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Quotes tagged ‘humor’

(1220 total)

My parents used to scramble to find babysitters, so they could take my little brother to do stuff.

— Charlie Grandy, Andy Bernard, Ed Helms, imdb.com

Gabe Lewis: Michael, you've just physically assaulted an employee. Can we talk in private? Michael Scott: Yes. Of course. What's this in reference to?

— Daniel Chun, Michael Scott, Steve Carell, imdb.com

I talk a lot, so I learn to tune myself out.

— B.J. Novak,, Kelly Kapoor, Mindy Kaling, imdb.com

Jim Halpert: Wow, that's a lot of keys. Dwight Schrute: The bigger the key chain, the more powerful the man. Jim Halpert: That's right. The janitor said that.

— Daniel Chun, Jim Halpert, John Krasinski, imdb.com

Andy Bernard: That kid is the worst. Needs to be fired, Michael. Michael Scott: He's not the worst. Okay? He's not the worst. You know who's the worst? That intern we had a few years ago. That guy. Remember? That face, how ugly he was? He was the worst. Good worker, though.

— Daniel Chun, Michael Scott, Steve Carell, imdb.com

We believe there is no such thing as a bad congressional aide, only a poorly trained one!

— Sue D. Gelber, thebelladonnacomedy.com

Develop lower-back pain from literal, not figurative, weight of book.

— Claire Friedman, newyorker.com

You just got low winter sun'd, fucko.

— Chris Mundy, Raphael Jackson Jr., Damione Macedon, Frank Agnew, Mark Strong, imdb.com

Dial: I can never resist a beautiful woman with a cigarette. Christina: Really? Why’s that? Dial: I think it’s a sense of mystery. You never know when their lungs will collapse and they’ll keel over dead.

— Steve Aspis, Carlton Dial, Mark Frankel, imdb.com

Dearest Jules, sisterly advice, volume seven: when I say my love life’s at a standstill, I’m not asking you to mail me a solution. I told you, I’m okay.

— James D. Parriott, Emma Brody, Arija Bareikis, imdb.com

Annie: The hangover has begun. Sarah Fuller: Told you not to drink. Annie: I'm not interesting enough to not drink.

— Kevin Williamson, Annie, Stephanie Leigh Schlund, imdb.com

John Fogerty's Manager: Walter, is it true? You found it? Walter Sherman: Yeah, I always find what I'm looking for. It's a fact of nature, like, uh, the world turning and internet porn.

— Hart Hanson, Walter Sherman, Geoff Stults, imdb.com

Brisco County Jr.: Which one of you is Aristotle Poole? Socrates Poole: That's Socrates Poole. Brisco County Jr.: Oh, sorry. I guess that's a common mistake. Socrates Poole: Not at all. Brisco County Jr.: Well, it is if you flunked Greek philosophy two years in a row.

— David Simkins, Carlton Cuse, Brisco County, Jr., Bruce Campbell, imdb.com

Robert: Janet, have you done something different with your hair? Janet: Thank you so much for noticing. Victor: Forgive me for being so busy changing the world that I didn't notice your bangs had grown out.

— Josh Schwartz, Stephanie Savage, imdb.com

Phil: Listen, Frank, you had a good run. There was a moment there when your poster was on the wall of every teenage girl across the country. A huge swath of the teenage population discovered the wonders of masturbation to your photo. Frank: That's high praise indeed.

— Josh Schwartz, Stephanie Savage, Frank Dean, Kip Pardue, imdb.com

Dale: Personally, I've found denial to be a very effective coping mechanism. Janet: Kind of how I feel about Chardonnay.

— Josh Schwartz, Stephanie Savage, Janet Stein, Ever Carradine, imdb.com

Chase: Were you just checkin' out my junk? Gert: What makes you say that? Chase: The X-Ray goggles on your head? Gert: I may have given it cursory glance purely out of scientific curiosity.

— Kalinda Vazquez, Gert Yorkes, Ariela Barer, imdb.com

Now. How hard can it be to find a dinosaur in the Palisades?

— Tamara Becher-Wilkinson, Dale Yorkes, Kevin Weisman, imdb.com

Chase: Are you going to say sorry to her? Team Dude: No. I got a broken rib because of that bitch. Chase: Good thing you got 23 more!

— Tamara Becher-Wilkinson, Chase Stein, Gregg Sulkin, imdb.com

Cop: Can I help you? Alex: I'd like to report a murder? I mean, I wouldn't LIKE to, but...

— Tamara Becher-Wilkinson, Alex Wilder, Rhenzy Feliz, imdb.com

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