50 Brilliant Sarcastic Jokes That Will Crack You Up When You’re Feeling Snarky

“Masturbation is like procrastination—it's all good fun until you realize you’re just fucking yourself.”

— Unknown, tcat.tc

“Think I’m sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care.”

— Unknown, tcat.tc

“So many freaks, so few circuses.”

— Unknown, tcat.tc

“Honesty may be the best policy, but insanity is the best defense.”

— Unknown, tcat.tc

“Oh, I didn't tell you? Must be none of your business then.”

— Unknown, tcat.tc

“I have as much authority as the Pope. There just aren’t as many people who believe it.”

— Unknown, tcat.tc

“Sorry, my dog ate your text again.”

— Unknown, tcat.tc

“If idiots grew on trees, this place would be an orchard.”

— Unknown, tcat.tc

“Your mind might want to dance, but your body is a really awkward white guy.”

— Unknown, tcat.tc

“They say you are what you eat, so lay off the nuts already.”

— Unknown, tcat.tc

“If you need so much space, there's always NASA.”

— Unknown, tcat.tc

“I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.”

— Unknown, tcat.tc

“The sooner I shoot you, the sooner I'll get out of jail for it. Don't assume that's not a major incentive.”

— Unknown, tcat.tc

“This obviously isn't working out. I think it’s time for us to go our separate ways and start making other people miserable.”

— Unknown, tcat.tc

“If you see me smiling it's because I'm thinking of doing something bad. If you see me laughing, it's because I already have.”

— Unknown, tcat.tc

“Please tell me this train of thought you’re on has a caboose.”

— Unknown, tcat.tc

“Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile to your face—once you shove them down the stairs, that is.”

— Unknown, tcat.tc

“I would kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

— Unknown, tcat.tc

“If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.”

— Unknown, tcat.tc

“Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it since you're not that bright.”

— Unknown, tcat.tc