Quote
Catalog

Quotes tagged ‘humor’

(1220 total)

Live every day like you're actively taking down the ideologies of old straight white men everywhere.

i'm most excited for this election to be over so people can stop ending their tweets with 'sad!'

Hey, yeah, uh, I'm just calling to procure a hasty abortion.

The funny thing is that Steve Rendazo secretly wants me. Jocks like him always want freaky girls. Girls with horn-rimmed glasses and vegan footwear and Goth makeup. Girls who play the cello and wear Converse All-Stars and want to be children's librarians when they grow up. Oh yeah, jocks eat that sh…

— Ellen Page, Juno, amazon.com

Juno: I'm not ready to be a mom. Mac: Damn skippy you're not! You don't even remember to give Liberty Bell her breathing meds. Juno: God, that was *one* time! And she did not die, if you recall.

— Ellen Page, J.K Simmons, Juno, Mac, amazon.com

Katrina's not my girlfriend alright? And I doubt she gave you the stinkeye that's just how her face looks, you know? That's just her face.

— Michael Cera, Bleeker, amazon.com

Juno: I just, like, don't want to give the baby to a family that describes themselves as 'wholesome.' Well, I don't know, I just want something a little more edgier. Leah: Okay, well what did you have in mind? Juno: I was thinking more, like, graphic designer, mid-thirties, you know, with a cool Asi…

— Ellen Page, Olivia Thirlby, Juno, Leah, amazon.com

WHOA DREAM BIG!

— Ellen Page, Juno, amazon.com

Ultrasound Technician: I just see a lot of teenage mothers come through here and it's obviously a poisonous environment to raise a baby in. Juno: How do you know I'm so poisonous? What if these adoptive parents turn out to be, like, evil molesters? Leah: Or, like, stage parents. Bren: They could be…

— Kaaren de Zilva, Ellen Page, Olivia Thirlby, Allison Janney, Ultrasound Technician, Juno, Leah, Bren, amazon.com

Excuse me. I am a sacred vessel, alright? All you've got in your stomach is Taco Bell.

— Ellen Page, Juno, amazon.com

Mac: I'm not ready to be a pop-pop. Bren: You're not going to be a pop-pop. Somebody else is going to find a precious blessing from Jesus in this garbage dump of a situation.

— J.K Simmons, Allison Janney, Mac, Bren, amazon.com

Uhhh, I hate it when adults use the term 'sexually active.' What does it even mean? Am I gonna like deactivate some day or is it a permanent state of being?

— Ellen Page, Juno, amazon.com

I named my guitar Roosevelt—not Ted, Franklin. You know, the hot one, with polio.

— Ellen Page, Juno, amazon.com

Juno: What? Cause I got bored and had sex with you and I didn't want to, like, marry you? Bleeker: Like I'd marry you! You'd be the meanest wife ever, okay? And I know that you weren't bored that day because there was a lot of stuff on TV, and then 'The Blair Witch Project' was coming on Starz and y…

— Ellen Page, Michael Cera, Juno, Bleeker, amazon.com

Mac: Where you been? Juno: Oh, just out dealing with things way beyond my maturity level.

— Ellen Page, J.K Simmons, Juno, Mac, amazon.com

Bleeker: I still have your underwear. Juno: I still have your virginity. Bleeker: Would you shut up?

— Bleeker, Ellen Page, Michael Cera, Juno, amazon.com

Juno: I'm pregnant. Leah: What? Honest to blog? Juno: Yeah. Yeah, it's Bleeker's. Leah: It's probably just a food baby. Did you have a big lunch? Juno: No, this is not a food baby all right? I've taken like three pregnancy tests, and I'm forshizz up the spout. Leah: How did you even generate enough…

— Leah, Ellen Page, Olivia Thirlby, Juno, amazon.com

Juno: I'm just, like, losing my faith with humanity. Mac: Can you can narrow that down for me? Juno: I just wonder if like, two people can ever stay together for good. Mac: You mean like couples? Juno: Yeah, like people in love. Mac: Are you having boy troubles? Because I gotta be honest with you; I…

— Ellen Page, J.K Simmons, Juno, Mac, amazon.com

Everything is funny, if you can laugh at it.

— Lewis Carroll, amazon.com

Charlotte [Making fun of Bob's one-night stand]: 'She's older. At least you'll have lots to talk about.' Bob: 'I can't believe you couldn't find anyone else to lavish you with attention.'

— Scarlett Johansson, Bill Murray, Charlotte, Bob, amazon.com

K WWW K K&MMWWMMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM&&K K && && K KKKKKKK WW KK WWW & &MWWWWMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMM&&KKK K& KKKKK KKKKK KK K KK WWW K &MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMM&&&&K KK K&K KKK&&&&KKK KKKKKKKKKK K KK MWWK KKMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM&&&& MKK KKKKKK&KKKK&&&KKKKKKK&&&KK WW KKKK WWK &M& MWWMM&MWWWWWWWWWWMWWWWWWWWMWM&KK K K &K KK KK KKK&&&&KK KKK&&KKK KM KKKK KM &WM& K&MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMM&K & KKKK K KKK&&K& KK&&KK MW KK K K&&MMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMK &KK K K&&&&K KKKKK&&K&&KK KKK K KK&K&&MMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM&&M&&&&&& &K K&&&&&K KKKK&&&&&KK WW K KKK& K&&&K&MMWWMWWWWWWWWMMWWWWWWWW&&&&KKK&K K& K&&&&K KKKKK&&&&&KKK WM KKKKKK KKKK &MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMM&& & K&&KKK KKKK&&&&&&&&&KKK KKKK WM KK KKKKKKKKK K KK &&MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM&&&& & KKK KK K&MM&&&&&&KKKKKKKKK K WM KK K KK K K &&WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW&KWM& WWWWM &K K KK K&&&&&KKKKKKK KKKKK KK K KK K &MWMMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW& KK MWW MKKKK KK&&KK KKKK KKKKKK KKKKK KKKKK K KMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMWWWWWWWWWW KWMWWM& W KKKKKKK&&&&KK K K KKKK KKKK K K KK&KK K MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW&WWWWWWM K& WMWWWWW W &&&&KKK&&K&KKK&&KKKK KKK K KKKK&&K K&WWWWWWWMWWM &WWWWMK WWWWWW&WK&&&KK K KK&&&&&K KMMW K &MWWWW&& &WWWWW&W& &KK K KK&&MMMMK WWWWW MMWM &WWWWWK M WWWWW W &&K KK&MMWMK M&W W &WWWWWKKW & &M& WWWW&WW &&&K KK&&K&M&K WM K WW KW KWWWWW&&MWM &WWWW& & K&&& &WW WWK&&& KKKK KK WWW KWWWWWWW&MWWW MWWWW&M&KMKK KMMMMMWMM &WW W K&&K K&K K WW MM KMWWWW&KK&M&WWWWWWMWWWWWWWWWW&K WW&W K&&K KKKKKK W &WWW MMWWMMK KKMWWWWMKK K&WWWWMM&&WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW& WWMW &&& KKKK W M KWWWWWM M&WWWWWMWWWWMM& K WWWWWWMM&WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW& WWMWW &&&K KK&K K W MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW& K&WWWWWWMMMMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW& MWWWWK&MM& K&&KK WW KWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW &MWWWWWWM&&MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMWWMK &WWWM&MWW& KK W WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM KMWWWWWWM&&M&WWWWWWWWWWWWWWM&& KW W&MWWM WMMMWWWWWWWWWWWWWW KMWWWWWWM&&&MMWWWWWWWWWWWWW&K && W&WWMK K&WWWWWWWWWWWWWW K KMWWWWWWM&MWMWM&MWWWWWWWWMM KM MWW& KKKKKKK KKWWWWWWWWWWWWM MMK &WWWWWWWWWWWM&WW MWWWMMMM &&KMWWWM KKKKK MWWWWWWWWWWMW& K&M&&WWWWWWWWW&K WWWW& &MM&&K W&MWWW& KKK KK MMWWWWWWWMMWWM K&MW&&&K WWWWWWWW M&MWWM K&&&&&&&&K MWWWWWK WWWWW WWWW& MWMWWM KK&&&&&&&&K MMM& KW&MWMK & WWWW& &&&MMMMMM&&& && M M K&WM & &KWWWM K&&M&&&MMMM&K &M M KMMW K& WMMM& KW K MWW&

.: ,., .: . , . .::,., , , ::,., : : ,:, , . . : : ,,. , , ,. : ... , , :, : ,: .. , , : : :: :, :: . , .,.: , . ::, : , : ...:,:::: ., :::: , ..., , .,:,., : :::,: , ...: ... , : ::::: :. ..., : .. ,.. .,,: : :::::: :. ..., .. ,. .,:: : : , : :::::: :. ..., . .,,,,: : , ,. , : ::::::: :. ..., .. ..,,::: :: . , : ::::::: :. ...: ,,:,:::,: : ,. , : :.: ::::::: : , , . .,,,:::::, .,,:,., : , : :, : :::,::: , . .,:::,, ::. .. , : ,,: . , :::::: , . , , ,,: :, ,,,. . . :,,: ::::::: , ,: ,...,: : , , : , ::: ::::::: : . : ,,,:.,,.,: ,, : ,: ::::::: : :::::: : , : , , ,,: ,: :,. ...,: :::::: , : , : .. .,, ,. .,: ::::::: :, , . : : ,....., , .,:: :::::: :. , : ,....,,: :. ...,,: :::::: :. , , :. : ,, , ....,:: :::::: :. , : ,. : .. .., ., , : :. ..,.,:: ::::: :. ,: : , .,.: ..: :: :: , ,,,,:: :::: : :. ,: : . . . .: . , .,,,: :::: :. .: : ,.,, .: . ,,,, :::: : :. .: : , ,:, ,:: . .: :. : : ,::,: : :::: :. .: :.,. . ,., . . . .::: :::: :. .: ,::. .,:,: : . : .: . : ::: :. ,: ,,: .,:, :. , . : : . .: : : :: :. ,: :,,, ..,::, ,: : ::,: . : :: :. ,: .,,... ,,:, . :. . : , : .

*<* }}}}}}*<~~~<<~* * ~ ~<* * }*} }}}}}}}*<<<***<< ~<} ~} } < *} }}}}}}*******<< ~<} ~<} * }* ~ }} }}*******~} ~<}} ~}*<** } } * <} }}}******<~* ~< ~ ~*<~~~} }* < * <} } }*****}*~< ~ ~<}~ <*~~ } * <} }***}}*<~* ~ ~<}~ ~ ~ < *< }} * * } ~* }}*}**<* ~ ~<}* <<~~ ~*} *~ } ~* }}*****}}* ~<} ~~~}}} }} } ~} }}***~ ~<*}} ~<*} *}***}} }* < }**~ ~<*} ~~ <<**<* ** * ~} }< ~<**} <}*}}}} }} *< < * }< ~<**}} ~}}*~*} ~ }}*<} <} *< ~<*** }* *} ~ <*}} * }*~ ~<*** ~ * < *~~*} < ~~~ ~*}}} < }*~ ~<***} ~< ~ < } } * * *< < }*~ }} ~ < * < <~} } }}< }}}}}}} ~} }*~ ~}}~~} ~ ~ ~ } ~ < ~< *< }*<<<***}*}***}}} ~~* }*<~ }~ } ~~<~ *~ ~~ } ~~ < ~ *< < ~<} *<* }**<~~~~<<<*******} ~* }*<~ }~~<~ *}< <* ~}* *< }* ~< *< * *<<<~ ~~<<*****}} } ~* }*<~ } * ~<}<~** ~<~*< ~} *~ <<} *<~ *<<<~~ ~ ~~~<* }}}}} ~~* }*<~ } < <* } }}} } }<<< ~** < }<~<<<~~ <**} }}}}} ~~* }*<~ * } ~<* <~* *<} *<**<<<~ ~<} }}}}} ~* }< * } < ~} *<< ~ }<****<<~ ~<} ~ ~* }< ~ *~ }} * * }*<* }* }*<****<~ ~~<} ~~* *< ~} }* <~ ~} }}<< ~ *<<****<~ ~~< ~<} }*< ~** < ~ < }<~ < } }<<<***<< ~~~*} } ~~< }*< <}*~ } } } * } <* ~ <~<*<<<<~ ~~~<* }}} ~ ~* }*< <}}} < < < ~ <} < *} }*< <~<*****<~ ~~~~~~* }}} ~~~* *< <*}}< <~}< <<} ~} * } }< *~<**}}}*<~ ~~<<~~~* ~ < }< <}}*}< ~<*~ ~} * ** < <<<*}}}}*< <<<~~~~* * ~ * *< <****} *~~~ ~*} ~ ~ ~ < } *<*~~ *~**}} }< ~~<<<~~~~* }~ ~ ~} *~ <****}}}}}**~ < } < ~}<*~ }*} *<<*}} }< ~~~<<<<~~~<<} } }< ~ < *~ <******}**}}} ~<} }} ~~ ~ << ~}~< ~< ~} ~ *}<*} <<*}} }*~ <<<****<<~~<<} }}} * ~ ~} }*~ <***********} ~} * } ~ <~ ~<} *<*}<}< * * <<< *<*}} }~ *******<~<~~<<} } }~ ~ ~* }*< <***********}* ~} }~} }< < ~~} * <~ } * *<} < ***}}}**<~<<~~<} }<

joVUU Vjjj U o jV UojjVjUU U U UVUo VVVVVVVVoooojjoojjooVUVUVUUVVVVVVUU U UVVj oVo joVU Uoj V j o jo joo jUU UojoV UVVVoVVoVVooooVooVVU UVUVoooUU U UUVoVj VVoo jooVU UVoo j V j jo jjVjoV o UUVUUj V UVVoVVoVVVVooVVUU UUUV UVooVoV oVo jooVoUU UVojjjj jVo j jj UUVo jVj UVoooVVoooooVU UVVVVo oVo jjoVVU Uoojj U j joVVj o VoojU UV UVVVooVVVVVVUUUU U U U UVVVVVo oVo jjVVU Vojjj j j U jjVo ojj VoUoVjoo V VoVoVVVVU UUUUUUUU U UoVU VoVoooVo joj ooUUU VVVoooooj o V j Vj o UVUUU jVo j oVoooVVU UVVUU VUVV VVoVooooojoj jj joVUU UUUVVVVUUUoj joj o UVoVUUoj VUVoooooV UoVoVV UVUUVVVUVVoooooVo oo oVUUUUVU UU UVj j ojoV j V o UVVVVooVU UUVooVU UVUVUUUVVoVoVVj oVV VVU U UVojjjj jV UUUoV Vo UooVUUUU UUVooVoUU U UUUUUo V jVV U VVoooVooj j oUVo U ooUj Uj VU U UUVVVVVVVVVVUU U UU V U VUU U UUU UUVooooVVVoj UU o VU ojj V V U VUUUU UVUVVUUU U UUUUVU V V U UUU UUUVojoooVVUoj VVVU V U o UV UUUVVVVU UUUU UU VUUUUU VVUVU VVjjjjooVVVj o V UV U j U UUU U UUVVUVU UUU U UUUVUUV jVV U UVojjjooooo j joj V U j Uo o V UUVVUU UUUVUUUU UUUUVUVV jVU UUVooojoooj o j Uj j jj j UUUVVooVVVUU UUUVVVVVVVVoooVVVUUUUUUUUVoV jVVU UVooVVooj j Vo oU V jU o o U o U UUVVoj joojojjjjjjojjoVoVUUUUU UVoojo ooV VVooVojj j o o V j U V U VVVjj jjjjooooVUVUUUUUUVVooo ooUU UVooVoj o U j o V Vj U Vj joVVojooVVoVVVVVVoojjo VVV ooooooj j j Uj j Uoo UUo oU V j Uoj jooooooooVVVoVooj jjjo ooU U UVoooojjj jV j U j U V U U Vj jVVojoooooVVVooj j oVV U UUUoojjjjjj V UV jUUVj oVo j Vo j V j ojj o o oojoooooVVVoj j oVU UVoojjjjjj V oj U U oj j UV Vj ooVVVooVVoo jj ooVU UUUVojjjoooj j Uj U V j U j o V o ojoVoooVVoojjjjjjj ooU U UUVojjjoUVj U Uj o j V jjoooVoVoojjjjoooo ojV UUUVoojoVVVo o U U j o jjjooooooojjjjjoojj VoUU UUVUUUVojooVo U o U U jjoooooojjj jjoooj jVoUVVVVVVVUVVoooooo o j V V j j j jjjooooojj jooooo oVVUUUUUUUUUVojoooVo j o jV Uo j U UjU o jjjooooo jjoooooo VVUU UVojjooVoj j o U V U Uj V jjjoVVojjjjjooooooj jVoUUU UUVoojooVoj o o V j jjjVooojjjjooooooj oUUU U UVUojoojoVoj j U UUV o jjj jojooojjjjjoVVooj Uo VoojjoVVoj o U V jU j jUj V jjj oooojj jjjoooVoo jUU UooooVVoj V jo oVV j V o j jjo ojoj jjoooVVoj VV UVVooooo Uj UV o j o jo jooj o o jooo jjjj jjooVVVVVo oU UVVooooj o V j VU U U U jj j V j j o jjoVUVj ojojjjooVUVVVo

W K&&MWMWWWWMM&K & W &&MWMWWWWMM& K & &MWWWWWWMM&K K K K K &&MMMWMM&&M&K K KK & KMWWWWWWWWWWWW&KK KK K&MWWWWW&MWW W& KK KK &W& WWM K& K WW WMM W K&KMK WM KKKKKM&M MKK K &WWMMWMW& MW&&WWWWWMWK WM K M WWWWWWWW MM&KMWWWWM& M&M KMWWWW MWW&&&KWWM& MK &WWWM &M& WM &M KK & MM KW KKK& K MM&&K K M KKKK&K W KWW KK KK && K WW KWW& K KK &W WWWMMWWWWM & && M& W& KWWWWMW& K WWW& M& &WWM K &&&MM KK WWWW WWWWM WWWWWW WWWMWW WWWWWWWWK MMWWWWW&W& W&WWWWWWWWW& WWMW&&&MMM& W WKMWMMM&WWW&&WM WW MK&& KKKK& KW M K&KKKK& & MWK & &WMW K K && W WWW M K W W WWWWWWWMW MWWWWWKW W&WWWWWWMWWWW W WWWWWWWWW WW W WW MW W WW WW W WK WW M W WWW W M & K&W

: , . , , , : : : . ,, : :: . . , :: : ,, :: : ::: : ,:,,,,. , : . ::: .. . : :, , . ::: , :..,: ::: :, .: . ::: :, . : ..: :: : . : . :: :: : ., : . :: : : . :: . , . : : ,. :: , , . : ., , , , . , : . . ., . .. , . . . , :::, :. .. ,, :::: : , : :,., , . . , : .,,:::::: .: : . , ,. : , : : : : ., . ...,, :::: . .. : :,. :,. : . : .,: ,. : :.. ,,::, ,: ::, :::,:,::,, ..,, ,,,. ,: ::.. .,,.. . . .. , . .... ,. ,, . , : : : . , . : :: :.: ::,: . . . : . . ,,,::: :,

* }}*<*~ ~ * }}**< ~< *< * ~ ***< <~ < * * } < }}*} ~ <~} } * ~ ~}} * ~ * }< *< ~ <}< < ~ ~<*}} } }< ~ ~ ~ * ~< < ~ *~~*}*} } }< < <} * }}* ~} ~ <<~ } *} } ~ < < * }**< ~} ~ ~< } * * <**~ ~} ~ ~ ~}** < * <*** <~ } < ~ }}<< } * *} < < }<} * <<~ } ~ } }~ ***}} <}} <~< < <} ***<< } < }~ ****} <~<< }< * } <} }}}<<< < ~ } ~**<*} ~~ }< * << * < *}}<<<< * * ~<<<<* ~}~~** *<* ~ * ~} }<~<<< } * }< ~~~<~~< ~~ } * * * }*~~<~~< < } < ~~ < *} <*~ ~~~ < } } }}} }} *< ~ } }< }}}}}}<~ <}*< **< ~ ** ~ }* ** ****}}* * ~< <}}*< ~~~~<~ } <~ ~*<*<< < < ~~~ ~ < * ~ * * ~ }}}} * }*} } * < ~~ ~ *} <~ ~ * ~ * < < ~ } *} }* } < <**~~ } ~ <<****<~~ ~ ~ * * ~ }~ < ~

jVVj U o UojV UUUV VooojjjoUUVooVUUUVjUj joVVVj j oooV UVVVj UUoooooUUUUUUVUUUVoo j joVVjjj jUVV VoVo oooUUVVVVU UoVUVjoj oVVVV V j jjV UUVo UooU UojoUU UVVVojo o VUUVVooVo j VoU o UUVUVoVVVVV UUUUUVVUV oVVUVjjVo Uo U oUUU UUUUVVUVVUVVVV jVU ojoj VVV V j UUVojjjVoojoooVVVVj oU Voo o o V V V j o jj UUj joooooojj VUVUojj j j U U U V oooooj oUVVojoj o V V V jooojjj joUVVojVj V U U joojjoo oVVVVojVj j U UV UV jooo joo VVUUVojVj j o VV j j joojjoV VU UooV U jj U o j U jj jj joVV U UVoo V o V o o U VU jjjVUU V ooV U jj jo o jjU joVVUV UoVV V jo V oo U j jV oVVoooVVVU o o j jj V o VVoooooU o V o Uj j jjjj U j jU V o jj j jV j o U o UU o VV U joU o V VVj jjojjUU UUj jjj jjVo oVVoVUV jj V UV j U U VU U jjj j o U U