Masturbation is like procrastination—it's all good fun until you realize you’re just fucking yourself.
Catalog
Website
50 Brilliant Sarcastic Jokes That Will Crack You Up When You’re Feeling Snarky
Think I’m sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care.
So many freaks, so few circuses.
Honesty may be the best policy, but insanity is the best defense.
Oh, I didn't tell you? Must be none of your business then.
I have as much authority as the Pope. There just aren’t as many people who believe it.
Sorry, my dog ate your text again.
If idiots grew on trees, this place would be an orchard.
Your mind might want to dance, but your body is a really awkward white guy.
They say you are what you eat, so lay off the nuts already.
If you need so much space, there's always NASA.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
The sooner I shoot you, the sooner I'll get out of jail for it. Don't assume that's not a major incentive.
This obviously isn't working out. I think it’s time for us to go our separate ways and start making other people miserable.
If you see me smiling it's because I'm thinking of doing something bad. If you see me laughing, it's because I already have.
Please tell me this train of thought you’re on has a caboose.
Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile to your face—once you shove them down the stairs, that is.
I would kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it since you're not that bright.