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Quotes tagged ‘joke’

(331 total)

You're selling ass. You're not selling cookies!

— Erika Jayne, imdb.com

Waiting is, uh, my favorite color.

— Ryan Reynolds, imdb.com

Hold on, are you a sheep named Usher? Because you got it, you got it 'baaahd.'

— Nick Kroll, Emmy the Lovebug (voice), Aidy Bryant, imdb.com

Excuse me while I go find a container for my joy.

— Kate Boutilier, Debbie Thornberry, Danielle Harris, imdb.com

Anyway, there are two types of guys in this world -- one guy who makes a detailed calendar of everything they're gonna do for the next five years of their life, and then the other guy, who draws weird penises on said calendar just to piss calendar guy off.

— David Caspe, Max Blum, Adam Pally, imdb.com

I never joke about money.

— J. F. Lawton, Vivian Ward, Julia Roberts, imdb.com

Playing fair is a joke invented by rich people to keep the rest of us poor.

— J. Blakeson, Marla Grayson, Rosamund Pike, imdb.com

Nick Kroll and Big Mouth co-creator Andrew Goldberg are joined by the cast of Big Mouth for a live table read from Season 3, Episode 6 'How To Have An Orgasm.'

— Netflix is a Joke, youtube.com

Mick: That woman is a real 'see you next Tuesday.’ Ben: What happens on Tuesday? Mick: Tacos.

— Dave Chernin, John Chernin, Machenzie 'Micky' Murphy, Kaitlin Olson, imdb.com

You know, what do leprechauns and guys with big dicks have in common? They’re hard to find and incredibly lucky.

— Amy Sherman-Palladino, Miriam “Midge” Maisel, Rachel Brosnahan, imdb.com

His dick was so big, it wasn’t a dick at all. It was a Richard.

— Amy Sherman-Palladino, Miriam “Midge” Maisel, Rachel Brosnahan, imdb.com

Jimmy Hoffa: Who's gonna be there? Frank Sheeran: Everybody. Jimmy Hoffa: Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, and Tony, huh?

— Steven Zaillian, Jimmy Hoffa, Al Pacino, imdb.com

You love fast cars. In what other ways is your penis small?

— Zach Galifianakis, Scott Aukerman, Himself, Zach Galifianakis, imdb.com

Roger Dorn: [shouting] Don’t fuck with me, Vaughn. Rick Vaughn: Yeah? [shouting] Fuck you. Roger Dorn: What’s the matter, rookie Fuck-Wad? Can’t you take a little joke? Rick Vaughn: Real fucking funny, asshole. Lou Brown: All right—[shouting]—All right! Knock that shit off. Roger Dorn: Lou, you bett…

— David S. Ward, Rick 'Wild Thing' Vaughn, Charlie Sheen, imdb.com

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

— Conan O'Brien, thoughtcatalog.com

This isn't a game.

— Mark Duplass, Ralph, Ethan Kent, imdb.com

You know what they say about Harleys and hemorrhoids? Sooner or later every asshole gets one.

— Liz Doran, Thomas Ward, Josh Thomas, Alan, David Roberts, imdb.com

Does anyone have any Q-tips? Because I can't believe what I'm hearing.

— John Mulaney, Bill Hader, Don Lentile, Fred Armisen, imdb.com

A man walks into a coffee shop. But it’s not a joke. I bought coffee there last summer. Small, with milk. It’s never a joke to walk in or out of a shop unharmed. It’s easy to forget you aren’t a person being shot at. I’m not. I wasn’t, though I was there, last summer. Not-shot-at and I never knew it…

— Lia Purpura, apmpodcasts.org

Because words dazzle in the dizzy light of things and the soul is like an animal–hunted and slow– this buffalo walks through me every night as if I was some kind of prairie and hunkers against the cold dark, snorting under the stars while the fog of its breathing rises in the air, and it is the lone…

— Steve Scafidi, apmpodcasts.org

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