“I have no idea what I’m doing, but I know I’m doing it really, really well.”— Andy Dwyer, amazon.com
“I think you’ve got several options. They’re all terrible…but you have them.”— Chris Traeger, amazon.com
“I really only listen to, like, German death reggae, Halloween sound effects from the 1950s, and Bette Midler. Obviously.”— April Ludgate, amazon.com
“As Leslie’s Maid of Honor, I really need her bachelorette party to go well, which is why I’m stress-eating these gummy penises.”— Anne Perkins, amazon.com
“Jean-Ralphio: 'Ben...Is that your real name?' Ben: 'Yes...?' Jean-Ralphio: 'Oh you could do better than that. I’m gonna help you out right now, your name is... Angelo. Angelo thank you so much for coming out. Get a thicker tie, it looks weird on you. It makes your head look like a fish. Secondly, I…”— Jean-Ralphio, Ben Wyatt, amazon.com
“Most people would say ‘the deets’, but I say ‘the tails’. Just another example of innovation.”— Tom Haverford, amazon.com
“No, that’s Buckingham Palace. Hogwarts is fictional. You do know that, don’t you? It’s important to me that you know that.”— Ben Wyatt, amazon.com
“Calzones are pointless. They’re just pizza that’s harder to eat. No one likes them.”— Leslie Knope, amazon.com
“History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake.”— Ron Swanson, amazon.com
“I promised myself I was not going to cry tonight, and I’ve already broken that promise five times. But I will not break it a sixth.”— Chris Traeger, amazon.com
“Jogging is the worst. I know it keeps you healthy, but god, at what cost?”— Anne Perkins, amazon.com
“I hope you brought a change of clothes because your eyes are about to piss tears.”— Jean-Ralphio, amazon.com
“Jerry: 'I really wish I could have your body.' Tom: 'What?' April: 'Eww, like tied up naked in your basement?' Jerry: 'No, no I mean you’re in good shape and you can eat whatever you want.' Leslie: 'That was weird, Jerry.'”— Jerry Gergich, Tom Haverford, April Ludgate, Leslie Knope, amazon.com