TOM SEGURA: DISGRACEFUL (2018)

- Full transcriptby Tom Segura(8 total)

So, I’m naked. I’m in the fetal position. [My doctor] lubes up. It is a ton of lube. I didn’t know that. I was like, 'That’s why I’ve never had success with this before.' [audience laughs] And he goes, 'You’re gonna feel a little bit of pressure. And that is my cock… It’s my finger,' like that. [aud…

— Tom Segura, scrapsfromtheloft.com

Prostate Exam Fetal Position

It was a Catholic school, and on Wednesdays, they had Mass. So picture, you’re a new student at a new school, you don’t know anybody, and the first thing you’re doing, is you’re going to church. So, I walk in and the priest starts the service. He goes, 'In the name of the Father, and the Son…' And t…

— Tom Segura, scrapsfromtheloft.com

mass Catholicism Tourette's Bible

Masturbating is important, you know? You appreciate it more when you’re a parent. I look forward to masturbating more than sex. You know why? ‘Cause I know I’m gonna treat me right.

— Tom Segura, scrapsfromtheloft.com

masturbating Parenthood

I support building a wall if it’s around the state of Louisiana because those people are out of their fuckin’ minds. [audience cheering and clapping] [mumbling] You fuckin’ swamp people, we don’t need you.

— Tom Segura, scrapsfromtheloft.com

Build a Wall Louisiana Swamp People

So lady, when you say you’re horny ‘the way guys are,’ I ask you, are you willing to go into an unmarked building and wait behind a wall for a stranger to stick his dick through a hole in that wall? And then you, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, polish it off for the love of the game? Because that’s what sa…

— Tom Segura, scrapsfromtheloft.com

Horny Male Female Sex Drives Sex Drive Horny Like Guys Are Glory Holes

You want to know how big of a pig your man is? He’s however big of a pig you give him permission to be. Every man has unlimited ‘pig-tential.’

— Tom Segura, scrapsfromtheloft.com

Men are Pigs Pig-Tential Permission

By the way, is there any more satisfying feeling than letting an elevator door close on somebody? I did it…[audience cheering] I did it at the hotel earlier. [laughs] I got such a warm rush through my body. It felt like the inside of my body hugged the outside of my body, you know? [audience laughs]…

— Tom Segura, scrapsfromtheloft.com

Elevators Rudeness Power

I get so many different reactions when people find out I speak Spanish. I either get completely incredulous people who are like, ‘Holy fuckin’ shit. I can’t believe what’s coming out of your mouth right now. I think I’m gonna piss my pants.’ And I’m like, ‘I don’t speak Aramaic. I speak Spanish. Why…

— Tom Segura, scrapsfromtheloft.com

bilingual spanish Aramaic

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