For a really long time that's all I had. Little moments with a girl who saw me as a friend. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl who I worked with, but I think, even then I knew, I was waiting for my wife.
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The Office
Jim: Four years ago, I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl who had a boyfriend. And I had to do the hardest thing I ever had to do, which was just to wait. Don't get me wrong—I flirted with her. Pam, I can now admit in front of friends and family that I do know how to make a photocopy. I didn't…
There are three things you must never turn your back on: bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season.
Bread is the paper of the food industry. You write your sandwich on it.
Nostalgia is truly one of the great human weaknesses. Second only to the neck.
Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
Before I do anything I ask myself, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing.
I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. Someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.
Dolphins get a lot of good publicity for the drowning swimmers they push back to shore, but what you don't hear about is the many people they push further out to sea. Dolphins aren't smart. They just like pushing things.
In an ideal world I would have all ten fingers on my left hand and the right one would just be left for punching.
I saw 'Wedding Crashers' accidentally. I bought a ticket for 'Grizzly Man' and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater but I kept waiting. Cause that's the thing about bear attacks... they come when you least expect it.
Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.
There are too many people on this earth. We need a new plague.
Studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage because I bring my own water to work.
No, don't call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the Commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.
To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don't know why everyone doesn't do this... Maybe they have something against living forever.
Once I'm officially Regional Manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.
I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then, my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. Absolutely everything was the same... except I could fly.
I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran, killed twenty men, and spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.
Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly... I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most.