Quotes tagged ‘humor’

(1220 total)

“Live every day like you're actively taking down the ideologies of old straight white men everywhere.”

“i'm most excited for this election to be over so people can stop ending their tweets with 'sad!'”

“Hey, yeah, uh, I'm just calling to procure a hasty abortion.”

“The funny thing is that Steve Rendazo secretly wants me. Jocks like him always want freaky girls. Girls with horn-rimmed glasses and vegan footwear and Goth makeup. Girls who play the cello and wear Converse All-Stars and want to be children's librarians when they grow up. Oh yeah, jocks eat that sh…”

— Ellen Page, Juno, amazon.com

“Juno: I'm not ready to be a mom. Mac: Damn skippy you're not! You don't even remember to give Liberty Bell her breathing meds. Juno: God, that was *one* time! And she did not die, if you recall.”

— Ellen Page, J.K Simmons, Juno, Mac, amazon.com

“Katrina's not my girlfriend alright? And I doubt she gave you the stinkeye that's just how her face looks, you know? That's just her face.”

— Michael Cera, Bleeker, amazon.com

“Juno: I just, like, don't want to give the baby to a family that describes themselves as 'wholesome.' Well, I don't know, I just want something a little more edgier. Leah: Okay, well what did you have in mind? Juno: I was thinking more, like, graphic designer, mid-thirties, you know, with a cool Asi…”

— Ellen Page, Olivia Thirlby, Juno, Leah, amazon.com

“WHOA DREAM BIG!”

— Ellen Page, Juno, amazon.com

“Ultrasound Technician: I just see a lot of teenage mothers come through here and it's obviously a poisonous environment to raise a baby in. Juno: How do you know I'm so poisonous? What if these adoptive parents turn out to be, like, evil molesters? Leah: Or, like, stage parents. Bren: They could be…”

— Kaaren de Zilva, Ellen Page, Olivia Thirlby, Allison Janney, Ultrasound Technician, Juno, Leah, Bren, amazon.com

“Excuse me. I am a sacred vessel, alright? All you've got in your stomach is Taco Bell.”

— Ellen Page, Juno, amazon.com

“Mac: I'm not ready to be a pop-pop. Bren: You're not going to be a pop-pop. Somebody else is going to find a precious blessing from Jesus in this garbage dump of a situation.”

— J.K Simmons, Allison Janney, Mac, Bren, amazon.com

“Uhhh, I hate it when adults use the term 'sexually active.' What does it even mean? Am I gonna like deactivate some day or is it a permanent state of being?”

— Ellen Page, Juno, amazon.com

“I named my guitar Roosevelt—not Ted, Franklin. You know, the hot one, with polio.”

— Ellen Page, Juno, amazon.com

“Juno: What? Cause I got bored and had sex with you and I didn't want to, like, marry you? Bleeker: Like I'd marry you! You'd be the meanest wife ever, okay? And I know that you weren't bored that day because there was a lot of stuff on TV, and then 'The Blair Witch Project' was coming on Starz and y…”

— Ellen Page, Michael Cera, Juno, Bleeker, amazon.com

“Mac: Where you been? Juno: Oh, just out dealing with things way beyond my maturity level.”

— Ellen Page, J.K Simmons, Juno, Mac, amazon.com

“Bleeker: I still have your underwear. Juno: I still have your virginity. Bleeker: Would you shut up?”

— Bleeker, Ellen Page, Michael Cera, Juno, amazon.com

“Juno: I'm pregnant. Leah: What? Honest to blog? Juno: Yeah. Yeah, it's Bleeker's. Leah: It's probably just a food baby. Did you have a big lunch? Juno: No, this is not a food baby all right? I've taken like three pregnancy tests, and I'm forshizz up the spout. Leah: How did you even generate enough…”

— Leah, Ellen Page, Olivia Thirlby, Juno, amazon.com

“Juno: I'm just, like, losing my faith with humanity. Mac: Can you can narrow that down for me? Juno: I just wonder if like, two people can ever stay together for good. Mac: You mean like couples? Juno: Yeah, like people in love. Mac: Are you having boy troubles? Because I gotta be honest with you; I…”

— Ellen Page, J.K Simmons, Juno, Mac, amazon.com

“Everything is funny, if you can laugh at it.”

— Lewis Carroll, amazon.com

“Charlotte [Making fun of Bob's one-night stand]: 'She's older. At least you'll have lots to talk about.' Bob: 'I can't believe you couldn't find anyone else to lavish you with attention.'”

— Scarlett Johansson, Bill Murray, Charlotte, Bob, amazon.com