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Quotes tagged ‘joke’

(331 total)

Matt: She named the baby after Grandma. Simon: She named the baby 'Grandma'? Matt: Her name was Jenny, Simon. Simon: Oh. I had no idea.

— Molly Newman, Simon Camden, David Gallagher, imdb.com

Eric: So you took up plumbing when we were pregnant with Simon? Annie: No, electrical and plumbing was Mary, Simon was ethnic cooking.

— Brenda Hampton, Annie Camden, Catherine Hicks, imdb.com

I am a horny engineer; I never joke about math or sex.

— David Goetsch, Howard Wolowitz, Simon Helberg, imdb.com

I have my secret recipe: takeout.

— Josh Schwartz, Kirsten Cohen, Kelly Rowan, imdb.com

Kirsten: She looks good. Her spirits are high. Caleb: She's high? Kirsten: No, her spirit. Her mood. She's up. Caleb: So, she's on uppers?

— Erica Messer, Debra J. Fisher, Kirsten Cohen, Kelly Rowan, imdb.com

Hailey: You guys are, like... married. Kirsten: Yeah, that was the idea. When we had our wedding. Hailey: No, I mean... deeply, deeply married.

— Josh Schwartz, Kirsten Cohen, Kelly Rowan, imdb.com

Ryan: You'd better pray for a Chrimukkah miracle. Seth: I've got Jesus and Moses on my side, man.

— Stephanie Savage, Seth Cohen, Adam Brody, imdb.com

Luke: Maybe I can just blow the whole thing off, go hit the beach, give everybody time to get it out of their systems. Ryan: It doesn't work like that. It's been months and I'm still the kid from Chino that burned a house down. Marissa: And I'm still the girl who tried to kill herself in Mexico. Set…

— Allan Heinberg, Josh Schwartz, Seth Cohen, Adam Brody, imdb.com

Sandy: And you're going to yogalates. Kirsten: You just like saying that. Sandy: Yogalates? Yeah, I kinda do. Yogalates? Ryan: Yogalates.

— Allan Heinberg, Josh Schwartz, Sandy Cohen, Peter Gallagher, imdb.com

Do you know what I dream about when I dream about Thanksgiving, which is a lot? I dream that I eat so much deliciousness that all the blood rushes to my stomach and I pass out right at the table. Please do not deny me that.

— Brian Oh, Josh Schwartz, Seth Cohen, Adam Brody, imdb.com

Seth: So when you lost your virginity, I was playing 'Magic: the Gathering.' Ryan: You still play Magic. Seth: Yeah, but not as much.

— Allan Heinberg, Seth Cohen, Adam Brody, imdb.com

The master race has been perfected, Ryan, and they all go to our school.

— Erica Messer, Debra J. Fisher, Seth Cohen, Adam Brody, imdb.com

Seth: Not now, Mom. I'm studying naked. Summer: Eww. Seth: Summer? Summer: What kind of family do you have, Cohen? Seth: The kind where mothers and sons always wear clothing. Even in the shower.

— Melissa Rosenberg, Allan Heinberg, Seth Cohen, Adam Brody, imdb.com

Seth: Comicon is basically a bunch of pathetic virgins ogling some porn star dressed as Catwoman. Ryan: I thought you said you went every year.

— Josh Schwartz, Ryan Atwood, Ben McKenzie, imdb.com

Seth: What happens in Mexico stays in Mexico. Ryan: What happens in Mexico? Seth: I don't know, because it stays there. That's why we must go!

— Josh Schwartz, Seth Cohen, Adam Brody, imdb.com

Seth: Is it twisted if I find my potential grandma really hot? Ryan: Not when she looks like that.

— Erica Messer, Debra J. Fisher, Josh Schwartz, Seth Cohen, Adam Brody, imdb.com

Kirsten: Maybe you guys can make peace this weekend. Sandy: Okay. Oh, no, no wait. I can't. Kirsten: Why? Sandy: I'm still Jewish. Just gettin' it out of my system. I promise. Kirsten: I wonder what his new girlfriend's like. Sandy: I am sure she is very well paid. And on fire.

— Erica Messer, Debra J. Fisher, Josh Schwartz, Sandy Cohen, Peter Gallagher, imdb.com

It turns out that I'm quite skilled at getting a date, provided it's not for me.

— Melissa Rosenberg, Seth Cohen, Adam Brody, imdb.com

Jimmy: You know how long it's been since I had steak? I live with three vegetarians. Sandy: You know how long it's been since we had beer in the house? I am so sick of chardonnay and merlot.

— Melissa Rosenberg, Sandy Cohen, Peter Gallagher, imdb.com

Ryan: It's kind of a shady neighborhood. It's pretty hardcore up there. Seth: Dude, it's Long Beach, not Chechnya.

— Melissa Rosenberg, Seth Cohen, Adam Brody, imdb.com

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