“Deputy Barney Fife: You'll never guess what's happened. Something big. Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, what is it? Deputy Barney Fife: Biggest thing ever happened in Mayberry. REAL big. Big. BIG big. Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, now, now just simmer down, Barney. What is it? Deputy Barney Fife: Well, I'm…”Tagged: big, Hinting, Beating around the bush
“Emma Brand: Aye, Sheriff, I come to report a murder. Sheriff Andy Taylor: A murder? Emma Brand: That's right. Sheriff Andy Taylor: Somebody's been murdered? Emma Brand: Yes. Sheriff Andy Taylor: Who? Emma Brand: Me! Sheriff Andy Taylor: You? Emma Brand: Yes, and I'll tell you who done it! That lady…”Tagged: Murder, filing a false police report
“Oh, Aunt Bee, what they got in mind for me is as clear as the nose on a warthog's face.”Tagged: clear as the nose on a warthog's face
“I once knew a horse that didn't even know how to fix a sore finger. Played a great guitar, but was nothin' with first aid.”Tagged: Horse, Surreal, Guitar
“Well, what would ANY husband say to his widow? Thank her for the nice funeral she gave you, for the kind words on your headstone. Why, you got a lot to talk about. Look alive, now.”Tagged: husband, Widow, headstone, Morbid
“Mr. Carter: Course I know the reason I'm shootin' at him. Andy Taylor: Well, how come? Mr. Carter: Cause he's a Wakefield. Andy Taylor: What does that mean to you? Mr. Carter: It means I gotta shoot at him. Andy Taylor: Well why do you have to shoot at him? Mr. Carter: Cause he's a Wakefield.”Tagged: family feuds
“Andy Taylor: Goodbye, goodbye. Partin' is such sweet sorrow that I would say goodbye till it be morrow. Opie Taylor: What's THAT mean? Andy Taylor: Well, that means I'd love to set and jaw with ya a while longer, but I got to be a-movin' on.”Tagged: Oxymorons, Goodby, Sweet Sorrow, Moving On
“I don't want him to be the kind of boy lookin' for fights, but I don't want him to run from one when he's in the right.”Tagged: bullies, Self-Defense
“Well, that's a fine day's work. You've outsmarted justice and you've made a mockery of this court, and you've turned three people against me that I would have sworn would never leave my side. Oh, I can understand a shiny, autographed baseball turning a little boy's head, but I am a little…”Tagged: Ruined, Friendships
“Andy Taylor: What do you know about love? Floyd Lawson: What do I know... about love... about love...A man can't cut hair for thirty years without learning SOMETHING!”Tagged: Love, Barber
“Mayor Roy Stoner: Well, I'll admit they sound better'n they did last year... Andy Taylor: There ya are, boys! Mayor Roy Stoner: ...but they are still the most disgusting band I have ever heard in all my life.”Tagged: distaste, Disgust, Backhanded Compliments
“Sheriff Andy Taylor: There goes a happy man. Deputy Barney Fife: There goes a happy nut.”Tagged: Happy, Man, Nut
“Sheriff Andy Taylor: Look at him go. He's a strange one. Recruiting Sergeant: He's a wild one. Deputy Barney Fife: He's a nut.”Tagged: strange, Wild, Nut
“Ernest T. Bass: I'm no account, Andy. I'm no-count. Sheriff Andy Taylor: You're not no-count, Earnest. You're just... ignorant, that's all. Ernest T. Bass: Aw, you're being kind.”Tagged: No-Account, ignorant
“Barney, you want my honest opinion? I don't believe that dog can find his own food dish.”Tagged: honest opinion, dumb dog
“Sheriff Andy Taylor: Now I'm warning you, if you throw one more rock... Ernest T. Bass: I promise you Sheriff, I won't throw one more rock. [Sheriff Taylor walks away] Ernest T. Bass: Didn't say nothin' 'bout no brick!”Tagged: throwing rocks, promises, Literal