“If you've got a crummy day coming up tomorrow, you just remind yourself that, "Atleast I'm not in jail like Bernie Madoff."”— Joe Pera, youtube.com
“Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.”— Mélanie Berliet, thoughtcatalog.com
“A True Story about me is that I once threw a McDonald's McFlurry out a car window because I decided I didn't deserve it.”— Tyler McCall, twitter.com
“You’re not supposed to talk about suicide. You should be able to talk about it! The whole world is made of people who DIDN’T kill themselves today... life can get very difficult, very sad, very upsetting, but you don’t have to do it. You really don’t have to do it ... because you can kill yourself.”— Louis CK, theatlantic.com
“I realized recently I'm old enough to side with all the mean bosses and parents in the rock videos from the 80s.”— Jeremy Dodd, twitter.com
“Orgasms are like the price of heels at Balenciaga. If you have to ask, get the fuck out.”— Sarah Nicole Prickett, thoughtcatalog.com
“[THIS TWEET PAID FOR BY THE FLAT EARTH SOCIETY] Wow, the earth sure is flat today.”— Night Vale podcast, twitter.com
“Not that smart. Not that hot. Not that nice. Not that funny. That's me: I'm not that.”— John Green, amazon.com
“Rose, he left me 38 years later for a stewardess that he met on a business trip to Hawaii. It was her first flight. They said, 'On arrival, give the passengers a lei.' She got confused, he got lucky, and they now live on Maui.”— Susan Harris, Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak, Bea Arthur, imdb.com
“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”— Arthur C. Clarke, clarkefoundation.org
“Although I hate myself with erotic passion I somehow, like, believe I'm better than everyone.”— News for Poets, twitter.com