Season 1

“I wrote a poem for my dad, and he hit me with a broom and then he said, this broom will do more for you than any poem.”

— Sid Youngers, Dan Conner, John Goodman, imdb.com

“Hey, all our lives suck.”

— Sid Youngers, Roseanne Conner, Roseanne Barr, imdb.com

“Here's why you can't trust your kids 'cause they're stupid. That's why we don't give 'em cars or booze.”

— Sid Youngers, Roseanne Conner, Roseanne Barr, imdb.com

“Etsy is like a yard sale except online because nobody can afford a yard anymore.”

— Sid Youngers, Darlene Conner, Sara Gilbert, imdb.com

“Oh, I love plastic bottles 'cause when you're done with them, you just gather 'em up and dump 'em in the lake.”

— Darlene Hunt, Roseanne Conner, Roseanne Barr, imdb.com

“All of your relatives died from alcoholism. The ones that didn't drink were killed by the ones who did.”

— Darlene Hunt, Roseanne Conner, Roseanne Barr, imdb.com

“Andrea: Did all of your children's deliveries go according to your birth plan? Roseanne: Um, they found their way out, if that's what you mean.”

— Darlene Hunt, Roseanne Conner, Roseanne Barr, imdb.com

“You gotta pick your fights in life.”

— Darlene Hunt, Roseanne Conner, Roseanne Barr, imdb.com

“I think you guys are really gonna like Mark 'cause he is a lot of fun, and he's very fashionable. Sometimes he wants to wear a dress or a real fancy top. I think he's gonna grow up and be a fashion designer. A really famous one, like, uh, T.J.Maxx or, um or that Ross guy. So, I'm counting on you guy…”

— Darlene Hunt, Roseanne Conner, Roseanne Barr, imdb.com

“Okay, he doesn't have to wear pants, but he's gotta wear underwear.”

— Darlene Hunt, Dan Conner, John Goodman, imdb.com

“When did 'masculine' become a dirty word?”

— Darlene Hunt, Dan Conner, John Goodman, imdb.com

“Everything's fun when you're a kid. You ever go to the circus as an adult? It's nothing but animals getting beat and drunk clowns.”

— Bruce Rasmussen, Roseanne Conner, Roseanne Barr, imdb.com

“It is not my fault that I just happen to be a charismatic person who's always right about everything.”

— Bruce Rasmussen, Roseanne Conner, Roseanne Barr, imdb.com

“We're gonna love the baby, we're gonna raise the baby to believe that anything is possible, until the time the baby realizes it got screwed by being born into this family, then we're gonna send that baby out into the world until such time said baby returns home to us to live with its own baby!”

— Bruce Rasmussen, Dan Conner, John Goodman, imdb.com

“Come on, I'll give you a ride to your job interview. All's you got to do is open up your Uber app and request me.”

— Bruce Rasmussen, Roseanne Conner, Roseanne Barr, imdb.com

“Roseanne: Did you get the anti-depressants? Dan: They're all yours. If you're not happy, I have no chance of being happy.”

— Bruce Rasmussen, Dan Conner, John Goodman, imdb.com

“I should have understood that, you know, you want the government to give everybody free health care 'cause you're a good-hearted person who can't do simple math.”

— Bruce Rasmussen, Roseanne Conner, Roseanne Barr, imdb.com

“Jackie: What has happened to you? You always believed in my body, my choice. Roseanne: Right, and her body came out of my body, so it's my choice.”

— Bruce Rasmussen, Roseanne Conner, Roseanne Barr, imdb.com

“I can't remember where we hid our gun.”

— Bruce Rasmussen, Roseanne Conner, Roseanne Barr, imdb.com

“Most of all, Lord, thank you for making America great again.”

— Bruce Rasmussen, Roseanne Conner, Roseanne Barr, imdb.com