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Tim Vine

51 quotesComedian · Born Mar 4, 1967 · United Kingdom · Male

Timothy Mark "Tim" Vine (born 4 March 1967) is an English writer, actor, comedian and presenter, known for his quick-fire puns and his role on the BBC series Not Going Out until his departure in 2012. He has released a number of DVDs of his stand-up comedy and has written several joke books. In 2010 and 2014, Vine won the award for best joke at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. His winning jokes were: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again" and “I decided to sell my Hoover ... well it was just collecting dust.” He was the runner up in 2011, 2012 and 2013. 2Early life Vine was born in Cheam, and attended Epsom College with his brother Jeremy. 2Career 3Stand-up Vine's stand-up act consists primarily of a series of quick-fire one-liners and puns. He has regularly appeared at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe, with shows such as The Tim Vine Shambles and The Tim Vine Fiasco which won him the Perrier newcomer award in 1995. In 2006, he had a large advertising hoarding erected featuring his name and image, with a small sub-heading "...is not appearing at this year's Edinburgh Festival" Vine appeared at the Pleasance Courtyard for the first two weeks of the 2008 Edinburgh Festival Fringe performing a show entitled Punslinge

All Jokes (50)Puns (49)One-Liners (2)aboriginal (1)Dean Martin (1)Hunting (1)Grim Reaper (1)Wordplay (1)Bee Gees (1)British Telecom (1)Eurostar (1)ice cream (1)Didgeridoo (1)Murder on the Orient Express (1)easter (1)

From “50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners”

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.'

Jokes Puns

I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Jokes Puns Hunting

I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.'

Jokes Puns Wordplay

I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said: ‘It depends where you’re calling from.’

Jokes Puns

The advantages of easy origami are twofold.

Jokes Puns

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.'

Jokes Puns

I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.'

Jokes British Telecom

I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper—dicing with death.

Jokes Puns One-Liners Grim Reaper

I did a gig in a fertility clinic. I got a standing ovulation.

Jokes Puns

I’d like to start with the chimney jokes—I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

Jokes One-Liners Puns

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