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Quotes tagged ‘joke’

(331 total)

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punch line becomes apparent.

"How bout this one right. All you need for this is a pair of gloves Just take your gloves, right And go down to the bank. Get behind all the people in the bank Give the person in front of you a little nudge, just a little nudge Wait till they turn around, and when they turn around Start putting on t…

— Dane Cook, genius.com

If lately you ever find the world wildly depressing, just remember that we also live in a world where you can put cold pasta in a bowl, cover it with dressing, and call it a salad.

— Jewel Staite, twitter.com

I need some new jokes for my deaf friend, Preferably some he hasn't heard before.

— MentalG66-UnionJack, reddit.com

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

— Daniel Tosh, amazon.com

A golden shower and Kite Runner reference in the same joke? Almost impossible! Almost impossible! I pull it off, because I care.

— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.org

Thank you … San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you … for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.org

You know who LOVES to get fisted? Sock puppets. That joke is adorable!

— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.org

Hey! I was going to tell you a belt joke but... I didn't want to waist your time.

— burnedupwaffle, reddit.com

I have lots of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

— Freighttrain_WTF, reddit.com

5-year-old: Every time I learn something new, I forget something old. Me: What do you forget? 5: I don't remember.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

Wanna hear a joke about cutting onions? It'll have you in tears.

— SuperStryker7, reddit.com

My friend asked me why I make so many sperm jokes. I said, "I don't know I guess they just come naturally to me.

— Loaficious, reddit.com

I tried to write a boxing joke, Then the punchline hit me

— jeffydahmor, reddit.com

Never tell your friend a good joke while he's driving... You could be charged with vehicular manslaughter.

— RainbowUnicorns, reddit.com

I would tell a joke about steak... But it's never well done.

— CloudyLeo, reddit.com

I know a communism joke But it's only funny if EVERYONE gets it.

— KiantheKid, reddit.com

I’ve gotten really hot since you went blind.

— John Green, amazon.com

I joked about how bad our apartment building's foundation was. Even the walls started cracking up.

— user7526, reddit.com

I’ll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.

— Kanye West, telegraph.co.uk

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