Season 1

“Tim: What about you, Wilson? What are you afraid of? Wilson: I do have one underlying fear, Tim—I'm afraid that reality, as we know it, is someone else's dream. When the dreamer wakes, I'll no longer exist. Tim: ...Wilson, I wouldn't share that with too many people.”

— Susan Estelle Jansen, Tim Taylor, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“Jill Taylor: Tim, what do you actually know about installing a satellite dish? Tim Taylor: It's simple. Mount it, point it straight up. Any man could do that. Jill Taylor: Yeah, but it has to stay up longer than ten seconds.”

— Allison M. Gibson, Tim Taylor, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“Jill Taylor: [discussing Jill's upcoming job interview] Tim, do you ever listen to me? It was the last thing that I said in bed to you last night. Tim Taylor: No; I believe, if you recall, the last thing you said to me in bed last night was 'NO!' Jill Taylor: [smirking] You're thinking of tonight.”

— Carmen Finestra, Matt Williams, David McFadzean, Tim Taylor, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“Randy Taylor: [to Sir Larry] Hey, you're great! I saw you at Chris Johnson's birthday party! Sir Larry Houdini: Ahhh, lovely little girl. Randy Taylor: Chris is a boy. Sir Larry Houdini: Strange little boy.”

— Marley Sims, Randy Taylor, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, imdb.com

“Tim Taylor: I don't know what it is about football and me; I'm obsessed, I think. Wilson: Well, why do you think that is, Tim? Tim Taylor: I think it's 'cause I love it, Wilson. I love the surprise, and the strategy, and the strength, and the big guys with the logos and the colorful helmets, the shi…”

— Marley Sims, Tim Taylor, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“Randy Taylor: [referring to himself and Brad] Billy's mom thinks we're perfect little gentlemen. Tim Taylor: Billy's mom thought she saw Elvis yesterday at the gas station.”

— Elliot Stern, Randy Taylor, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, imdb.com

“Tim: Jill got mad at me because I didn't listen to her. Wilson: No, I think she got mad at you because you blew up the damn dishwasher.”

— Carmen Finestra, Matt Williams, David McFadzean, Tim Taylor, Tim Allen, imdb.com