Man, who'd have thought it'd be June already? Anyone with a calendar, I guess. I've got to start thinking these tweets through better.
Catalog
Website
via twitter.com
Does anyone know where we can buy one of those "100 Days Without A Workplace Accident" signs? Ours has a lot of dried blood on it.
Another day, another dollar. I've really got to renegotiate my contract.
I can't wait for the next Mad Max movies: Bargaining Max, Depression Max, and finally, Acceptance Max.
Will I understand "Jurassic World" if I didn't see "Triassic World?"
Fun Fact! Techno music got its name because it is technocally music.
They say if you want to get something done, give it to a busy person. Still, The Rock hasn't even started cleaning out my basement.
I hate it when I get a song stuck in my head -- but it's better than getting it stuck in my liver.
I want this tweet to go viral. So imagine a kitten getting hit in the nuts with a leaked photo of the iPhone 7.
The new Late Show will have so many surprises for you! For me, too. I tend to nod off during meetings.
They're putting a woman on the $10 bill. And if they make it your grandma she won't even have to sign your birthday card.
My dog used to bring me the newspaper, but now he just forwards me links.
U-S-A! S-O-C-C-E-R! C-O-N-G-R-A-T-U-L-A-T-I-O-N-S O-N T-H-E B-I-G W-I-N! Y-O-U A-R-E A-N I-N-S-P-I-R-A-T-I-O-N T-O U-S A-L-L! #LSSC
BP is paying $18.7 bil for their Deepwater Horizon oil spill—that comes out to roughly $18.7 bil for every planet they're destroying.
Taking my kids to see 'Magic Mike XXL' tonight. Don't know what it's about, but my kids are crazy about magic!
Hey Neil deGrasse Tyson, I’m sick of you hitting Pluto below the Kuiper Belt. Come here and pick on someone in your own orbit!
Something's wrong with my iPad! Should I wash it again?
Tune into #LSSC tonight at 11:33! It starts at 11:35, but get to your TV early for a better seat.
"Siri, put Apple CEO Tim Cook on my calendar for Tuesday, Sept. 15. Oh, and come up with some questions to ask him."
In school I learned to pretend to read Moby Dick.