inside.

Pity Despair Hitting Bottom

I have never been so repulsed by someone mentally and so attracted to them physically at the same time. It's like my brain is facing my penis in a chess game. And I'm letting him win.

beauty repulsion stupidity Chess penis

I mean, I should be grateful someone like her even looks at me. I have no job, nothing. But I have to say, I think about the nose. I don't want to think about the nose. I don't ask to think about the nose, but I think about it. I go to bed at night, I tell myself, ‘Don't think about the nose, forget…

Rhinoplasty Big Noses

From “The Good Samaritan”

He's finished! I'm going to sew his ass to his face! I'm going to twist his neck so hard his lips will be his eyebrows! I'm going to break his joints and reattach them.

Threats Violence

I don't think I'm special. My mother always said I'm not special.

Special Not Special Self-deprecation

From “The Virgin”

Listen, I wouldn't put too much stock into what Elaine has to say about relationships. She comes from a broken home, and I mean that literally. A tree fell on her roof and cracked the whole structure. Her parents got along beautifully, but her house was in bad shape.

Broken Homes

This whole sex thing is totally overrated. Now, here's the one thing you've gotta be ready for is how the man changes into a completely different person five seconds after it's over. I mean, something happens to their personality; it's really quite astounding. It's like they committed a crime and…

Sex Virginity cuddling

Yeah, since she met him she's been vomited on, her family cabin's been burned down, she learned her father's a homosexual, and she got fired from a high-paying network job. Yeah, they had a real good thing going.

Bad Luck Outing Sarcasm

You know, they always remember the first time. I don't want to be remembered. I wanna be forgotten.

Virginity first time Being Forgotten

Would you believe my luck? The first time in my life I have a good answer to the question, ‘What do you do?’ and I have a girlfriend. I mean, you don't need a girlfriend when you can answer that question. That's what you say in order to get girlfriends. Once you can get a girlfriend, you don't want…

girlfriends status Employment

From “The Visa”

You bad man! You very bad man!

Bad Bad Man Very Bad Man Very Bad Bad Evil Man

I am for open immigration but that sign we have on the front of the Statue of Liberty, ‘Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses...,’ can't we just say, ‘Hey, the door's open, we'll take whoever you got’? Do we have to specify the wretched refuse? I mean, why don't we just say, ‘Give us…

Immigration Statue of Liberty Ellis Island Emma Lazarus

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