Quotes tagged ‘Funny’

“I finally got 8 hours of sleep. It only took me 4 days.”

— Unknown, reddit.com

“Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter? I’m not telling you. You might spread it!”

— Maria Monrovia, thoughtcatalog.com

“What did Taylor Swift say to the melon? Look what you made me dew!”

— Maria Monrovia, thoughtcatalog.com

“What do you say to a herb that’s running late? It’s about thyme!”

— Maria Monrovia, thoughtcatalog.com

“Carl Fredricksen: This is crazy. I finally meet my childhood hero and he's trying to kill us. What a joke. Dug: Hey, I know a joke! A squirrel walks up to a tree and says, 'I forgot to store acorns for the winter and now I am dead.' Ha! It is funny because the squirrel gets dead.”

— Bob Peterson, Pete Docter, Tom McCarthy, Carl Fredricksen (voice), Ed Asner, imdb.com

“What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.”

— Juliet Lanka, thoughtcatalog.com

“My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.”

— Juliet Lanka, thoughtcatalog.com

“What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married? Feyonce.”

— Juliet Lanka, thoughtcatalog.com

“What is Beethoven doing now? De-composing.”

— Juliet Lanka, thoughtcatalog.com

“Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV? Too much sax and violins.”

— Juliet Lanka, thoughtcatalog.com

“I mean, you weren’t at all funny in school. I mean, I never spoke to you. But you didn’t look funny. I mean, you looked funny, but you didn’t look funny.”

— Josh Widdicombe, Tom Craine, Lily, Jean Louise O'Sullivan, imdb.com

“You just got low winter sun'd, fucko.”

— Chris Mundy, Raphael Jackson Jr., Damione Macedon, Frank Agnew, Mark Strong, imdb.com

“Chase: Why does everybody always assume Alex has a plan? Maybe someone else has a plan. Alex: Good. Go ahead. Chase: Oh. That was just hypothetically.”

— Kalinda Vazquez, Chase Stein, Gregg Sulkin, imdb.com

“Jas Mitra: I like her. She's... she smart, the way she talks, she sounds like my father. That funny? Marcus: Your father gave up a civil servant job to help liberate the poor, she's fighting to speak French instead English. That's not much of an objective.”

— John Ridley, Marcus, Babou Ceesay, imdb.com

“Billie: This may sound a little nuts, but I'm thinking of going home with a guy who may be significantly younger than I am, and I need to know if the situation is desperate or empowering. Olivia: Is he over eighteen? Billie: Yup. Olivia: Empowering!”

— Claudia Lonow, Billie, Jenna Elfman, imdb.com

“Jack: Oh, hey, Esther. How you doing? Esther: Ugh, I got in a fight last night. But on the upside, the tooth fairy came.”

— Craig Doyle, Ashley Jack Gordon, Joel Mchale, imdb.com

“Jessica Jones: If you'd told me a week ago that I'd be here, with you two, about to blow up some building and fight ninjas to save New York... Matt Murdock: For whatever it's worth, I'm glad you're here. Jessica Jones: What? Matt Murdock: No, the circumstances could be better. I'm just saying, y'kno…”

— Marco Ramirez, Lauren Schmidt, Matt Murdock / Daredevil, Charlie Cox, imdb.com

“Okay, you are the most full of shit lawyer I've ever met, and I think we should stop and appreciate the magnitude of that statement.”

— Douglas Petrie, Lauren Schmidt, Jessica Jones, Krysten Ritter, imdb.com

“Esther: I don't even need to do laundry anymore. Dean: Yeah, I don't do laundry either. Esther: That's crazy, I don't do it either. Dean: I know, you said that, and then that's why I said what I said. Esther: Uh huh.”

— Caroline Goldfarb, Esther, Esther Povitsky, imdb.com

“Tandy Bowen: Hey, I think my Dad used to drink this. Rick: Used to? What, is he in AA or something? Tandy Bowen: No, he's at the bottom of Lake Borgne.”

— Joe Pokaski, Tandy Bowen / Dagger, Olivia Holt, imdb.com