“I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper—dicing with death.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I’d like to start with the chimney jokes—I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“I don't really like jokes. I don't think they're funny.”— Bob Nickman, Bill Haverchuck, Martin Starr, imdb.com
“Race jokes are kind of like orcas: powerful and entertaining, but you put them on display in the wrong environment and people are going to get hurt, and the joke might die. Like this one just did.”— Trevor Noah, en.wikiquote.org
“I’m remarkably proud of the ideas and everything we’ve had to say. The jokes are always on the characters themselves, but I do get upset about little things like camera angles when I watch the old episodes.”— Danny DeVito, cinemablend.com
“Come on, I'll give you a ride to your job interview. All's you got to do is open up your Uber app and request me.”— Bruce Rasmussen, Roseanne Conner, Roseanne Barr, imdb.com
“Why was the broom late for the meeting? It overswept.”— Sheila Callaghan, Frank Gallagher, William H. Macy, imdb.com
“A guy walks up to a woman at a bar. He flirts with her. He makes small talk, but the woman insists she isn't gonna go home with him. Guy says, ‘What if I offer you $1 million to sleep with me?’ The woman's never had a million dollars in her life. She stops and considers the offer very seriously. The…”— Sam Esmail, Antara Nayar, Sakina Jaffrey, imdb.com
“A policeman pulled over a man, and he said to him, 'Sir, your eyes look bloodshot. Have you been drinking?' And that man replied, 'Officer, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating donuts?'”— Sharon Lee Watson, Derek Morgan, Shemar Moore, imdb.com
“[first date] HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs? ME: *scanning the menu* I don't even see them on here. What page are you on?”— Floyd, twitter.com
“Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They'll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.”— Mindy Furano, twitter.com
“Sandy: I'm a squirrel. See? *Sandy points to an acorn.* SpongeBob: I thought that meant you were nuts.”— Jay Lender, William Reiss, David B. Fain, Spongebob Squarepants, Tom Kenny, imdb.com
“Everybody that's living in this earth is living in a situation. It's not narrow-minded to the point where everybody is serious and nobody has a personality. I think people die telling jokes.”— Mike Epps, successories.com
“Why don’t little girls fart? They don’t get assholes ’til they’re married.”— Unknown, thoughtcatalog.com