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Quotes tagged ‘humor’

(1220 total)

I can only conclude the Dot follows them, and I fear for their safety when they are not here where I can protect them. One day, I shall capture it, and then we all will be safe.

— Donnell King, medium.com

Tiffany: I taste stone fruit. Molly: And a little bit of pepper. Issa: I taste wine.

— Issa Rae, Issa Dee, Issa Rae, imdb.com

Ken: Why don’t more of them swim? Issa: Slavery.

— Dayna Lynne North, Issa Dee, Issa Rae, imdb.com

Molly: Chrissy Teigen has a dope-ass cookbook. Issa: Are you in the kitchen? Please get the fuck out.

— Amy Aniobi, Issa Dee, Issa Rae, imdb.com

Issa: Why you assuming I like Drake? Daniel: Every black girl that went to college likes Drake. Issa: He just really gets us.

— Larry Wilmore, Issa Rae, Issa Dee, Issa Rae, imdb.com

Issa: I’m starting to resent him. Like I spent my entire 20’s with a guy I’m not even gonna end up with. Molly: I mean, well you’re still 29, you have one more year. Issa: Bitch, you’re right. I don’t have time for the bullshit anymore. Molly: What are you saying? Issa: I’m breaking up with him toni…

— Larry Wilmore, Issa Rae, Issa Dee, Issa Rae, imdb.com

Molly: You gotta fuck a lot of frogs to get a good frog. Issa: That’s not the saying. Or any saying.

— Issa Dee, Issa Rae, imdb.com

Well, it isn’t a homecoming until someone calls you a puta, right?

— Tanya Saracho, Lyn, Melissa Barrera, imdb.com

I've never been good at the whole telenovela thing.

— Mando Alvarado, Nancy C. Mejia, Karla, Erika Soto, imdb.com

Lyn: I swear I have, like, noodles for arms. And now everyone knows about my super serious t-shirt addiction. Fedora: iPhone cases. Lyn: Sorry? Fedora: I'm a pretty serious iPhone case addict.

— Nancy C. Mejia, Chelsey Lora, Lyn, Melissa Barrera, imdb.com

Friend: Let's go somewhere else. Eddy: Where? You know I don't like places!

— Evangeline Ordaz, Nancy C. Mejia, Eddy, Ser Anzoategui, imdb.com

Lyn: I knew it. Emma: Okay. Lyn: I totally knew it. Emma: Then why didn't you say anything? Lyn: Why didn't you say anything? Emma: When do we ever say anything? Lyn: God, that's so true. That's sad, we should say stuff.

— Evangeline Ordaz, Nancy C. Mejia, Lyn, Melissa Barrera, imdb.com

You are a straight white dude named Charlie who got a Nikon DSLR from your grandma for Christmas.

— Daisy Jones, Hannah Ewens, vice.com

I hate writing, I love having written. Especially when I write with @Bic pens! I’m proud to be a Bic Ambassador so I can spread the word to my tribe about their line of slammin’ ink products. Scroll up to catch my Instastory and see my Bic in action! #spon

— Wendi Aarons, mcsweeneys.net

I’m not sure where it went, but if you happen to see a bright pink Byredo rollerball on the streets of Manhattan, can you return it to me? I miss it.

— Kristen Bateman, manrepeller.com

So why not give your man the little death he deserves with a tighter cooch than he ever dreamed possible? We’re here for you, girl!

— Rachel Van Nes, reductress.com

10:31 AM — Order all of the pants from Free People on the app. Easy peezy!

— Carrie Wittmer, thebelladonnacomedy.com

John Hawkins: Fruit from the New World! It's called a tomato! Queen Elizabeth: This is a fruit? John Hawkins: Some say vegetable. Standing argument.

— Erika Lippoldt, Bo Yeon Kim, Queen Elizabeth I, Rachel Skarsten, imdb.com

King Henry II: Why is this so difficult? Our clothes go away dirty and they come back clean. How do they do it? Queen Catherine: I don't know. They take them to the laundry and they dip them in... something!

— Drew Lindo, Queen Catherine de' Medici, Megan Follows, imdb.com

Navid: This feels really wrong. Adrianna: Us being together, or that we just did it in Silver's bed? Navid: I don't know, the Silver-bed part pretty much overshadows everything else.

— Patricia Carr, Navid Shirazi, Michael Steger, imdb.com

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