“Josh: So I'm working on this new move — wet hair flip, lick, body roll... I look fat when I do that. Jamie: It's not your best.”— Himself, Josh Horner, imdb.com
“I don’t need a Commando 450 like Kramer got on the black market in that episode of Seinfeld, but I think I do need to go with a double shower head. I could even make this a fun little Saturday chore.”— John Duda, postgradproblems.com
“Daddy must have darkness for his slumber, or else his Dreams turn terribly nasty.”— Clickhole, lifestyle.clickhole.com
“Can I get you something to drink? Here, I got these Prego jars, want some sprite or something? I’ll get myself a jar of spiced rum ha ha. I like to recycle.”— Kayla Haas, medium.com
“You have to remember that most vampires are very old. Puns used to be the highest form of humor.”— Brian Buckner, Bill Compton, Stephen Moyer, imdb.com
“You can’t have a perfect summer day reminiscing about the four amazing years you all spent together and undoubtedly peaked during or else why would you keep talking about it without a perfect bikini to match.”— Miranda Kronfeld, reductress.com
“You all remember Steve, right? The one who stood up in the middle of our monthly staff meeting and masturbated in front of everyone? Then we found out he had been doing this sort of thing for years and intimidated people into keeping it quiet? And then he sent an apology email where he didn’t use th…”— Bob Vulfov, mcsweeneys.net
“It’s too fucking hot for clothes. This is some Adam and Eve, Castaway, Naked and Afraid type shit.”— Karly Brooks, thebelladonnacomedy.com
“Oh, so now y’all wanna be woke when a bitch been an alarm clock since Day 1? Well, beep beep, motherfuckers! BEEEEEP! BEEEEEP!”— Issa Rae, Issa Dee, Issa Rae, imdb.com
“Issa: Can you teach me how to ho? Molly: Bitch, that's rude... and yes.”— Issa Rae, Issa Dee, Issa Rae, imdb.com
“Molly: How did the kids find it in the first place? Issa: Daniel! He was talking about what a great rapper that I was and the kids must have Googled me. Stupid smart as fuck researching ass kids.”— Ben Dougan, Issa Dee, Issa Rae, imdb.com
“Issa: Trying to fuck is hard. Molly: No it's not. It's like riding a bike. Issa: Yeah, I don't know how to do that either.”— Dayna Lynne North, Issa Dee, Issa Rae, imdb.com
“Issa: Some other day, some shit went down — Kelli: Girl, did he hit you? Issa: What? No. Kelli: Okay, I like Lawrence, but I will go ape on that nigga, okay? Does he have a car? Issa: Kelli. Kelli: I'm gonna fuck that up first. Issa: He did not hit me. Okay? We're — we're just going through this, li…”— Issa Dee, Issa Rae, imdb.com
“Granted, having sex with me isn't amazing, but it's like, 'Huh... Okay. Yeah, I'm satisfied. I'd do that again.'”— Regina Y. Hicks, Ben Cory Jones, Issa Dee, Issa Rae, imdb.com
“Go for it, go for it, go! Ho for it, ho for it, ho!”— Dayna Lynne North, Issa Dee, Issa Rae, imdb.com
“Molly: Girl, will you hurry your slow-walking ass up? Issa: It's my sexy walk!”— Dayna Lynne North, Issa Dee, Issa Rae, imdb.com
“Do you want your man or not? Do you know your plans or not? You gon' back home or not? You gon' claim your throne or not? Is you Khaleesi? Or that other bitch whose name I don't remember?”— Issa Rae, Issa Dee, Issa Rae, imdb.com
“Molly: One day I looked up and my dick meter was all the way on E. Issa: Join the club, bitch. Dick on E, bank account on E. Life on E.”— Issa Rae, Issa Dee, Issa Rae, imdb.com