Quote
Catalog

Quotes tagged ‘humor’

(1220 total)

Alex: Chase, are you in? Chase: I'm sorry! I didn't know putting my hand in a pile was some sort of a legally binding contract. Yeah, I'm in. Who hates their dad more than me?

— Kalinda Vazquez, Chase Stein, Gregg Sulkin, imdb.com

Kings don’t run. Kings walk.

— Aaron Rahsaan Thomas, Shaolin Fantastic, Shameik Moore, imdb.com

Hey, I'm Eddie. How d'you like me so far?

— J.H. Wyman, Det. Eddie Arlette, Mark Valley, imdb.com

So you're into voodoo now? You know you white right?

— Jonathan Lisco, Marlin Boulet, Anthony Anderson, imdb.com

Jodie: She’s just my mother, she’s not gonna bite you. Dizzy: Just your mother? I mean, okay, I’m the guy. I want to tell her about the wedding and the baby, but what? Four times I’ve stood there looking at her, and looking at her looking at me, and then she starts turning into Queen Kong and I star…

— Tony Spiridakis, Eric Roth, Arthur 'Dizzy' Mazelli, Ken Garito, imdb.com

Carver: Does she like me? Joe: Sorry? Carver: Does she like working with me? Joe: I mean you're here for dinner aren't you? Carver: I think I irritate her. Joe: She hasn't mentioned anything. Carver: You're a terrible liar. Joe: And you're a terrible boss. Carver: I knew it. Touché.

— Anya Epstein, Dan Futterman, Emmett Carver, David Tennant, imdb.com

Jack: What the hell was that? Dan: Never heard of Good Cop, Sick Cop? You're the Good Cop.

— Matt Nix, Dan Stark, Bradley Whitford, imdb.com

Kristie Alley: I want my own television show. Is it so much to ask if I want my own television show again, since that's what I do for a living? Sam Rascal: The reality is if you wanna get your own show, you're gonna have to lose some weight. Kirstie Alley: Well, why can't I just get a show first and…

— Brenda Hampton, Kirstie Alley, Kirstie Alley, imdb.com

Private Foreskin at your cervix!

— John Ridley, Yinka, Gbenga Akinnagbe, imdb.com

Cathy Jamison: I'll pay you a 100 bucks for every pound you lose. Here. Here's a good faith... $23. We meet in the gym every Friday at 2:00 for weigh-ins. If you smell like a cigarette, the deal is off. Andrea Jackson: This skinny bitch will see you on Friday, then.

— Darlene Hunt, Cathy Jamison, Laura Linney, imdb.com

Fiona Wallice: Hello, I'm Dr. Fiona Wallice. And you are Newell L. Miller. Hello. The L - what does the 'L' stand for? Lloyd? Newell L. Miller: Look at you. Fiona Wallice: Yes. Oh, have you not done Skype before? Newell L. Miller: You look... you look amazing. Fiona Wallice: Oh, thank you. Newell L.…

— Don Roos, Dan Bucatinsky, Lisa Kudrow, Fiona Wallice, Lisa Kudrow, imdb.com

Beverly Lincoln: You really want to move to L.A.? You're always taking a piss out of it. Sean Lincoln: Only because it's never wanted me. I'm very petty that way. Beverly Lincoln: But why do it? Our lives are here, our friends are here. Sean Lincoln: Who would you miss? Beverly Lincoln: We need bett…

— David Crane, Jeffrey Klarik, Beverly Lincoln, Tamsin Greig, imdb.com

I like subversive humor, freckles, women’s knees and long hair, the laughter of playing children, and a girl running down the street. I hope for vibrant love, the impossible, the chimerical. I dread knowing precisely my own limitations.

— René Magritte, amazon.com

Life Lesson: when asked if you want to examine your patient some more, it's like being asked if you want a breath mint. The answer is always yes.

— Michael Seitzman, Hayley Schore, Roshan Sethi, Jesse Salander, Luis Guzman, imdb.com

Billie: This may sound a little nuts, but I'm thinking of going home with a guy who may be significantly younger than I am, and I need to know if the situation is desperate or empowering. Olivia: Is he over eighteen? Billie: Yup. Olivia: Empowering!

— Claudia Lonow, Billie, Jenna Elfman, imdb.com

Vanessa Flood: Good morning! Hi! Gary Brooks: Hi! Hey, didn't I paint your condo a couple weeks ago? Vanessa Flood: No, a bunch of workers painted my condo while you hit on me.

— Ed Yeager, Vanessa Flood, Jaime King, imdb.com

Jack: Oh, hey, Esther. How you doing? Esther: Ugh, I got in a fight last night. But on the upside, the tooth fairy came.

— Craig Doyle, Ashley Jack Gordon, Joel Mchale, imdb.com

Kevin Gable: Give me some gum. Vanessa: I don't think I have any. Kevin Gable: Oh, please. You're from Massapequa. Your name's Vanessa Sollucci. You have gum.

— Peter Hoare, Pete Correale, Kevin Gable, Kevin James, imdb.com

Lizzie Needham: As the famous expert on criminal psychopathology, I was hoping you might have some ideas. Don’t they call you Professor Psychopath? Dr. Dylan Reinhart: While I may have a fascination with psychopaths, it does not mean I am one. Lizzie Needham: Judging by the way you eat your pizza, I…

— Michael Rauch, Elizabeth 'Lizzie' Needham, Bojana Novakovic, imdb.com

Eric: Wow, looks like someone had fun last night. Lisa: The parts I remember were awesome. Eric: Do you remember just having dinner by yourself and going to bed? Lisa: I sat alone at a bar and read a book about serial killers. Eric: Wow, sexy.

— Lacey Marisa Friedman, Lisa, Lisa Schwartz, imdb.com

WWWWWWWWWWWMMMWWWWWWWWWWWWM& K &&&&MM&MM&&MMMMM&&K WWWWWWWWWWMMMMMWWWWWWWWWWWWWM& KMK &K K KKKK&M&&&&KM&MMWWWWWWMWMK WWWWWWWWWWMMMMMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM& KKK&K&& KKKKK&&&&K&&&&&MWWWWWWWWMWWWMM&&K K&KK&&K WWWWWWWWWMM&&&MMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM& &&KKKKKKKKKK K&&&&&&&MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW&&KK&K && WWMMMWWWMM&&&&&&MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW K&KKKKK&KK K&&M&MWMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMMWWWMM&& WWMMMMMMM&&&KKKK&MMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW &&&&&K&& &K K&&&&&WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMMWMM&&MK WWWMMMM&&&KKKK KK&MWWWWWWWWWWWWWW KK&&KKK K&&WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMW&MMM&&KK WWWMM&&&KKKKKK KK&MMWWWWWWWWWWWW KKKK&&&KK&K KK&&MWWWWMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW&MM&KK WWWMM&&KK KK&&MWWWWWWWWW KKK&&&&KKKKKK KMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMWMM&KK WWWM&&KK KKK&&MMWWWWW KK&&&&&&M&&&& K&K MWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMWWWWWW&&W&&&KK WWWM&K KKKKKKK KK&&MMWM KK&&KK&K&KKK&&&&K K WMMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMWWMWWM&K& KK WWWM& K&&&K&KK KKKK&&M KK&KKK&M&&K&&&&K& K&MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMWMMMK&KK WWM&K K&&&&&&&&&&KKKKKKKK& KK&&KKKK&&K&&&&&&K&MKWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM&MMK& WM&K &&MMMMM&&&&&&&&K&&K K&&&&&&&&&MM&MM&&& MMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMWMM&&&M&& WM& K&MMWWWWWWMM&&MM&M&& &&&K&&K&K&&MMKK&&&&&WMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMWWWMM&&K W&K KK&MMWWWWWWWWWWWMMM&& &&&&&KK&K&MWMM&&&&&MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM&&K &K K&&MMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWK &M&&&&&&M&&&MM&&&&&MMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMK & K&MMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW KM&&&MMWWMMMMWMMM&&W&MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW&&KK K M K&MMWWWWWWWWWWWWWW KK&&&&&MMMM&M&MMM&&MWWWWWWMMWWWWWW&MWWWWWWWWWW&WKK WM &&MMWWWWWWWWWWWWW KK&KKM& KK& &&& &KK&MMWWWWK MMMK&K&&&K&MK&K KKK K&KKKK WWM K&MMMWWWWWWWWWWWW KK &KK KK K WWM K&&MMWWWWWWWWWWWW K KMM KK&MWWWWWWWWWWWWW& K WWWW K&MWWWWWWWWWWWWWW& &&K MWWWW KK&MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW K&MMWWM&K KK &&WWMMK &MM K&MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM KKKKK MWW& K&MWWWWWWWWWWWWWK KMWWWK KK&MMWWWWWWWWWW& &WWM K KK&MMWWWWWWWW&K MWMK K KKMMWWWWWWWMK KM& KK& && K &&WM& KKKMKKK K&MMWWWWWWWK KKK K&K KK & KWW&&&K KKK K K&&MMWWWWWM KKKKK&&K K&MWKKK K&WMWMK & K&&MMWWWWW W KK&&&&M&M&&&& KKKM&MMMMM&&&K K K&MMMMM& KK K K&&MMMMW MM K&&M&MMMMM&M&MM&MWWWWWWWMKKK && MMWWM& KM&K&MM&&KKKK&KK KKKK W& KK&&MMMMWWWMWWWWWWWWWWWWW&KK KMM&MWWW&& K &WWWWWWWWWW&K & K&&&&&MMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWKK &&&MM&WWWMK &&&MMWWWMWWWM&M&K

. . . ::. .... . , , .,, . .,,:: ::,,, , ... , : :: ., ..,:: ::, . .,,.. . . . .: : , .,. .. . .... : . , ,., ,,. :.:, . ... , :, , : :: ::, :,,,:. . , ,:,:,,., ::,,. ,. . , . . , : . . , . .: .. .. , : : : , .. , :,. :,,. ,: :: : :., : :, : : ,, .:: :.:,,: , .. , ,. , . , . .. : ,, . ,.,. , : , .:,. :, . , , .: ::. :, . ::, :,,,,, ,,:,:. : ::,. . : .. , :: , .,: ,,,. . . ,, .. :,, : . . .:, :,,.. ::,,....,:: , , .. ::, . ::,..,.,.:: :::,, :,. ..,. :,,,, ::. . :,,,,,,,,, ,,: : . :,. .,:. , ,..: :, : :,,: ::,: :, ::,, , :,.. ...,. :, .., , :: . ,: :,::,: :.. . ,. : :. .,:,.. : : . ,.,. , ., , ,: :,::: :: :,: .. .,. :. ., : : ., : : ,,: , : ::,,, ,, ..... .., ::: :,,.,,:::, , : . , , ,,..: ::,. ..,,, .::: :..,:::::,,. :: : : : . : :: :: ,..,::, ,.,: :,.,: ::,,. : ::::: : : .,.,: : ::: :::. ,,,,,,,:. .,,: ::,:::::,,. , :::::: : ,: :: :,. :,.,:. ,::: :::::::,,. : ::::: :: ::: ::,, ,:: :..,,. ,:: :::::,,,,,. : ::::: :,: ::: :::, ,,::. .,,, ,: :::::,,,.,.. ::: : :, ,:: :,:,,: ,,:. .,.. ,:: :::,:,,,.,. .

}<<< < } }**<<<<****}*}*<~<}**<*<* ~*} }}}}}*}}}}}}}}}}} }< ~ }}}*<<~~~~ < }}} }}}}*}}}}}}}} ~ } *}}}**<<****<<~~< ~} } }}}}} }}}}}}}}}}} < ~~ } }}}}}*<*}} *}}**~~ *~ * }}}}} }} }}}}***}*}}} ~ ~< } }*** }*} }<**<} ~ } <} } }}}}}}}}}} ~ ~~<~ ~ } } }}} }} *}**}<<< ~ <} }}}}}}} } }}}}}} } }}*****}<<<*<< <} }}}}}} <} * } } }}} }***<<~<<*< ~ <} }}}}}}} ~< }} } ****}*<*~~~~**~}~ ~* }}}}}}} ~} }}*}}}<<~~ ~*<~ < *} }}} } < }*****<*<~~~~<}< } } }}}}}} }} }}*****<~~ ~*~} ~ } } } }} <<}< ***}}*<~~ ~ ~ ** } <<< }}}}*****~~~~ < ~<<} }}}*****<~ ~ }}} ~ ~~< }**}***<<~ } * *}}**}}**~~ * }}}*}}*}*<< } }}} }}**}}***<~ }}} <<}} *}*} }***}**<<~ ~~~*} ~ ~ *<~ **<<~<~ *} }~ ~~~ <**<<<<~~~ }}}}}}}}}} ~~~~<}} * } < ~ } }*~ ~~~<<~ } }*<<<~~~~~~<<<*} }~~~~*} ~ ~~ }< ~~~ }}}**<<~~~ ~ *~~~~* * }**<*} }*< ~<~} }}}~ ~} *<<~ ~ * }***<<*<<<<<~~~~ <~~~<} ~ *}* * ~<} }<<< } }*<~ ~ ~ <*<<<<<<<<<<<~<~~~~ *~~~~*} < } } }~ <* * }}*~ ~ ~ ~ ~~~<<<<<<<<<<<<~~ ~~* <~~~~<}} } < ~* ~ <<*~ <<< ~~~ ~~<<<<<<<<<<<<~ }}} }<~~~~~**} ~ } < <<~* << **< ~ ~ ~~~~~<<<<<<<<*<~ ~~ < }*<~~~~~~~<*}} } } ~ <****<*< *<**}<<<~ } ~ < ~ * *< } ~<<<~<~~~~~~ ~ ~~<<<<<***< < }*<~~~~~ ~~~~**} } ~~ } }< ~<*<<**<<~~ ~~~~<<<**<< **<~~~~ ~ ~ ~~<*} } *~ ~} } ~~< } } *< <}}} }}} }<~<~~ ~<<<~<<**<< ~ ~ }*<~~~~ ~~~~<*} *<~~~ <} ~ ~ }*<<<<<~ <} } }}<<~ ~~<<~<<<<<<~ * <~~~~ ~~~~*} ~ ~ ~~ }}}*<~~ ~~~ ~~~<<<<<<<<~~ * }<~~~ ~~~~~*}} * < ~~ ~} }<<~ ~ ~~~~~<<<<~<~~ < *~~~~ ~~~~<*} < } ~~ * } }*<~~ ~~~<<<<<<<<<~~~~ }*<~~~~ ~~~~<<}} < ~~ * }}*~ ~~~<<<<<<<<<<~~

UVo j UVUoUVU UUU UV jjjj UV oV U V U UVUVoVVVVojoVoojjooooV jjjjjj j UV VU U U Voojjj jjj jj j joVU UU U UUUVj oj jjj j j j ojjUVU UUU UUoVoVo jjj jj oj jj oooojjjjjjj oUUU U UU UUVVoj j j jooo j jjjoooojjjjjjjjjjj UU oVVVU UUVUVUU UUVVoo jjj j jjooVVooooojjjjjjjjj UUU jjoVUV UUU UVUVojj jjjjj oo j j jooVVVVoooojojjjjjjj UUUUUUUUUU j jjVUUUU VU UUVVVj jojj oooooj jjoooVVoVVooooojjjjjjj UUUVVUUUUUUUU VUUU U UU UUoooojjjjojojVVVoj ojjooVVVVVVVVoooojjjjjjj j j UUVVVVVU UUUU ooUoV V U U VVooooooooVVVVVVVVo ojjoooVVVVVVoVoooojjjjj j UVVVVVVUU UUUU joV UU UoVoVoooVVVooUVUVVo j ooooooVVVVVVVVVoooo jjj jjjjj UVooooVV jV UUUVVVoVVVVVUVUUVVooj o VooooVVVVVUVVVVVojjjjjjjjjjjjjj UVVoooVVUU joV U UUUUUVVUUVVUUUVVVo jooooVVVUUUUVVVVVooojjjjjjjjjjjj UVoooooVVU jV UVVVVVVUVUUUUVooo ojjjoVVUVUUVVVVVVoojoojjjjjjj UoooooVVU oU UVVVoVVVUUVUUVojjj VoooooVUUUUUUVVVVoooojjjjjjjj jj UVVoooooVU oU UUUVVVUVVVVUVVVojj VooooVVVUUUUUUUVVoooojjjjjjjjjjj VooooooooVVU U VVU UV UUUVVUVUVVUVVoo VoooVVVUUUUUUVVVVVooojjjjjjj jjj o joooooVVU V VUU UUUVUUUUUVVUUUUUUVVoj jVooVoVUUUUUUUVVVoooojjjjjjj j o jjooVVUU j jVVUU VU UU U U U U UUVVVooVoj o jooooVUUUUUUUUVVVVooojjjjjjjjjjj j jjoVVU oVVUUU VVj joj jjj V UVUUUUUVUU UVUU VUooVUo jjjoVVVUUUUUUVVVoojj j o joVU VUU UUUo o oVUUVVVoVUUVVVVVVoj ooVVVVUVVVVooj V joVU jVUVUUUV jjVUVVoooV Vjooooj joooVVojj U jooVU oVUVVVoo joVUUVoj jojooVUUVVooj oU Vo jjj U joVU j oVVVVUoj jjoVU oj jjoVV Uoj V UUUo jV U joVUU VVVVUVo j joVUUUU UUVVojj jVU Vo oUUVUUUUUVUUVoj jjj joVUU oVVVUoVVjjoUUVoj jV Uj jj jooVU U VVVVVUVVVVVV jVU UVo V ojj joVVU oVVVVVUVUUo V UUVoVVVU V j jjU joUo o V Voj joVUU V joVVVVUUUUVojoVUV UU UjoojoVUU UU VU U oVoVVV VoVo oo Uoj joVU Uj ooVVUU UU oooVUVU Voj joUVUU V j j jooVV UUVVV joj j Vo joVU UUV oooVVU UVojj joV U V oooojooo oVVooVj joj UVoj jooVU UU o oooVVU U U U o jVooVVVUUUUUVVVoVVUU UVojojjoj UVoj joVUUU UV oooVVUU U U V VoV UUVVVjjVjjjj UUVVoj jooVUUUUUU oo ojoVUU V V jVVU U UVVVooj jjj UUVVoj jooVUUUUUUUUUUV U oojoVUU U oj oV UUUVVVVojj

WWWWWMWWWWWM K&K&&&MMMMWWM& WWWWMMWWWWWWW& MM&&&&MMMWWWWWWWWMWW&K WMMM&&&MWWWWW& &MMM&K&MWWWWWWWWWWMM&K WWM&K&KK&WWWW K&MMMM&&&WWWWWWWWWWM&K WMK &&&&&&&W &MMM&MMKMWWWWWWWWWM&K KK K KKK W& &MWWMMMW MMMMMMM&WWWWWWWWWWWM&KKKK&K KK&KK M KMWWWWWWW WMMMWWMMWWWWWWWWWWWWMKKKKKK KKKK M &MWWWWWW &MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMMM&&&& KK&&KK W KMWWWWWW K&& &K K K KK&KK WW KMWWWWWWK &K K K & & K&WWWWWW KK K &WM &MWWWWW KKKK K KWW & K KMWWWW K&&M&K &MMMWW K & K&WWWW K&MMWMWWWWWW&MWWW &MWMMMMK KK &&KK& &MMWWWWWWWM&MMWM MWWWWW&KKK K &MMK& K&MWWWWWWWW&K &WM KMWWWWWM& &K &MMW &&MMWWWW&&&&MWWW MWWWWM& WK KWW K&&MWWM KWM MWWMKK W& &M&MW&KWWWMK MMWWM&K WWK K&M&MM & & &&WMK WW& K&K&& KW &W WM& KKKW& KW &&&K &&&&K MMM KKK KK K&KK

,.:, ::,,. ,, ::., :.. ,,, :, .. .. , . , . : : , , .: : ,,: . . : , :: . :.,: , . , ,: :,,..: . : :..,: :: . .. :.::. : ,, , :,, ,: : , , :: .: : . ,, ,:, : , :,:,,, : , .. ,..::,: : , . :,., :,,: : . ::.,: ,: :,. :::. .,: :.. :, :,: ::, .,,: :,. , :, :: ::, ..,: ,, ::: :. , : ,, ..,: ::: : ,,,..,: :: : , .,: .. . :. : .,: . . :, ,. ., ..,: :. : . : . , .,,.. ., ..,,. : ::: ,, :. , ..., ...... :::::: . , .... .. ::::::::::: , , : : ,.. .....

* < < < }~~ ~<<* }* ~ ~ *<}* ~ < }*~* < ~ <~ ~ ~ ~ }~ } < < ~* * ~**< ~ }} }* *< < * * < <~ }}**< * ~ }< ~ **~* ~< ~*}}}}* }**} < * <*<~}< ~ } <** *<<<< ~<*}} < << }****} * * ** *< ~ <** }~~< < ****} }*<* *~ * <**}}*<<~ < }}*}} ~<< <~ ~*}}}}*<~ ~ }}}}} < }< ~**}}}**~ ~ }}}} }~* * ~ <*}}}}*< * }}}} ~~} * * ~<} }< }}}*}} } < <* * }}**}} } }<~ ~ < * }< <} } }}****}}}} < ***<* }< ~ * }} *~ ~*} *~ ********}} } * ~ *~ * ~}}< ~ ~*}}* }*<*<<*<**} *} ** } } **~~ <*~ ~~ *<<<<<<<<<<<~} } ~ ~<<~ << }*<<<<<<<<<<~ < }} *}} }}*<<*} * ~~~ ~ }*<<<<~~~~~~ <** *}}} }<~ }*<<<~~~~ ~ ~ * }** * }}}*<<~~~~ ~ ~} }} <~ }}*<<~~ } ~<*< ~<* ~

U VooVVVoooj VVoooojjj jU VoojUoo VVVVoooooj U VoooVoojj oUUUVVVoooo j V VoVoUUojj VUUUUUVVoooo UU oU UUUU Ujj o o U UVVVooo UVU jV Vjjj VU VVVooo UVU V Uojj UUU UVVVVV jVUU UVjoj U UUUVVV o jV V VU U U UV Uoj jo o U jU Vo jVU UVo U Uj Voj o o jV o Uo U j j Vj oU j U j o U j j o o o U UUVoV VUUU Uo UVVVo j Uj oU UV U UVVo V jVU jVU V U Vj Uoj oU oV U V UUV o jjjoV VoU V UVoj o jjjooU oVU U j U UVoj jjj V jjjjooojVU Uo UVVj jjjj j jjjj joV U U U jU Vjo joj o jojoU U o U U j jj Uj oj VU V j j V j oVUV V U U UVj jjoo UVUo VUVjj jooUU UVUVoo j oUUUVj j jjj Voooojj oVVVoj j oojjjj oVUVVjj ojoojj jjj VoojoVj joj j