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Tom Segura

23 quotesBorn Apr 16, 1979 · United States Of America · Male

Tom Segura (born April 16, 1979) is an American stand-up comedian and podcaster from Cincinnati, Ohio. He lives in Los Angeles, California. 2Personal life Segura was born April 16, 1979, in Cincinnati, Ohio. He has two sisters. He has also lived in Minneapolis, Milwaukee, and Vero Beach, Florida. When he was 18, Segura overdosed on GHB and fell into a short coma. Segura is married to comedian Christina Pazsitzky. In 2016, they had their first child together. Segura also speaks Spanish fluently. 2Career Segura has been performing as a comedian since shortly after he graduated from Lenoir-Rhyne Universit

All hotels (2)bilingual (2)Sociology (1)Crass (1)Build a Wall (1)Permission (1)Crack Cocaine (1)Prostate Exam (1)Gluttony (1)Airplaines (1)classism (1)disrespect (1)Elevators (1)Pig-Tential (1)Paranoia (1)

From “Tom Segura”

I am telling you, the moment I get bumped up to first class, I get washed over with this feeling. I’m like, ‘look at these fucking poor pieces of shit on my flight. Ugh.’ I’m so much better than them. Don’t stand next to me. Ugh, dude. I dare you to try to come up from coach and use the first class…

Airplaines First Class Seats classism

Every week, it’s another city for me. I get asked the same questions every week by people. ‘Are people the same everywhere?’ No. Some places suck and they have shittier people. I just gave you a sociology degree.

travel Sociology

You can learn a lot from television. For instance, without television, I would have no idea that Steven Seagal is out of his fucking mind. Or alive. I also didn’t know that.

TV Steven Seagal

I swear to God, there is no more liberating and fun thing to do in this world than scream in your best aggressive black guy voice. Holy shit. So much fun. I highly recommend you do it. Not if you’re black. If you’re black, you already do it. But if you’re white, do it. Do it in public. Do it where…

Black Guy Voice Los Angeles Crenshaw Boulevard

I hate who I’m becoming, socially. Like, all my social interactions, I’m disintegrating into somebody I want to punch in the mouth.

Social Anxiety

I don’t even want to, like, lose weight to live long or be healthy. I don’t. I just want to be able to make fun of fat people again.

weight loss Fat shaming

Now I’m gonna be a dad. So nuts. Isn’t that crazy? As a man, all you do is you dump inside of a girl and then…there’s life?

Fatherhood Mystery of Life

I’d love to learn another language, but there’s too much porn to watch.

bilingual Porn

I’m always trying to set goals. My latest goal….I’m trying to be less polite, you know? ‘Cause the world is not as polite as you’re raised to believe it’s gonna be, you know? I don’t understand why we accept that when you say ‘thank you,’ people don’t have to say ‘you’re welcome’ anymore. People…

Politeness Thank You You're Welcome

Come on, hotels are great. Everybody loves hotels. Especially when you check in with your significant other. Why? Because you know in a hotel you’re gonna have sex, and you’re gonna have an elevated form of sex. You’re gonna have hotel room sex, which is, let’s have sex, but let’s also disrespect…

hotels Hotel Sex disrespect

I think the fattest thing you can do is probably eat another fat person, right? Like, if you’re fat and you see another fat guy, and you’re like, that guy looks delicious, you’re super fat.

Gluttony Fattest

From “TOM SEGURA: DISGRACEFUL (2018)”

So, I’m naked. I’m in the fetal position. [My doctor] lubes up. It is a ton of lube. I didn’t know that. I was like, 'That’s why I’ve never had success with this before.' [audience laughs] And he goes, 'You’re gonna feel a little bit of pressure. And that is my cock… It’s my finger,' like that.…

Prostate Exam Fetal Position

It was a Catholic school, and on Wednesdays, they had Mass. So picture, you’re a new student at a new school, you don’t know anybody, and the first thing you’re doing, is you’re going to church. So, I walk in and the priest starts the service. He goes, 'In the name of the Father, and the Son…' And…

mass Catholicism Tourette's Bible

Masturbating is important, you know? You appreciate it more when you’re a parent. I look forward to masturbating more than sex. You know why? ‘Cause I know I’m gonna treat me right.

masturbating Parenthood

I support building a wall if it’s around the state of Louisiana because those people are out of their fuckin’ minds. [audience cheering and clapping] [mumbling] You fuckin’ swamp people, we don’t need you.

Build a Wall Louisiana Swamp People

So lady, when you say you’re horny ‘the way guys are,’ I ask you, are you willing to go into an unmarked building and wait behind a wall for a stranger to stick his dick through a hole in that wall? And then you, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, polish it off for the love of the game? Because that’s what…

Horny Male Female Sex Drives Sex Drive Horny Like Guys Are Glory Holes

You want to know how big of a pig your man is? He’s however big of a pig you give him permission to be. Every man has unlimited ‘pig-tential.’

Men are Pigs Pig-Tential Permission

By the way, is there any more satisfying feeling than letting an elevator door close on somebody? I did it…[audience cheering] I did it at the hotel earlier. [laughs] I got such a warm rush through my body. It felt like the inside of my body hugged the outside of my body, you know? [audience laughs]…

Elevators Rudeness Power

I get so many different reactions when people find out I speak Spanish. I either get completely incredulous people who are like, ‘Holy fuckin’ shit. I can’t believe what’s coming out of your mouth right now. I think I’m gonna piss my pants.’ And I’m like, ‘I don’t speak Aramaic. I speak Spanish. Why…

bilingual spanish Aramaic

From “TOM SEGURA: MOSTLY STORIES (2016)”

The one quality I do love about Northeastern people, though, you could be in an argument with them and be like, ‘You’re a fucking asshole.’ – And they’re like, ‘Thank you.’ – [laughter] ‘My dad’s an asshole, and so am I. It’s kind of a thing.’

Northeast Northeastern People Crass Attitude asshole

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