Quotes tagged ‘humor’

“Alex: Chase, are you in? Chase: I'm sorry! I didn't know putting my hand in a pile was some sort of a legally binding contract. Yeah, I'm in. Who hates their dad more than me?”

— Kalinda Vazquez, Chase Stein, Gregg Sulkin, imdb.com

“Kings don’t run. Kings walk.”

— Aaron Rahsaan Thomas, Shaolin Fantastic, Shameik Moore, imdb.com

“Hey, I'm Eddie. How d'you like me so far?”

— J.H. Wyman, Det. Eddie Arlette, Mark Valley, imdb.com

“So you're into voodoo now? You know you white right?”

— Jonathan Lisco, Marlin Boulet, Anthony Anderson, imdb.com

“Jodie: She’s just my mother, she’s not gonna bite you. Dizzy: Just your mother? I mean, okay, I’m the guy. I want to tell her about the wedding and the baby, but what? Four times I’ve stood there looking at her, and looking at her looking at me, and then she starts turning into Queen Kong and I star…”

— Tony Spiridakis, Eric Roth, Arthur 'Dizzy' Mazelli, Ken Garito, imdb.com

“Carver: Does she like me? Joe: Sorry? Carver: Does she like working with me? Joe: I mean you're here for dinner aren't you? Carver: I think I irritate her. Joe: She hasn't mentioned anything. Carver: You're a terrible liar. Joe: And you're a terrible boss. Carver: I knew it. Touché.”

— Anya Epstein, Dan Futterman, Emmett Carver, David Tennant, imdb.com

“Jack: What the hell was that? Dan: Never heard of Good Cop, Sick Cop? You're the Good Cop.”

— Matt Nix, Dan Stark, Bradley Whitford, imdb.com

“Kristie Alley: I want my own television show. Is it so much to ask if I want my own television show again, since that's what I do for a living? Sam Rascal: The reality is if you wanna get your own show, you're gonna have to lose some weight. Kirstie Alley: Well, why can't I just get a show first and…”

— Brenda Hampton, Kirstie Alley, Kirstie Alley, imdb.com

“Private Foreskin at your cervix!”

— John Ridley, Yinka, Gbenga Akinnagbe, imdb.com

“Cathy Jamison: I'll pay you a 100 bucks for every pound you lose. Here. Here's a good faith... $23. We meet in the gym every Friday at 2:00 for weigh-ins. If you smell like a cigarette, the deal is off. Andrea Jackson: This skinny bitch will see you on Friday, then.”

— Darlene Hunt, Cathy Jamison, Laura Linney, imdb.com

“Fiona Wallice: Hello, I'm Dr. Fiona Wallice. And you are Newell L. Miller. Hello. The L - what does the 'L' stand for? Lloyd? Newell L. Miller: Look at you. Fiona Wallice: Yes. Oh, have you not done Skype before? Newell L. Miller: You look... you look amazing. Fiona Wallice: Oh, thank you. Newell L.…”

— Don Roos, Dan Bucatinsky, Lisa Kudrow, Fiona Wallice, Lisa Kudrow, imdb.com

“Beverly Lincoln: You really want to move to L.A.? You're always taking a piss out of it. Sean Lincoln: Only because it's never wanted me. I'm very petty that way. Beverly Lincoln: But why do it? Our lives are here, our friends are here. Sean Lincoln: Who would you miss? Beverly Lincoln: We need bett…”

— David Crane, Jeffrey Klarik, Beverly Lincoln, Tamsin Greig, imdb.com

“I like subversive humor, freckles, women’s knees and long hair, the laughter of playing children, and a girl running down the street. I hope for vibrant love, the impossible, the chimerical. I dread knowing precisely my own limitations.”

— René Magritte, amazon.com

“Life Lesson: when asked if you want to examine your patient some more, it's like being asked if you want a breath mint. The answer is always yes.”

— Michael Seitzman, Hayley Schore, Roshan Sethi, Jesse Salander, Luis Guzman, imdb.com

“Billie: This may sound a little nuts, but I'm thinking of going home with a guy who may be significantly younger than I am, and I need to know if the situation is desperate or empowering. Olivia: Is he over eighteen? Billie: Yup. Olivia: Empowering!”

— Claudia Lonow, Billie, Jenna Elfman, imdb.com

“Vanessa Flood: Good morning! Hi! Gary Brooks: Hi! Hey, didn't I paint your condo a couple weeks ago? Vanessa Flood: No, a bunch of workers painted my condo while you hit on me.”

— Ed Yeager, Vanessa Flood, Jaime King, imdb.com

“Jack: Oh, hey, Esther. How you doing? Esther: Ugh, I got in a fight last night. But on the upside, the tooth fairy came.”

— Craig Doyle, Ashley Jack Gordon, Joel Mchale, imdb.com

“Kevin Gable: Give me some gum. Vanessa: I don't think I have any. Kevin Gable: Oh, please. You're from Massapequa. Your name's Vanessa Sollucci. You have gum.”

— Peter Hoare, Pete Correale, Kevin Gable, Kevin James, imdb.com

“Lizzie Needham: As the famous expert on criminal psychopathology, I was hoping you might have some ideas. Don’t they call you Professor Psychopath? Dr. Dylan Reinhart: While I may have a fascination with psychopaths, it does not mean I am one. Lizzie Needham: Judging by the way you eat your pizza, I…”

— Michael Rauch, Elizabeth 'Lizzie' Needham, Bojana Novakovic, imdb.com

“Eric: Wow, looks like someone had fun last night. Lisa: The parts I remember were awesome. Eric: Do you remember just having dinner by yourself and going to bed? Lisa: I sat alone at a bar and read a book about serial killers. Eric: Wow, sexy.”

— Lacey Marisa Friedman, Lisa, Lisa Schwartz, imdb.com