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Quotes tagged ‘joke’

(331 total)

My dreams are a cruel joke. They taunt me. Even in my dreams I'm an idiot... who knows he's about to wake up to reality. If I could only avoid sleep. But I can't. I try to tell myself what to dream. I try to dream that I am flying. Something free. It never works...

— Cameron Crowe, David Aames, Tom Cruise, imdb.com

Carl Fredricksen: This is crazy. I finally meet my childhood hero and he's trying to kill us. What a joke. Dug: Hey, I know a joke! A squirrel walks up to a tree and says, 'I forgot to store acorns for the winter and now I am dead.' Ha! It is funny because the squirrel gets dead.

— Bob Peterson, Pete Docter, Tom McCarthy, Carl Fredricksen (voice), Ed Asner, imdb.com

If my hands were a lie I'd lie to you while we laid upon the bed we made. If my lips were a joke I fooled you and broke, every touch is a lie and a good feels like goodbye.

— Carlie Hanson, open.spotify.com

Pam Beesly: Did you send Dwight on a quest for the Holy Grail? Jim Halpert: I think I'm a little too busy these days to s— Oh, my God. I did send Dwight on a quest for the Holy Grail.

— Bryan Cranston, Jim Halpert, John Krasinski, imdb.com

At first I drove myself crazy thinking about the things I should have done differently. I never should have played that joke on Erin. I never should have hollowed out this damn pumpkin in the first place. Then I realized that I was being silly. I mean the pumpkin should rot off of my head in a month…

— Bryan Cranston, Dwight Schrute, Rainn Wilson, imdb.com

Deangelo Vickers: Dwight. What's your take? Dwight Schrute: What's the argument here? NBA, WMBA. One is a sport, one is a joke. I love sports, I love jokes. Room for all. Deangelo Vickers: Man, you're smart!

— Charlie Grandy, Dwight Schrute, Rainn Wilson, imdb.com

Brisco County Jr.: Which one of you is Aristotle Poole? Socrates Poole: That's Socrates Poole. Brisco County Jr.: Oh, sorry. I guess that's a common mistake. Socrates Poole: Not at all. Brisco County Jr.: Well, it is if you flunked Greek philosophy two years in a row.

— David Simkins, Carlton Cuse, Brisco County, Jr., Bruce Campbell, imdb.com

Private Foreskin at your cervix!

— John Ridley, Yinka, Gbenga Akinnagbe, imdb.com

Jack: Oh, hey, Esther. How you doing? Esther: Ugh, I got in a fight last night. But on the upside, the tooth fairy came.

— Craig Doyle, Ashley Jack Gordon, Joel Mchale, imdb.com

[jokingly, whispering to rose as she lies on top of floating door] I don't know about you, but I intend to write a strongly worded letter to the White Star Line about all of this.

— James Cameron, Jack Dawson, Leonardo Dicaprio, imdb.com

What the fuck you looking at? Come on. Make that coffee to go. Let's go. [Frankie mumbles something and goes to the door with the coffee pot in his hand] What the fuck are you doing? It's a joke! A joke! Put the fucking pot down!

— Nicholas Pileggi, Martin Scorsese, Tommy DeVito, Joe Pesci, imdb.com

People hide things from one another. They lie, they joke, they tell you what they think you want to hear.

— Joshua Safran, Miranda Shaw, Aunjanue Ellis, imdb.com

Issa: Trying to fuck is hard. Molly: No it's not. It's like riding a bike. Issa: Yeah, I don't know how to do that either.

— Dayna Lynne North, Issa Dee, Issa Rae, imdb.com

Granted, having sex with me isn't amazing, but it's like, 'Huh... Okay. Yeah, I'm satisfied. I'd do that again.'

— Regina Y. Hicks, Ben Cory Jones, Issa Dee, Issa Rae, imdb.com

Molly: One day I looked up and my dick meter was all the way on E. Issa: Join the club, bitch. Dick on E, bank account on E. Life on E.

— Issa Rae, Issa Dee, Issa Rae, imdb.com

Tiffany: I taste stone fruit. Molly: And a little bit of pepper. Issa: I taste wine.

— Issa Rae, Issa Dee, Issa Rae, imdb.com

Well, it isn’t a homecoming until someone calls you a puta, right?

— Tanya Saracho, Lyn, Melissa Barrera, imdb.com

Friend: Let's go somewhere else. Eddy: Where? You know I don't like places!

— Evangeline Ordaz, Nancy C. Mejia, Eddy, Ser Anzoategui, imdb.com

Lyn: I knew it. Emma: Okay. Lyn: I totally knew it. Emma: Then why didn't you say anything? Lyn: Why didn't you say anything? Emma: When do we ever say anything? Lyn: God, that's so true. That's sad, we should say stuff.

— Evangeline Ordaz, Nancy C. Mejia, Lyn, Melissa Barrera, imdb.com

Debbie: These are allergies. Annie: And what are you allergic to, Mom? Debbie: Senior year.

— Jennie Snyder Urman, Debbie Wilson, Lori Loughlin, imdb.com

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