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Tim Taylor

28 quotesTelevision Producer · Male

All Husband-Bashing (3)arguments (3)Listening (2)Misandry (2)Women (2)Giving Birth (1)Gross (1)Makeup (1)not tonight (1)Fear (1)Football (1)Insanity (1)Obsession (1)Sibling rivalry (1)no toilet paper (1)

From “Pilot”

Jill Taylor: [discussing Jill's upcoming job interview] Tim, do you ever listen to me? It was the last thing that I said in bed to you last night. Tim Taylor: No; I believe, if you recall, the last thing you said to me in bed last night was 'NO!' Jill Taylor: [smirking] You're thinking of tonight.

Listening not tonight

Tim: Jill got mad at me because I didn't listen to her. Wilson: No, I think she got mad at you because you blew up the damn dishwasher.

Mad Listening arguments

From “Off Sides”

Tim Taylor: I don't know what it is about football and me; I'm obsessed, I think. Wilson: Well, why do you think that is, Tim? Tim Taylor: I think it's 'cause I love it, Wilson. I love the surprise, and the strategy, and the strength, and the big guys with the logos and the colorful helmets, the…

Football Obsession

From “Satellite On A Hot Tim's Roof”

Jill Taylor: Tim, what do you actually know about installing a satellite dish? Tim Taylor: It's simple. Mount it, point it straight up. Any man could do that. Jill Taylor: Yeah, but it has to stay up longer than ten seconds.

Husband-Bashing

From “Wild Kingdom”

Tim: What about you, Wilson? What are you afraid of? Wilson: I do have one underlying fear, Tim—I'm afraid that reality, as we know it, is someone else's dream. When the dreamer wakes, I'll no longer exist. Tim: ...Wilson, I wouldn't share that with too many people.

Fear Dreams Insanity

From “Adventures In Fine Dining”

Tim Taylor: A live chicken? Brad, who the hell do you hang out with? Brad Taylor: Mom... Jill Taylor: What? Brad Taylor: Dad's cussing. Tim Taylor: I wasn't cussing. Mark Taylor: He said a bad word. Tim Taylor: It wasn't bad. Randy Taylor: Yeah, he said 'hell' and 'damn'. Tim Taylor: I did not say…

Cussing

From “Nothing More Than Feelings”

You know why I like tools? Because they fix things—you tear down a motor, see the problem, it's right there—boom; it's fixed. I wish I could fix things between us that easily.

Tools

Jill: What, do you have rocks in your head? Don't you think? Tim: Let's talk about who doesn't think for a minute—who drove around for two days with the oil light on? Jill: Wait—I thought you said you weren't going to bring up the oil light. Tim: With all those rocks in my head, sometimes I don't…

Husband-Bashing arguments

Tim: It's a warning light; didn't it occur to you there might be a little problem? Jill: I thought if there was a problem with the car that the light would get brighter, or there would be a buzzer. Tim: A buzzer? It's a car, not a game show.

warning light buzzer game show

From “Flying Sauces”

Tonight, when I'm cookin' that chili, I'll cut up this cauliflower, and we'll tell them we've got rabbit brains in there.

chili cauliflower rabbit brains Absurd Gross

From “Bubble, Bubble, Toil And Trouble”

Jill Taylor: I thought you said it was a technical problem. Tim Taylor: Technically, I was the problem.

technical problem

Tim Taylor: I'm gonna let you guys in on a little secret, all right? Women, as we know them, are born without a face. Randy Taylor: Bull! Tim Taylor: Listen to me—women are like a Mr. Potato Head. You've heard your mom say every now and then, 'Excuse me, fellas, I've gotta go upstairs and put my…

Women Mr. Potato Head Put your face on Makeup

Tim Taylor: I like to create, Wilson. Everything I do, I wanna make bigger and better. Wilson: Well, Tim, this obsessive desire to create partly happens because men feel inferior to women. [Tim grunts, perplexed] It's because we can't bear children. Tim Taylor: Ah, I don't mind the boys that much.…

Misandry Giving Birth

Jill Taylor: They broke the mirror, they put in the wrong tiling, we've got a cement... Jill Taylor: [suddenly seeing her new whirlpool bath] Oh, wow, wow, what's this? Tim Taylor: This is what will make it all worthwhile: Your new whirlpool. Jill Taylor: Oh, Tim, it's so beautiful. Look at the…

Women and Shower Nozzles Whirlpool

From “Reach Out And Teach Someone”

This is an excuse, women, and you're not the type to have excuses. You need to be taught. I don't think you're stupid just 'cause you don't know anything....You know, I—that didn't come out right.

excuses insults

From “Look Who's Not Talking”

Mark Taylor: I have a woman—Mommy. Randy Taylor: Your mommy can't be your woman, doofus. Tim Taylor: A lot of men pay a psychiatrist a lot of money to figure that one out.

Mommy Issues

From “Up Your Alley”

Jill: We're keeping score. Tim: I thought you didn't want to keep score. Jill: Oh, is the great big, bad bowling man afraid his itty-bitty wife is going to beat him? Tim: Is the itty-bitty wife afraid the big, bad bowling man is going to leave her in the PARKING LOT?

arguments keeping score itty-bitty

From “Baby, It's Cold Outside”

Jill Taylor: [the family's out camping and Tim just got back from the car] Oh thank God, I was getting worried. I heard this awful howling. Tim Taylor: Oh, that was me. Couldn't find any leaves, had to use a pine cone.

public defecation no toilet paper

From “A Battle Of Wheels”

Al: Anyone can do what you do. Tim: Oh, really? You think you could do what I do? Al: Oh, please. How hard could it be to tell bad jokes and screw up all the time? Tim: A lot harder than it looks.

Self-deprecation

From “Luck Be A Taylor Tonight”

Tim: How many times have you been married? Fred: Three. Tim: Why do you suppose that is? Fred: I can't find a woman who understands me.

Marriage Misunderstood Self-awareness

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