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Quotes tagged ‘humor’

(1220 total)

I have never taken the high road. But I tell other people to ‘cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.

Time is money; Money is power; Power is pizza; Pizza is knowledge. Let’s go!

— Amy Poehler, Michael Schur, April Ludgate, Aubrey Plaza, imdb.com

Then I’m sure he’s not cheating on you. But if he is, he’s a monster. And if he’s not, you guys are great together. But if he is, I will kill him.

— Leslie Knope, amazon.com

Emojis are little cartoons you text instead of words. Instead of saying, ‘What up, boo?’ you can type ‘What up’ and then a cute little ghost because that means boo. There’s even a little Indian guy, but he has a turban on, which I think is racist. But the Asian guy also has a racist hat on. And it’s…

— Tom Haverford, amazon.com

Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.

— Ron Swanson, amazon.com

I’ll have a glass of your most expensive red wine mixed with a glass of your cheapest white wine served in a dog bowl. Silly straws all around, please.

— April Ludgate, amazon.com

April is the best. But she’s 20. When April was born, I was already in the third grade, which means if we were friends back then, I would have been hanging out with a baby. I don’t know anything about infant care. My god, I could have killed her.

— Andy Dwyer, amazon.com

One time when I was in high school, a guy’s mom called me and broke up with me for him. There was another time where I was on a date, and I tripped and broke my kneecap, and the guy said he wasn’t ‘feeling it,’ so he left and I waited for an ambulance. One time I was dating this guy for a while, and…

— Leslie Knope, amazon.com

I have a resting heart rate of 23 beats per minute. The scientists who study me say my heart can pump jet fuel up into an airplane.

— Chris Traeger, amazon.com

Zerts are what I call desserts. Tray-trays are entrées. I call sandwiches ‘sammies,’ ‘sandoozles,’ or ‘Adam Sandlers.’ Air conditioners are ‘cool blasterz.’ I call cakes ‘big ol’ cookies.’ I call noodles ‘long-ass rice.’ Fried chicken is ‘fry-fry chicky-chick.’ Chicken parm is ‘chicky-chicky-parm-pa…

— Tom Haverford, amazon.com

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.

— Ron Swanson, amazon.com

Guys love it when you can show them you’re better than they are at something they love.

— Leslie Knope, amazon.com

I mean, that’s why people respect Hillary Clinton so much, because nobody takes a punch like her. She’s the strongest, smartest punching bag in the world.

— Leslie Knope, amazon.com

Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless.

— Ron Swanson, amazon.com

Just remember, every time you look up at the moon, I, too, will be looking at a moon. Not the same moon, obviously. That’s impossible.

— Andy Dwyer, amazon.com

I’m allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 sushis I barf.

— Andy Dwyer, amazon.com

Goodbye, Ann Perkins, my faithful employee. Hello, Ann Perkins, my fallopian princess.

— Chris Traeger, amazon.com

The air is so fresh. It’s disgusting.

— April Ludgate, amazon.com

Pawnee is the fourth-most obese city in America. The kids here are beefy. They’re just husky, big-boned, chunk monsters. I call them like I see them.

— Anne Perkins, amazon.com

Treat yo self.

— Tom Haverford, Donna Meagle, amazon.com

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