“I’ll have a glass of your most expensive red wine mixed with a glass of your cheapest white wine served in a dog bowl. Silly straws all around, please.”— April Ludgate, amazon.com
“April is the best. But she’s 20. When April was born, I was already in the third grade, which means if we were friends back then, I would have been hanging out with a baby. I don’t know anything about infant care. My god, I could have killed her.”— Andy Dwyer, amazon.com
“One time when I was in high school, a guy’s mom called me and broke up with me for him. There was another time where I was on a date, and I tripped and broke my kneecap, and the guy said he wasn’t ‘feeling it,’ so he left and I waited for an ambulance. One time I was dating this guy for a while, and…”— Leslie Knope, amazon.com
“I have a resting heart rate of 23 beats per minute. The scientists who study me say my heart can pump jet fuel up into an airplane.”— Chris Traeger, amazon.com
“Zerts are what I call desserts. Tray-trays are entrées. I call sandwiches ‘sammies,’ ‘sandoozles,’ or ‘Adam Sandlers.’ Air conditioners are ‘cool blasterz.’ I call cakes ‘big ol’ cookies.’ I call noodles ‘long-ass rice.’ Fried chicken is ‘fry-fry chicky-chick.’ Chicken parm is ‘chicky-chicky-parm-pa…”— Tom Haverford, amazon.com
“Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.”— Ron Swanson, amazon.com
“Guys love it when you can show them you’re better than they are at something they love.”— Leslie Knope, amazon.com
“I mean, that’s why people respect Hillary Clinton so much, because nobody takes a punch like her. She’s the strongest, smartest punching bag in the world.”— Leslie Knope, amazon.com
“Just remember, every time you look up at the moon, I, too, will be looking at a moon. Not the same moon, obviously. That’s impossible.”— Andy Dwyer, amazon.com
“Goodbye, Ann Perkins, my faithful employee. Hello, Ann Perkins, my fallopian princess.”— Chris Traeger, amazon.com
“Pawnee is the fourth-most obese city in America. The kids here are beefy. They’re just husky, big-boned, chunk monsters. I call them like I see them.”— Anne Perkins, amazon.com
“Own a nightclub, call it Eclipse, that’s only open for one hour two times a year. Cover charge? Five thousand dollars.”— Tom Haverford, amazon.com
“I’m sorry, I have to ask this, but how many legs did that dog have when you found him?”— Ben Wyatt, amazon.com
“The raccoon problem is under control. They have their part of the town and we have ours.”— Leslie Knope, amazon.com