“Husband: ‘Wanna know when you orgasm next.’ Wife: ‘I’d rather not interrupt you at work.’”— Unknown, tcat.tc
“Masturbation is like procrastination—it's all good fun until you realize you’re just fucking yourself.”— Unknown, tcat.tc
“If I was addicted to masturbation and then I got addicted to sex... Would it be safe to assume my addiction got out of hand?”— CarleCJ253, reddit.com
“He could've had any woman in the world…but none could match the beauty of his own hand…and that became his one true love.”— Larry David, Photographer, Michael Metz, imdb.com
“No, no, no, no. You can't! You can't! This is something that comes about once in a lifetime! When we were boys, looking through our bedroom windows, we would think: ‘Why can't there be a woman out there, taking her clothes off?’ And now that wish has come true, and you want to throw it away?”— Larry David, Cosmo Kramer, Michael Richards, imdb.com
“I can't take it anymore! She's driving me crazy! I can't sleep, I can't leave the house, and I’m here, I'm climbin’ the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in this contest—something's gotta give.”— Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld, imdb.com
“We have to do it. It's part of our lifestyle. It's like, uh…shaving.”— Larry David, Cosmo Kramer, Michael Richards, imdb.com
“I don't understand you. I really don't. You have nothing better to do at three o’clock in the afternoon? I go out for a quart of milk, I come home, and find my son treating his body like it was an amusement park!”— Larry David, Estelle Costanza, Estelle Harris, imdb.com
“That's why I don't have cable in my house. Because of that naked station. If I had that in my house, I would never turn it off. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't eat. Eventually, firemen would have to break through the door, they'd find me sitting there in my pajamas with drool coming down my face.”— Larry David, George Costanza, Jason Alexander, imdb.com
“When I was twelve, I found my father's collection of pornography. I remember running into the bathroom and jerking off. I was all right. In fact, I was happy to know my father actually looked at pictures of naked women.”— Al Goldstein, filthy.media
“I am also a father now, and I would like my son to live in a saner world than I do. I don’t want my son to have to go through my drawers to find my pornography, as I found my father's. I would like my son to be able to masturbate without feeling guilty, wondering if his mind is going to turn to oatm…”— Al Goldstein, filthy.media
“My girlfriend always takes long showers after watching movies starring Chris Pratt. I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Chris Pratt.”— ArchAngelofSloths, reddit.com
“Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.”— Mae West, telegraph.co.uk
“Getting off while they're all downstairs. Singing prayers, sing away, he's in my pumpkin pj's. Lay your book on my chest. Feel the word.”— Tori Amos, open.spotify.com
“While masturbation is a go-to solution when you’re feeling lonely, there’s no reason you should be the only one involved. Giving each other sex tasks (like masturbating at specific times or using a new toy) means you’re always there in spirit, and it adds a little thrill to the day when you know you…”— Kathryn Lindsay, refinery29.com
“Send each other naughty texts. Send voice recordings of you reading erotica out loud. Skype each other while you masturbate, or play a round of online strip poker.”— Vanessa Marin, huffingtonpost.ca
“Encourage him to masturbate more frequently. Reaching orgasm more often on his own can help him delay his ejaculation when he's with you.”— Jennifer Cullen, thestir.cafemom.com