“"How bout this one right. All you need for this is a pair of gloves Just take your gloves, right And go down to the bank. Get behind all the people in the bank Give the person in front of you a little nudge, just a little nudge Wait till they turn around, and when they turn around Start putting on t…”— Dane Cook, genius.com
“If lately you ever find the world wildly depressing, just remember that we also live in a world where you can put cold pasta in a bowl, cover it with dressing, and call it a salad.”— Jewel Staite, twitter.com
“I need some new jokes for my deaf friend, Preferably some he hasn't heard before.”— MentalG66-UnionJack, reddit.com
“A golden shower and Kite Runner reference in the same joke? Almost impossible! Almost impossible! I pull it off, because I care.”— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.org
“Thank you … San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you … for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.”— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.org
“You know who LOVES to get fisted? Sock puppets. That joke is adorable!”— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.org
“Hey! I was going to tell you a belt joke but... I didn't want to waist your time.”— burnedupwaffle, reddit.com
“5-year-old: Every time I learn something new, I forget something old. Me: What do you forget? 5: I don't remember.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“My friend asked me why I make so many sperm jokes. I said, "I don't know I guess they just come naturally to me.”— Loaficious, reddit.com
“Never tell your friend a good joke while he's driving... You could be charged with vehicular manslaughter.”— RainbowUnicorns, reddit.com
“I joked about how bad our apartment building's foundation was. Even the walls started cracking up.”— user7526, reddit.com
“I’ll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.”— Kanye West, telegraph.co.uk