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Quotes tagged ‘humor’

(1220 total)

Queen Clarisse Renaldi: You are princess of Genovia. Mia: Me, a princess? SHUT. UP. Queen Clarisse Renaldi: I beg your pardon? Shut up?

— Gina Wendkos, Queen Clarisse Renaldi, Julie Andrews, imdb.com

Mia: Hey Joe? Can we park a block away from school? I really don't want to cause a riot with this hearse. Joe: This is a non-riot hearse. And if it were a hearse there would be silence in the backseat.

— Gina Wendkos, Anne Hathaway, Mia, imdb.com

I can't be a princess! I'm still waiting for normal body parts to arrive!

— Gina Wendkos, Mia, Anne Hathaway, imdb.com

Tom: 'It's off.' McKenzie: 'What?' Tom: 'Me and Summer.' McKenzie: 'Was it ever on?' Tom: 'No, but it could've been, in a world where good things happen to me.' Paul: 'Yeah, well, that's not really where we live.'

— Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Geoffrey Arend, Matthew Gray Gubler, Tom, McKenzie, Paul, amazon.com

Paul: 'So what are you exactly?' Tom: 'I don't know.' Paul: 'Are you her boyfriend?' Tom: 'It's not that simple.' McKenzie: 'Sure, it is.' Tom: 'What, like, are we going steady? Come on, guys. You know, we're-we're adults. We know how we feel. We don't need to put labels on it. I mean, "boyfriend,"…

— Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Geoffrey Arend, Matthew Gray Gubler, Tom, McKenzie, Paul, amazon.com

Tom [Starts to take a drink of champagne]: 'That was actually my nickname in college. They called me "Perfectly Adequate" Hansen.' Summer: 'They used to call me "Anal Girl."' [Tom nearly gags on his drink] Summer: '...I was very neat and... organized.'

— Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Zooey Deschanel, Tom, Summer, amazon.com

Summer: 'We've been like Sid and Nancy for months now.' Tom: 'Summer, Sid stabbed Nancy, seven times with a kitchen knife, I mean we have some disagreements but I hardly think I'm Sid Vicious.' Summer: 'No, I'm Sid.' Tom: 'Oh, so I'm Nancy...?'

— Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Zooey Deschanel, Tom, Summer, amazon.com

Partygoer: 'So Tom, what is it that you do?' Tom: 'I, uh, I write greeting cards.' Summer: 'Tom could be a really great architect if he wanted to be.' Partygoer: 'That's unusual, I mean, what made you go from one to the other?' Tom: 'I guess I just figured, why make something disposable like a build…

— Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Zooey Deschanel, Tom, Summer, amazon.com

Summer: 'I named my cat after Springsteen.' Tom: 'No kidding. What was his name?' Summer: '...Bruce.' Tom: 'Oh... That makes sense.'

— Summer, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Zooey Deschanel, Tom, amazon.com

People buy cards 'cause they can't say how they feel or they're afraid too. We provide the service that lets them off the hook. You know what? I say to hell with it. Let's level with America. At least let them speak for themselves! Right? I mean, look! What-What is this? What does it say? 'Congratul…

— Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Tom, amazon.com

We were both wrong, not equally wrong. You were at least six more wronger than me.

— Liz Friedman, Dr. Gregory House, Hugh Laurie, amazon.com

Nobel invented dynamite, I won't accept his blood money.

— David Foster, Dr. Gregory House, Hugh Laurie, amazon.com

You want to know how two chemicals interact, do you ask them? No, they're going to lie through their lying little teeth. Throw them in a beaker and apply heat.

— Matt Witten, Peter Blake, Dr. Gregory House, Hugh Laurie, amazon.com

There's no 'I' in team. There's a 'me' though, if you jumble it up.

— David Foster, Dr. Gregory House, Hugh Laurie, amazon.com

Lies are like children: they're hard work, but it's worth it because the future depends on them.

— Pam Davis, Dr. Gregory House, Hugh Laurie, amazon.com

There is not a thin line between love and hate. There is - in fact - a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every 20 feet between love and hate.

— David Shore, Dr. Gregory House, Hugh Laurie, amazon.com

If you are sad, ask yourself why you are sad. Then pick up the phone and call someone and tell him the answer to the question. If you don't know anyone, call the operator and tell him. Most people don't know that the operator has to listen, it is a law. Also, the postman is not allowed to go inside…

— Miranda July, amazon.com

When she mentioned lunch, he realized with horror that he would need money, and he didn’t know how to tell her that he hadn’t brought any—didn’t have any to bring, for that matter. But before he had time to figure anything out, she said, ‘Now I’m not going to have any argument about whose paying. I’…

— Katherine Paterson, amazon.com

John Keating: 'Mr. Pitts, would you open your hymnal to page 542 and read the first stanza of the poem you find there.' Pitts: '"To the Virgins To Make Much of Time"?' John Keating: 'Yes, that's the one. Somewhat appropriate, isn't it?'

— Robin Williams, James Waterston, John Keating, Pitts, amazon.com

Shelby: What can I get here that has no sugar, no carbs, and is fat free? Sam: Water.

— Shelby, Sam, amazon.com

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