“Roger: I once survived four days in a Del Taco parking lot extracting life-saving nutrients from puddles and bird shit. Steve: Why didn't you just go into the Del Taco? Roger: I'm a Taco Bell man.”Tagged: survivial, Tacos, Life Or death, Nutrients, Life saving
“Without the crisscross, I'm just some guy yelling 'applesauce.'”Tagged: Jump rope, Crisscross, Applesauce, kids games, Fun
“I was supposed to be on that bus, but there was a lady with a chicken on there. What is this, like, Guatemala? What the hell? Leave your bird at home, lady.”Tagged: bus, chicken, bird, Lady with bird, Guatemala
“I love myself all the time. At least once in the morning, and usually right before I go to sleep.”Tagged: Love, love myself, everyday, Evening, Morning
“Well suck me off through a hole and call me Rick Steves, what is this?”Tagged: Suck me off, Excitement, Rick Steves, curious
“It had been days since Hayley watched MasterChef Junior with me. I told her I'd wait for her, but I didn't. I couldn't. Peyton made a souffle. Eight years old, making a souffle. Imagine that.”Tagged: Master chef, Souffle, Imagine
“Text bubbles are made out of flesh-eating bacteria. You didn't know that?”Tagged: Text Bubbles, flesh eating bacteria, Shock, Knowledge
“In a hundred years, when there’s a million jerks riding around Manhattan drunk in limos, the west will seem like a paradise.”Tagged: Jerks, Manhatten, Drunk, West, Better places
“So kids, if you want presents from Schmanta this year, don't put out milk and cookies, put out lox and bagels. And call your mother, she's very worried about you.”Tagged: Lox and Bagels, Call Your Mother, Jewish, stereotypes, presents
“I gotta take this. It's my ac-clown-tant... you know, a clown-accountant. He's got this giant calculator that only ever adds up to boobs. Pretty funny, but frankly, I think he's been stealing from me.”Tagged: accountant, Calculator, Addition, Stealing, Money