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Quotes tagged ‘Pregnancy’

(68 total)

Anger can be a good engine sometimes, all right? We need to channel whatever energy we have right now.

— Annie Weisman, Sarah Lane, Michelle Monaghan, imdb.com

One-eyed, bat-shit-crazy Janine. What will she give birth to? An Unbaby, with a pinhead or a snout like a dog's or no heart? The chances for a healthy birth are one in five, if you can get pregnant at all.

— Margaret Atwood, Bruce Miller, Offred (June Osborne), Elisabeth Moss, imdb.com

We get the turkey baster full of old-man jizz, shoved up our twats so we can maybe pop out a baby for the Fatherland.

— Margaret Atwood, Leila Gerstein, Moira, Samira Wiley, imdb.com

You don't just feel pregnant 30 seconds after a man cums.

— Margaret Atwood, Dorothy Fortenberry, Offred (June Osborne), Elisabeth Moss, imdb.com

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant

— Daniel Tosh, en.wikiquote.org

She missed her period? Oh my god. I can't believe it! I'm a father! I did it! My boys can swim! I can do it! I can do it!

— Elaine Pope, Larry Charles, George Costanza, Jason Alexander, imdb.com

I'm having a planned C-section. My therapist told me if I go through labor, I might get psychotic.

— Larry Charles, Leslie, Christine Dunford, imdb.com

If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.

— Nora Ephron, books.google.com

What do you call an unwanted child? Got no fucking clue, it's your problem now mate.

— piece_of_sexy_bacon, reddit.com

Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible? Doctor: Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly j…

— Croxsy, reddit.com

A woman in labor A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!" "Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions.

— ept20, reddit.com

My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her. I said, ‘Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.

— raydeep, reddit.com

Two pregnant women are talking about their future babies "I feel like my girl will be an athlete, she kicks so much in there it's unbelieavable!" "Oh, I'm sure mine will be a comedian." "How can you be so sure?" "You wouldn't get it. It's an inside joke.

— Kawaii_Desu-Chan, reddit.com

When I gave birth to my first child, some partners at work treated my taking maternity leave as the equivalent of abandoning a ship in the middle of a typhoon to get a manicure.

— Ellen Pao, thecut.com

Jupiter heard from Neptune that Pluto was pregnant. Jupiter said to Pluto "Congratulations! I was surprised to hear that you're expecting!" To which Pluto replied "Thanks. Yeah, I definitely didn't planet!

— CooperRAGE, reddit.com

Hey, yeah, uh, I'm just calling to procure a hasty abortion.

— Ellen Page, Juno, amazon.com

My step-mom is forcing me to eat really healthy. She won't even let me stand in front of the microwave or eat red M&Ms.

— Ellen Page, Juno, amazon.com

As boyfriends go, Paulie Bleeker is totally boss. He is the cheese to my macaroni. And I know people are supposed to fall in love before they reproduce, but—I guess normalcy isn't really our style.

— Ellen Page, Juno, amazon.com

Ultrasound Technician: I just see a lot of teenage mothers come through here and it's obviously a poisonous environment to raise a baby in. Juno: How do you know I'm so poisonous? What if these adoptive parents turn out to be, like, evil molesters? Leah: Or, like, stage parents. Bren: They could be…

— Kaaren de Zilva, Ellen Page, Olivia Thirlby, Allison Janney, Ultrasound Technician, Juno, Leah, Bren, amazon.com

Excuse me. I am a sacred vessel, alright? All you've got in your stomach is Taco Bell.

— Ellen Page, Juno, amazon.com

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