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Quotes tagged ‘humor’

(1220 total)

If lately you ever find the world wildly depressing, just remember that we also live in a world where you can put cold pasta in a bowl, cover it with dressing, and call it a salad.

— Jewel Staite, twitter.com

But this conundrum remains: I want the protection and love of a man while maintaining my own alpha qualities. And I will never again hide or play down my success to appease anyone, especially not my partner.

— Shannon Lell, washingtonpost.com

Yet men are still expected to be protectors and providers. I’ll admit that I benefit from this dynamic. I love that men want to defend the ones they love with strength and fierce determination. I go weak in the knees when a man I’m seeing comes to rescue me from a broken pipe or possessed electronic…

— Shannon Lell, washingtonpost.com

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who use the word "tummy" and people who don't.

— Maggie Stiefvater, twitter.com

The salvation of the world depends on the men who will not take evil good-humouredly, and whose laughter destroys the fool instead of encouraging him.

— George Bernard Shaw, amazon.com

There's nothing more fashion-forward than being the fucking boss.

— Gabourey Sidibe, amazon.com

I was basically the perfect candidate for DBT even though my actual diagnosis was only depression with a bit of an eating disorder. (I say "only" and "a bit" like this wasn't absolutely ruining my life. I was going to die. LOL.)

— Gabourey Sidibe, amazon.com

[coldest day of the year] 5-year-old: You made her mad. Me: Who? 5: Elsa. My bad.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

5-year-old: I closed my eyes last night and now it's morning. Me: That happens. 5: I think I can time travel.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

5-year-old: Knock knock. Me: Who's there? 5: Me. Me: That's not a good joke. 5: Neither are yours.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

Me: We can't go out. The roads are bad. 5-year-old: What did they do wrong?

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

[listening to the GPS voice in the car] 5-year-old: How does she know where to go? 7-year-old: Women always know.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

3-year-old: *screams* Me: What's wrong? 3: Pants. Pants indeed.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

Should I just go in the kitchen and cut my dick off?

— Margaret Atwood, Bruce Miller, Luke Bankole, O.T. Fagbenle, imdb.com

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.

— Jim Henson, goodreads.com

I am willing to acknowledge other points of view...while making clear that they're wrong.

— Roxane Gay, youtube.com

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant

— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.org

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

— Daniel Tosh, amazon.com

A golden shower and Kite Runner reference in the same joke? Almost impossible! Almost impossible! I pull it off, because I care.

— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.org

I can say that. I have a television show.

— Daniel Tosh, amazon.com

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