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Quotes tagged ‘humor’

(1220 total)

If any of you cross me, I'm gonna kick the testicles clean off your bodies! Clean off! You'll look like Ken dolls down there!

— Jessica Day, netflix.com

You're dating a stripper, I'm dating a tall handsome doctor. We're kinda living the dream.

— Jessica Day, netflix.com

You question my pajamas? You make me question our entire friendship!

— Jessica Day, netflix.com

Life's messy. It kicks you in the ass. That's right, I said ass.

— Jessica Day, netflix.com

Do not challenge me to a sex stand-off. I can channel all of my sexual energy into knitting. How do you think I made it through high school?

— Jessica Day, netflix.com

Have you seen a girl who looks like me, but with chaos in her eyes?

— Jessica Day, netflix.com

I know I'm gullible because a lot of people tell me that and I have no reason not to believe them.

— Jessica Day, netflix.com

I'm sorry for my friend objectifying you, but in her defense, you are fine as hell.

— Jessica Day, netflix.com

I’m gonna end up alone. I’m gonna be a single old lady, flashing people on the subway.

— Jessica Day, netflix.com

My boobs are loving this unemployed thing. They don’t have to go to boob jail every day.

— Jessica Day, netflix.com

Well, I guess I can’t hide my crazy.

— Jessica Day, netflix.com

I just wanted to listen to Taylor Swift alone.

— Jessica Day, netflix.com

I brake for birds. I rock a lot of polka dots. I have touched glitter in the last 24 hours. I spend my entire day talking to children. And I find it fundamentally strange that you’re not a dessert person. It freaks me out.

— Jessica Day, netflix.com

I’m only attracted to guys who are afraid of success and think someone famous stole their idea.

— Jessica Day, netflix.com

I feel like I wanna murder someone and also I want soft pretzels.

— Jessica Day, netflix.com

I'm just saying when tragedy strikes, we have to look on the bright side. You know? Like how even used Mercedes still have leather seats.

— Cordelia Chase, amazon.com

Now we play the waiting game…Ahh, the waiting game sucks. Let’s play Hungry Hungry Hippos!

— Matt Groening, Homer Simpson, amazon.com

I’d rather let a thousand guilty men go free than chase after them.

— Matt Groening, Chief Wiggum, amazon.com

Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.

— Paul Terry, pinterest.com

Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait…wait. I worry what you just heard was: Give me a lot of bacon and eggs. What I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?

— Ron Swanson, amazon.com

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