44 Sarcastic Dr. House Quotes That Will Satisfy Your Inner Cynic

“You talk to God, you're religious; God talks to you, you're psychotic.”

— Doris Egan, Dr. Gregory House, Hugh Laurie, amazon.com

“You want to know how two chemicals interact, do you ask them? No, they're going to lie through their lying little teeth. Throw them in a beaker and apply heat.”

— Matt Witten, Peter Blake, Dr. Gregory House, Hugh Laurie, amazon.com

“It's a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. The only variable is about what.”

— David Shore, Dr. Gregory House, Hugh Laurie, amazon.com

“Patient: Times changes everything. House: That's what people say. It's not true. Doing things changes things. Not doing things leaves things exactly as they were.”

— David Shore, Dr. Gregory House, Hugh Laurie, amazon.com

“If you wanted fair, you chose the wrong job, the wrong profession, the wrong species.”

— Sean Whitesell, Dr. Gregory House, Hugh Laurie, amazon.com

“There are three choices in this life: be good, get good, or give up.”

— Eli Attie, Dr. Gregory House, Hugh Laurie, amazon.com

“Figuring out who people are takes time. And it takes twice as much time if they're trying to impress you.”

— Doris Egan, Dr. Gregory House, Hugh Laurie, amazon.com

“There is not a thin line between love and hate. There is - in fact - a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every 20 feet between love and hate.”

— David Shore, Dr. Gregory House, Hugh Laurie, amazon.com

“It's normal to be screwed up, but it's really screwed up to romanticize it.”

— David Shore, Eli Attie, Dr. Gregory House, Hugh Laurie, amazon.com

“How come God gets credit whenever something good happens? Where was he when her heart stopped?”

— Lawrence Kaplow, Thomas L. Moran, Dr. Gregory House, Hugh Laurie, amazon.com

“Nobel invented dynamite, I won't accept his blood money.”

— David Foster, Dr. Gregory House, Hugh Laurie, amazon.com

“Love and happiness are nothing but distractions.”

— John C. Kelley, Dr. Gregory House, Hugh Laurie, amazon.com

“We were both wrong, not equally wrong. You were at least six more wronger than me.”

— Liz Friedman, Dr. Gregory House, Hugh Laurie, amazon.com

“Everything is conditional. We just don't know what the conditions are.”

— Doris Egan, Dr. Gregory House, Hugh Laurie, imdb.com

“You can have all the faith you want in spirits and the afterlife, heaven and hell, but when it comes to the world, don't be an idiot, because you can tell me that you put your faith in God to get through the day but when it comes time to cross the road, I know you look both ways.”

— Sara B. Cooper, Dr. Gregory House, Hugh Laurie, amazon.com

“There's no 'I' in team. There's a 'me' though, if you jumble it up.”

— David Foster, Dr. Gregory House, Hugh Laurie, amazon.com

“We formulate our questions based on the answers we want to hear.”

— Thomas L. Moran, Dr. Gregory House, Hugh Laurie, amazon.com

“Lies are like children: they're hard work, but it's worth it because the future depends on them.”

— Pam Davis, Dr. Gregory House, Hugh Laurie, amazon.com

“Jobs are not being destroyed they are being relocated. The fact that you see that as inherently bad means that you are an irrational patriot. To put it another way: a patriot.”

— Seth Hoffman, Dr. Gregory House, Hugh Laurie, amazon.com

“Religion is the placebo of the masses.”

— David Hoselton, Dr. Gregory House, Hugh Laurie, amazon.com

“If you can fake sincerity, you can fake pretty much anything.”

— John Mankiewicz, Lawrence Kaplow, Dr. Gregory House, Hugh Laurie, amazon.com

“If nobody hates you, you're doing something wrong.”

— Eli Attie, Dr. Gregory House, Hugh Laurie, amazon.com

“Our bodies break down, sometimes when we're ninety, sometimes before we're even boring, but it always happens and there's never any dignity in it. I don't care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass. It's always ugly. Always. You can live with dignity, we can't die with it.”

— David Shore, Dr. Gregory House, Hugh Laurie, amazon.com

“Either God doesn't exist or he's unimaginably cruel.”

— David Shore, Dr. Gregory House, Hugh Laurie, amazon.com

“If you're dying, suddenly everybody loves you.”

— Lawrence Kaplow, Dr. Gregory House, Hugh Laurie, amazon.com