“Jason: We love each other. She makes the bass drop in my heart. Janet: And Jason is a person who was near me, and then he asked me to marry him, and there is nothing in my protocol that specifically barred that from happening. So I agreed. Jason: Love you too, babe.”— Andrew Law, Janet, D'Arcy Carden, imdb.com
“Trevor: Oh, yeah, we're not negotiating. See, Fake Eleanor and I, we bro-ed down pretty hard last night. We hooked up. Eleanor: No, we didn't. Trevor: Yeah, but who are they gonna believe... me or a woman?”— Jen Statsky, Trevor , Adam Scott, imdb.com
“Michael: Did you ever take off your shoes and socks on a commercial airline? Eleanor: And socks? Ew, who would do that? Michael: People who go to the Bad Place, Eleanor, that's the point. And unless I can figure out a compelling reason to keep you here, you will spend eternity with murderers, and ar…”— Daniel Schofield, Michael, Ted Danson, imdb.com
“Eleanor: Listen, man, I'm dead, you're dead, we all died, and now we're killing her. Pay it forward. Chidi: Uh, no, that's not what that means at all.”— Megan Amram, Eleanor Shellstrop, Kristen Bell, imdb.com
“Michael: So to prepare to meet all of you, I studied the human concept of friends. I even watched all ten seasons of the show 'Friends'. Boy, those friends really were friends, weren't they? Although — and I realize this is the kind of observation that would only occur to the mind of an eternal bein…”— Dylan Morgan, Josh Siegal, Michael, Ted Danson, imdb.com
“When I told a boyfriend something was 'no big deal,' it meant anything from 'I just bought weed from your nephew,' to 'I secretly befriended your ex-girlfriend last year, things got out of hand, and now I'm her bridesmaid.'”— Matt Murray, Eleanor Shellstrop, Kristen Bell, imdb.com
“Tahani: I knew tonight was going to be perfect, but now it's going to be even perfect-er. Obviously, it's impossible for something to be more perfect than perfect. Michael: Well, it isn't, actually. Any place or thing in the universe can be up to 104% perfect. That's how you got Beyoncé.”— Joe Mande, Michael, Ted Danson, imdb.com
“Chidi: You are too selfish to ever be a good person. Eleanor: Well, I think you're wrong. Chidi: What country am I from, again? Eleanor: Sensodyne. Chidi: That is a brand of toothpaste.”— Alan Yang, Eleanor Shellstrop, Kristen Bell, imdb.com
“Eleanor: I mean, somebody royally forked up. Somebody forked up. Why can't I say 'fork'? Chidi: If you're trying to curse, you can't here. I guess a lot of people in this neighborhood don't like it, so it's prohibited. Eleanor: That's bullshirt.”— Michael Schur, Eleanor Shellstrop, Kristen Bell, imdb.com
“My name is Shwan. This is my partner, Scoony 'U-Turn' Singleton”— Saladin K. Patterson, Shawn Spencer, James Roday, imdb.com
“'I'm so confused I don't know what's happening right now': title of your sex tape.”— Michael Schur, Daniel J. Goor, Jake Peralta, Andy Samberg, imdb.com
“Will you remember me in a month? Yes. Will you remember me in a week? Yes. Knock knock. Who's there? See, you forgot me already.”— Eric Alper, twitter.com
“It feels like all the new songs on Apple Music are either Kanye or Post Malone. This has to be one of the circles of hell.”— Samuel Sinyangwe, twitter.com
“I’m the only one who had to do the perp walk. I’m going to have to figure my way out of this and I’m going to have to do it one joke at a time.”— Kathy Griffin, theguardian.com
“The most important writing tip is that it's very important that u wear a hat when u write because that way the ideas won't fly away!!!”— Jonny Sun, twitter.com
“Productivity Tip!!! 1. write down everything you want to do today 2. only one of those will get done 3. choose one item 4. it won't be that one”— Jonny Sun, twitter.com
“I once called Carter a chicken fried McGovern and I take that back because I've come to respect McGovern.”— Bob Dole, amazon.com
“Two clowns are eating a cannibal... One turns to the other and says, "Um, I think we got this joke wrong."”— wackoclown, reddit.com